Sav­age love

The Georgia Straight - - Classifieds -

I wish I had a bet­ter ques­tion, but this is all I have: my friends and I were dis­cussing the nu­ances of a straight orgy (a roughly equal num­ber of male and fe­male par­tic­i­pants) ver­sus a gang bang (one woman, many men), and we ob­served that there is no proper name for a one man, many women sit­u­a­tion. The In­ter­net tells me it’s just a “re­verse gang bang”, which is a very dis­ap­point­ing name. Can we please es­tab­lish a new one?

> CU­RI­OUS NONPARTICIPANT

How does “pussy riot” grab you? And while we’re on the sub­ject of flip­ping gen­dered ex­pres­sions: a num­ber of years ago, I was asked to come up with a fe­male ver­sion of “sausage fest”. Stick­ing with the food theme, I pro­posed “clam bake”. Still mys­ti­fied as to why it didn’t catch on. Mar­ried from 28 to 36, sin­gle the last three years, and celi­bate most of the last cou­ple years. The last two years of my mar­riage were sex­less, and I saw pro­fes­sion­als un­til I was priced out. I could prob­a­bly earn twice what I’m mak­ing now if I moved away, but my cur­rent job gives me the flex­i­bil­ity to spend af­ter­noons with my young kids. Last year, I had a brief re­la­tion­ship (that in­cluded the best sex of my life), but I ended it be­cause I needed more me time. So I lack the will­ing­ness or the con­fi­dence to be in a re­la­tion­ship, and I don’t have the cash to see pros. I’m not fussed by this. Should I be con­cerned about my celibacy?

> AB­SO­LUTELY NOT GET­TING SEX TO­DAY

See­ing as your celibacy is in­ter­mit­tent and by your own choice (you walked away from the best sex of your life for me time? What kind of mid-’90s Oprah bull­shit is that?), ANGST, you’re un­likely to wind up hang­ing out on an “incel” fo­rum filled with an­gry, vi­o­lent, so­cially mal­adapted men who blame the fact that they can’t get laid on women and fem­i­nism. So long as you con­tinue to take per­sonal re­spon­si­bil­ity for all the sex you’re not hav­ing, there’s noth­ing to be con­cerned about. My boyfriend and I have been to­gether for two years. When we first got to­gether, we had sex ev­ery day. Then it dwin­dled. We had ma­jor prob­lems along the way and separated this win­ter. Dur­ing that time, he went to another state. We got back to­gether long dis­tance and I re­ceived many let­ters from him say­ing how much he wanted to have sex with me. He moved back two weeks ago, and we’ve had sex only twice. He used to say he wanted me to make the first move. But if he re­ally wanted me, wouldn’t he make a move? I feel so ne­glected, yet he claims he loves me. Please give me some in­sight.

> NO SEX FOR WEEKS

He says he wants sex (with you), but he doesn’t make a move. You say you want sex (with him), but you don’t make a move. So how about this: the next few times you want sex, NSFW, make a move. If he fucks you two out of three times, maybe he was telling you the truth when he said he’d like you to make the first move. If he re­buffs you ev­ery time, then he doesn’t want to have sex with you—and you’ll have to make a move to end this re­la­tion­ship. I’m a youngish man who’s been in a lov­ing re­la­tion­ship with an older woman for a year. The only area where the age dif­fer­ence comes into play is largely un­spo­ken be­tween us—she wants kids. All of her friends are hav­ing kids, and she’s near­ing the end of her child­bear­ing years. I’m nowhere near ready, and I some­times ques­tion whether I want to be monog­a­mous to any one per­son for life. We never dis­cuss it, but I can tell how deeply this both­ers her and that in her ideal world, I’d be ready to start plan­ning a fu­ture with her. I’m racked with guilt at the pos­si­bil­ity that by the time I’m ready for that level of com­mit­ment (or, worse, by the time I re­al­ize I never will be), she’ll be bi­o­log­i­cally in­ca­pable of hav­ing kids, which is re­ally im­por­tant to her. This is all com­pli­cated by the fact that this is eas­ily the most lov­ing, trust­ing, re­spect­ful re­la­tion­ship I’ve ever been in.

> BOND AF­FLICTED BY YEARS

Speak, BABY: “Look, you want kids. I’m not ready, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready. Also, I’m not sure about life­long monogamy. If we need to part ways so you can find some­one who wants the same things you do and wants them now, I’ll be dev­as­tated but I’ll un­der­stand.”

I’m a 22-year-old woman liv­ing in Cen­tral Asia do­ing devel­op­ment work. There are 14 other expats within an hour or two of me, but eight of them are in re­la­tion­ships. I’ve al­ways been the “sin­gle friend”, and nor­mally I don’t mind. But be­ing sur­rounded by cou­ples right now has been a tax on my men­tal health. I know I’m young and should be fo­cus­ing on this amaz­ing op­por­tu­nity and my ca­reer, but I can’t help but feel lonely at times, es­pe­cially since I can’t speak the lo­cal lan­guage well and th­ese 14 other peo­ple are the only ones near me who speak English. What should I do?

> SIN­GLE ANONY­MOUS DAME

Math. Eight of the 14 nearby English­s­peak­ing expats are in re­la­tion­ships. That means six nearby expats are sin­gle like you, SAD. It’s not a lot of peo­ple to choose from in real num­bers, I re­al­ize, but as a per­cent­age—40 per­cent of nearby expats are sin­gle—it’s sta­tis­ti­cally sig­nif­i­cant, as the so­cial sci­en­tists say. Fo­cus on this op­por­tu­nity, fo­cus on your ca­reer, and fo­cus on that sta­tis­ti­cally sig­nif­i­cant num­ber of nearby sin­gles. My hus­band and I lis­ten to your pod­cast, and we’ve be­come a lit­tle more open about our wants and needs as a re­sult. Any­way, on two re­cent oc­ca­sions, he shaved his pubes. Both times, I told him it was a turnoff. Like, I lit­er­ally dried up when I saw it. He said he un­der­stood, yet now he’s about to take a trip with friends and he’s done it again. Chest too this time. As­sum­ing he’s telling the truth and this man­scap­ing ef­fort is not about

> BY DAN SAV­AGE

other women (eye roll), is it fair to me? Can I ask him to stop? Shouldn’t he want to stop if it’s a turnoff for me? Do I have to be GGG on this too?

> NOT INTO BALD BALLS

I feel your pain—it’s not hair re­moval that’s an is­sue in my re­la­tion­ship but hair growth. My hus­band would like to have a mus­tache. It’s his face (those are your hus­band’s balls), and he can do what he wants with his face (your hus­band can do what he wants with his balls). But I can do what I want with my face, and my face doesn’t touch his when there’s a mus­tache on it. Sim­i­larly, NIBB, you’re not ob­li­gated to touch your hus­band and/or his junk when he’s pube­less. When I’m out of town, my hus­band will grow a mus­tache, and I don’t com­plain or tem­po­rar­ily un­fol­low him on In­sta­gram. So long as your hus­band’s balls/crotch/ chest are smooth only when they’re far from you, it shouldn’t be an is­sue in your mar­riage—un­like the fact that you think he might be fuck­ing another woman (maybe one who’s into bald balls?) or think­ing about fuck­ing other women. That’s an is­sue you’re go­ing to want to ad­dress.

CON­FI­DEN­TIAL TO EV­ERY­ONE IN TORONTO: You’re in my thoughts, aka athe­ist prayers.

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