Dear Abby

The Guardian (Charlottetown) - - FEATURES - Abi­gail Van Buren

Wed­ding may be wrong time for found fa­ther to reap­pear.

DEAR ABBY: I am 32 and get­ting mar­ried in a year. My bi­o­log­i­cal fa­ther lives in Spain and has never been to the U.S. My mother met him when she was teach­ing English there. I was born in the states and never knew or spoke to my dad grow­ing up. When I was five, I was adopted by my mom’s then-hus­band.

At 20, while study­ing in Spain, I lo­cated my fa­ther and his wife. We main­tain a good re­la­tion­ship, but I haven’t been back there, and he has never met my fam­ily.

Mom har­bours a lot of re­sent­ment to­ward my fa­ther. She tells me he took no in­ter­est in me as a baby and never sent any money or letters. She gets emo­tional when he is brought up in con­ver­sa­tion. He doesn’t feel this way to­ward her. When I men­tioned to Mom that I plan to in­vite him and his wife to the wed­ding, she got up­set. She told me I have no busi­ness invit­ing him and that she doesn’t want to see him.

I do not share my mother’s re­sent­ment. I don’t want my fa­ther to feel ex­cluded. I worry about Mom’s feel­ings and about my fa­ther’s first U.S. trip be­ing dur­ing the wed­ding when I will surely be dis­tracted with lots of things. Please ad­vise. — BRIDE TORN IN TWO IN NE­BRASKA

DEAR BRIDE: Your fa­ther may have no hard feel­ings to­ward your mother be­cause it ap­pears he ac­cepted no emo­tional or fi­nan­cial re­spon­si­bil­ity at the time you were con­ceived. If he knew she was preg­nant and of­fered no help, then all of that fell on her shoul­ders.

It’s ap­pro­pri­ate you are wor­ried about your mother’s feel­ings be­cause you should be. If you want a re­la­tion­ship with your fa­ther, no one can pre­vent you. How­ever, if he hasn’t “earned” the right to be at your wed­ding and if you have any sen­si­tiv­ity at all to your mother’s feel­ings, en­ter­tain him in the U.S. at a later date when he can have your full at­ten­tion. (I hes­i­tate to say “the at­ten­tion he de­serves” be­cause I’m not sure he de­serves any.)

DEAR ABBY: I’m 56 and still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I have no real tal­ents or pas­sions. I have 1,000 in­ter­ests and hob­bies, none of which would ever de­velop into a ca­reer. I have worked what­ever job I could get to pay the bills (more or less), but they have all been near min­i­mum wage, so 10 years from re­tire­ment, I have no sav­ings.

I got to the point I was so mis­er­able at my last job that I quit with­out hav­ing another one wait­ing for me, so I’ll prob­a­bly end up tak­ing what­ever dead­end job I can get just to get a pay­cheque. How can I con­vince po­ten­tial em­ploy­ers I can do some­thing dif­fer­ent when I don’t be­lieve it my­self? — DIANE IN CAN­TON, ILL.

DEAR DIANE: Your prob­lem is you have lost faith in your­self. If you have had “1,000 in­ter­ests and hob­bies,” I’m bet­ting you are pro­fi­cient in at least half of them, which means you do have a wealth of var­ied ex­pe­ri­ences to of­fer some lucky em­ployer. Please keep that in mind the next time you go for an in­ter­view, be­cause as long as you have the de­ter­mi­na­tion, it is never too late.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a mid­dle school boy and I en­joy the com­pany of a cer­tain girl very much. I ex­pressed my feel­ings to her a cou­ple of times, and at one point we al­most kissed. The prob­lem is she has a boyfriend. What’s your ad­vice on get­ting her to be with me? — MID­DLE SCHOOL BOY

DEAR MID­DLE SCHOOL BOY: If she al­most kissed you, it means she’s at­tracted to you, too. So be pa­tient, be cool and bide your time. If you do, pretty soon your time will come, she’ll tire of her boyfriend, and you will avoid a black eye.

Dear Abby is writ­ten by Abi­gail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Con­tact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069. Abby shares more than 100 of her favourite recipes in two book­lets: “Abby’s Fa­vorite Recipes” and “More Fa­vorite Recipes by Dear Abby.” Send your name and mail­ing ad­dress, plus cheque or money or­der for $14 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Cook­book­let Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Mor­ris, IL 610540447. (Ship­ping and han­dling are in­cluded in the price.)

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