Abuse deserves no reward
Q - My 20-year-old daughter bought her boyfriend expensive concert tickets for his birthday, for a concert scheduled nearly a year later.
Four months after his birthday, they broke up. He was rude and verbally abusive towards her. He blocked all her social media following their break-up.
However, he eventually texted her, wanting to meet and apologize.
She says he was very apologetic and they’re now “just friends,” with contact through text and phone calls.
My daughter still wants to attend the concert with him as they were purchased for them to attend together.
He’s interested in going too. It’s bothering me that she still wants to use these tickets on him even after the way he treated her.
Is she obligated to go with him? Is what she wants to do okay or not?
A - She’s not “obligated” if he’s the one who broke it off. If not, or it was mutual, the ticket was a gift.
However, abusive behaviour deserves no reward, and I understand your discomfort.
They’re no longer a couple. She’s not obliged to actually attend with him.
Even to be “friends,” she needs to feel assured that he doesn’t lose control whenever he’s angry or disappointed, and that verbal abuse isn’t his go-to position in arguments.
Ask her to think through what she knows about other things that have gone wrong for him.
She needs to go beyond the break-up drama to recognizing what kind of person he really is, no matter how great the concert may be.
Q - I had to have regular specialist check-ups with a doctor in his 20s. The more I went there, the more I liked him. I dreaded when I wouldn’t have the monthly visits to look forward to.
After the last one, I felt I’d embarrassed myself and he didn’t really want to see me anymore.
It upset me. I found him on Instagram, but it’s private so I was annoyed.
I’ll never see him again because he’s not my family doctor. Maybe I should just follow him on social media, but he may be weirded out by it.
Having him block me will make me feel worse, but after two weeks I can’t get him out of my head.
A - Get a grip, or your daydreaming can turn into a nightmare. You’re already in stalking mode and itís unhealthy for you emotionally, and dangerous because it’s a punishable crime.
The doctor gave no indication (as he shouldn’t) that he had any interest in you beyond professional.
Do NOT follow this man in any way or he’ll be obliged to inform police.
If you still obsess on him, call a Distress hotline for help.
Q - My husband of 25 years had an online relationship for years and lied to me about it several times. I don’t trust him anymore. I found out about it over two years ago and can’t get past it or forgive him.
Am I being unfair? Stuck
A -T here are too few details here for both of us.
For you, it matters whether the online relationship was with someone he knew from before, whether their communication was sexual only, or also loving.
It matters too whether he apologized and explained why he did it.
The only advice I can give with such sparse information, is this: If you love him, share family together, and want to grow old together, then try to forgive him. Counselling can often help in such cases, but much depends on the missing details.