Notic­ing at­trac­tive­ness not a wan­der­ing eye

The Guardian (Charlottetown) - - PAUSE & PLAY -

Q-My boyfriend of three years and I are happy to­gether. I know he loves me and we have a great re­la­tion­ship.

But it re­ally both­ers me when I no­tice that he checks out other women reg­u­larly.

It makes me feel like I'm not enough for him and it also em­bar­rasses me.

I’ve told him this, and that it up­sets me. He get an­noyed and an­gry. He thinks I'm just not con­fi­dent and he says it's hu­man na­ture to look at other peo­ple.

I heard an old man once say that he knew he’d found The One when other women didn't turn his head.

I’ve al­ways thought that when you re­ally love some­one, you don't care what else is out there.

Am I be­ing silly to think I could curb his wan­der­ing eyes?

Watch­ful Girl­friend

A-That “old man” may’ve been very smart in mak­ing his wife be­lieve she was that spe­cial that he never no­ticed other women… or he was very old.

Most peo­ple no­tice at­trac­tive­ness, sex­i­ness, style, and even at­ti­tude. Few peo­ple are obliv­i­ous to th­ese nat­u­ral hu­man sig­nals.

So, while I’m with you on the fact that your boyfriend shouldn’t be ogling other women, I’m with your boyfriend on his say­ing that you’re lack­ing con­fi­dence in your­self.

How­ever, you’re with him when it hap­pens, so try to as­sess what he’s re­ally do­ing, then speak up.

A no­tice is fine, a nod to the other woman is not, and stop­ping to stare is in­sult­ing. A com­ment to you about what some­one’s wear­ing is fine, a neg­a­tive com­par­i­son to you is un­ac­cept­able.

Be your­self, and fight feel­ing in­se­cure.

Q-My par­ents were work­ing poor, my sis­ter and I had only the ba­sics. My dad was con­trol­ling. My sis­ter butted heads with him.

I even­tu­ally got a univer­sity de­gree and a good job. My sis­ter had no am­bi­tion and en­joyed blam­ing oth­ers for her mis­for­tunes.

She's been into drugs since her teens, can't hold a job or sup­port her­self. Dad died, and Mom got tired of sup­port­ing her.

She lost her car, ended up in a men­tal health ward.

She’s re­sented me my en­tire life, as “the favourite." She bad-mouthed me, and told off ev­ery­one else in the fam­ily so that now no­body talks to me.

Now she wants to see my three young kids.

I've told my mom that she needs to seek pro­fes­sional help for her drug is­sues and apol­o­gize to me for her be­hav­iour.

My sis­ter re­fuses. But I refuse to let my chil­dren have an aunt float in and out of their lives while un­der the in­flu­ence of drugs. She ma­nip­u­lates peo­ple, lies, steals, and floats from one man to an­other.

Am I be­ing too harsh in not want­ing my kids to be ex­posed to her drug habits and life­style?

Ex­clud­ing My Sis­ter

A-Look­ing out for the best in­ter­ests of your young chil­dren is your main task.

Your sis­ter hasn’t shown any pre­vi­ous re­spect for you, so you can’t trust that she’ll abide by any rules or re­stric­tions in how she be­haves around your chil­dren.

Your re­sponse – that she get help for drug is­sues (more im­por­tant than an apol­ogy) - is the best way you can ex­press a fam­ily con­nec­tion.

Tell her di­rectly, if you can, that what you want for her is her well­be­ing and a ful­fill­ing life. But it has to start with her get­ting clean.

Un­til then, her life­style is too prob­lem­atic for close in­volve­ment with young chil­dren.

An aunt is sup­posed to be a source of com­fort and car­ing for young­sters, not the re­verse.

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