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The Georgia Straight - - Music -

BAD CRY Lil Xan claims that his re­cently ended re­la­tion­ship with Noah Cyrus was a phony af­fair ar­ranged by her la­bel. For our part, we be­lieve him, be­cause what woman in her right mind would date Lil Xan of her own vo­li­tion?

FIRE WORKS Some Burn­ing Man at­ten­dees have re­ported that they saw an image of the late Gord Downie among the flames when the fes­ti­val’s Tem­ple Galaxia was torched. In re­lated news, ev­ery­one at Burn­ing Man was fully, com­pletely baked.

SI­LENCE IS GOLDEN U2 was forced to can­cel a Ber­lin con­cert five songs in af­ter singer Bono suf­fered a mys­te­ri­ous “com­plete loss of voice”. Med­i­cal ex­perts are look­ing for an ex­pla­na­tion, af­ter which they’ll do the world a favour by con­tact­ing Chris Brown, Scott Stapp, John Mayer, and Lil Xan.

SI­LENCE IS GOLDEN 2 Hours af­ter Bono lost his voice, Foo Fighter Dave Grohl can­celled shows on an Amer­i­can tour. Why? He “com­pletely lost his voice”. Grohl joked he was go­ing to stop mak­ing out with Bono. The smart money says he got a de­liv­ery meant for Chris Brown, Scott Stapp, John Mayer, or Lil Xan.

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