Doubts about char­ac­ter an alarm bell

The Guardian (Charlottetown) - - PAUSE & PLAY - El­lie Tesher By Jac­que­line Bi­gar

Q - When I started a new job in April of 2016, I met a man there.

We don’t work in the same depart­ment but on op­po­site sides of the same build­ing.

Last Au­gust we started dat­ing, ev­ery­thing seemed okay. Then I dis­cov­ered he’d been see­ing an­other woman in the of­fice.

She sat on the other side of his cu­bi­cle.

He said they were not in a “re­la­tion­ship” but they were just hang­ing out, which means they were be­ing in­ti­mate.

He broke it off with her last July. I think there was more to it be­cause she was very up­set and didn’t come to work for a week.

He told me he doesn’t deal with her any­more and doesn’t have any­thing to do with her. But she was very up­set at him. She’s ap­proached me a cou­ple of times to as­sure me that she didn’t want any­thing to be awk­ward be­tween us.

I told her it wouldn’t be be­cause what they had to­gether hap­pened be­fore me.

But I keep hear­ing of­fice gos­sip be­cause this woman is still feel­ing very hurt.

She and my boyfriend even got into an ar­gu­ment at work.

He said that she told him she was preg­nant and that she had an abor­tion.

The gos­sip I’m hear­ing is that he lied to her about why they were break­ing up, and he started to act like he didn’t know her to keep me from feel­ing un­com­fort­able.

I over­heard her in the bath­room talk­ing on the phone to her mother and it made me up­set be­cause she said that he treated her like “a whore” and that he didn’t con­sider her feel­ings.

Now he’s pro­posed to me and I said Yes.

She left him two very vul­gar, ugly voice­mails, stat­ing that he wasn’t a man, and that he was a liar and dis­re­spect­ful for spend­ing the night with me in my home with my seven-year-old daugh­ter.

Other things she said have caused me to think, but he keeps re­as­sur­ing me that sheís just jeal­ous that he didn’t choose her.

I heard her say how fake his feel­ings are be­cause we have pic­tures up of us to­gether, but not of our chil­dren to val­i­date our re­la­tion­ship.

They moved her desk at work. Only a few peo­ple have con­grat­u­lated us on our en­gage­ment, but I feel that they think that he wasn’t gen­uine in this pro­posal.

It’s only been nine months since we started dat­ing se­ri­ously.

Should I be con­cerned about how he woman?

Very Con­flicted treated

TIP OF THE DAY this and deeply other Con­fused

A - You al­ready are So, take a pause.

I’m not say­ing to break up, that’s a de­ci­sion you must make with con­vic­tion one way or the other. That’s why you must give your­self this time to think.

He broke off with that woman one month be­fore start­ing to date you. That’s a flat­ter­ing switch, but also a rush.

Th­ese nine months to­gether have had a lot of drama get­ting in the way of your get­ting to re­ally know him bet­ter.

Yet, it’s shown his char­ac­ter in ways youíd not have seen oth­er­wise.

While he had a right to break it off with her, he clearly hadn’t treated her kindly.

He also let the sit­u­a­tion in­trude into the work­place (though she was also re­spon­si­ble for this.

And she’s an­gry).

A pause of re­flec­tion, along with a fo­cus on what val­ues heíd bring to fam­ily life with you and your young daugh­ter, is es­sen­tial.

You need to know more. con­cerned. hurt/

Doubts about a fi­ance(e)’s char­ac­ter are an alarm bell about life­time is­sues. De­lay wed­ding plans un­til you feel cer­tainty and trust.

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