Give up on be­ing sec­ond choice

The Guardian (Charlottetown) - - COFFEE BREAK - Q A

- I've been friends, and pri­vately crushed, on this guy for four years.

He started show­ing in­ter­est so I fol­lowed, but he went back to his ex. We acted like noth­ing had hap­pened.

I dated some­one and when we broke up my friend helped me stop cry­ing. He ex­pressed hav­ing feel­ings for me, so I told him of mine.

But I said noth­ing would hap­pen be­tween us be­cause he was back with his girl­friend. Later, he kissed me and I let him, be­cause I’d waited so long for it.

His re­sponse was, “Let’s see what hap­pens now, only time will tell.” To me, that’s just player talk.

Five months later, he's still with her. He calls regularly. I don’t al­ways an­swer.

We talk and see each other only once or twice a month. I plan to do noth­ing but by night’s end, I'm all mushy again and let him have a kiss.

I'm start­ing to feel like I’m a side chick he gets no play (sex) with.

I found out he ac­tu­ally liked me be­fore this but our friends told him I'm a good girl, and he's the bad boy. They didn't want him to break my heart.

I'm ready to give up on this friend­ship and delu­sional re­la­tion­ship.

Dys­func­tional Deal

- Whether you call your­self “side chick,” or “backup woman,” it doesn’t change re­al­ity: You’re not his first choice, but he’s keep­ing you in the line-up.

You al­ready know him to be a bad boy and doubt his “player talk.”

End con­tact. By get­ting mushy, you al­low your­self to slip closer to be­com­ing a friend with “ben­e­fits.”

When he can no longer de­pend on your wait­ing for him, he might rec­og­nize how spe­cial you are.

Or, you might re­al­ize it sooner, and move on.

FEED­BACK Re­gard­ing the young woman whose boyfriend kicked her out when he learned she wouldn’t end her preg­nancy ( June 10):

Reader – “All I read from this man is ul­ti­ma­tums: "Me or the child, no coun­selling if you keep the child," etc.

“My ad­vice to this young lady is clear: This preg­nancy saved you from a life of hard­ship (had you stayed with him). The sit­u­a­tion caused him to show you who he re­ally is, when you an­nounced lifechang­ing news such as a preg­nancy.

“Leave this man. He's not right for you and doubt­fully for any sane and in­tel­li­gent woman. Take care of your child and en­sure he or she has a solid ex­am­ple for a mother.”

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