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BAD CRY Lil Xan claims that his recently ended relationship with Noah Cyrus was a phony affair arranged by her label. For our part, we believe him, because what woman in her right mind would date Lil Xan of her own volition?
FIRE WORKS Some Burning Man attendees have reported that they saw an image of the late Gord Downie among the flames when the festival’s Temple Galaxia was torched. In related news, everyone at Burning Man was fully, completely baked.
SILENCE IS GOLDEN U2 was forced to cancel a Berlin concert five songs in after singer Bono suffered a mysterious “complete loss of voice”. Medical experts are looking for an explanation, after which they’ll do the world a favour by contacting Chris Brown, Scott Stapp, John Mayer, and Lil Xan.
SILENCE IS GOLDEN 2 Hours after Bono lost his voice, Foo Fighter Dave Grohl cancelled shows on an American tour. Why? He “completely lost his voice”. Grohl joked he was going to stop making out with Bono. The smart money says he got a delivery meant for Chris Brown, Scott Stapp, John Mayer, or Lil Xan.