Hid­ing nud­ist life­style naked de­cep­tion

The Guardian (Charlottetown) - - PAUSE & PLAY - El­lie Tesher

Q - I’m a young, at­trac­tive, re­cent col­lege grad­u­ate work­ing a de­cent job, who got mar­ried not long ago.

Pre­vi­ously, I’d lived with my par­ents. Mov­ing in with my hus­band was the very first time I’ve shared ac­com­mo­da­tion with some­one other than my im­me­di­ate fam­ily.

Lit­tle did I know and came to learn af­ter mar­riage that my hubby is a nud­ist.

He wears cloth­ing on sel­dom oc­ca­sions. He as­serts that we all should be liv­ing in “our nat­u­ral form” in pres­ence of loved ones.

He wants me to be to­tally nude in my birth­day suit when I’m at home with him. He’d like me to be dressed only when third-party in­di­vid­u­als are over (e.g. guests, ex­tended fam­ily, friends).

He in­sists that I use the toi­let and take a shower with the bath­room door fully open. He would also like me to be flat­u­lent in his pres­ence.

I’m un­sure how I can re­act to this given that I’ve never been in the pres­ence of any­one dur­ing my most pri­vate mo­ments.

Sim­ply put, I’m not com­fort­able with any of his bizarre wishes. I’ve ex­pressed my feel­ings of dis­com­fort and I have told him that his pe­cu­liar re­quests make me feel un­easy.

He’s sym­pa­thetic and as­sures me that his re­quests are not “de­mands” but rather “acts of kind­ness” that I should un­der­take be­cause, he says, a woman’s body should be ad­mired in its nat­u­ral form. Is there any way I can work out a com­pro­mise?

Naked Is­sues

A - It takes two to com­pro­mise, and un­for­tu­nately you ap­pear to be on your own.

You’re deal­ing with some­one who thought it was okay to marry you with­out ever di­vulging his pref­er­ence for nu­dity for both of you.

He’s now call­ing the shots and couch­ing it all as phi­los­o­phy. He’s en­ti­tled to his be­liefs and when there’s mu­tual con­sent, nu­dity and liv­ing “nat­u­rally” are per­sonal choices in pri­vate life (though not le­gal in most pub­lic places).

How­ever, within your mar­riage, it’s a one-sided sur­prise ap­proach with­out any com­pro­mises men­tioned by him.

Un­less he ac­cepts that you can choose oth­er­wise, and leaves off any pres­sure for you to change, this mar­riage won’t work.

Even if you start shar­ing the joy of naked­ness at home, the foun­da­tion will have been laid for him to ex­pect you to adapt to his will again and again. He mis­led you, pur­pose­fully.

You al­ready find his open­door shar­ing of body func­tions in the bath­room “bizarre.”

Take a break away from him and his in­flu­ence. Think through whether this is a mar­riage of equal­ity and a re­la­tion­ship of mu­tual re­spect.

Be sure of what you can ac­cept, and what you can­not.

Q - My hus­band has two adult chil­dren (late 20s). Over the years, I’ve ob­served him to be a Mar­tyr Dad. He sac­ri­ficed many things and the kids al­ways came first. Our re­la­tion­ship took a back seat. It was dif­fi­cult, but we got through it.

Now that his kids are adults on their own, it amazes me how lit­tle they ap­pre­ci­ate their Dad.

One ex­am­ple: not cel­e­brat­ing Fa­ther’s Day. It makes me an­gry as I sense my hus­band’s dis­ap­point­ment and know that he doesn’t de­serve the treat­ment he gets. Help me un­der­stand this be­hav­ior.

Sad Dad

A - There’s likely two be­hav­iours in­volved here: 1) guil­trid­den over-com­pen­sa­tion (aka “spoil­ing”) of chil­dren;

2) The “en­ti­tle­ment” at­ti­tude of those now-adults who learned to ma­nip­u­late their fa­ther’s guilt, rather than ap­pre­ci­ate him for try­ing to please them.

Th­ese are sad but com­mon re­al­i­ties in some post-di­vorce fam­i­lies. Your hus­band’s lucky that he has your car­ing and un­der­stand­ing.

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