Abuse de­serves no reward

The Guardian (Charlottetown) - - PAUSE & PLAY - El­lie Tesher

Q - My 20-year-old daugh­ter bought her boyfriend ex­pen­sive con­cert tick­ets for his birth­day, for a con­cert sched­uled nearly a year later.

Four months af­ter his birth­day, they broke up. He was rude and ver­bally abu­sive to­wards her. He blocked all her so­cial me­dia fol­low­ing their break-up.

How­ever, he even­tu­ally texted her, want­ing to meet and apol­o­gize.

She says he was very apolo­getic and they’re now “just friends,” with con­tact through text and phone calls.

My daugh­ter still wants to at­tend the con­cert with him as they were pur­chased for them to at­tend to­gether.

He’s in­ter­ested in go­ing too. It’s both­er­ing me that she still wants to use these tick­ets on him even af­ter the way he treated her.

Is she ob­li­gated to go with him? Is what she wants to do okay or not?

In­ap­pro­pri­ate Gift?

A - She’s not “ob­li­gated” if he’s the one who broke it off. If not, or it was mu­tual, the ticket was a gift.

How­ever, abu­sive be­hav­iour de­serves no reward, and I un­der­stand your dis­com­fort.

They’re no longer a cou­ple. She’s not obliged to ac­tu­ally at­tend with him.

Even to be “friends,” she needs to feel as­sured that he doesn’t lose con­trol when­ever he’s an­gry or dis­ap­pointed, and that ver­bal abuse isn’t his go-to po­si­tion in ar­gu­ments.

Ask her to think through what she knows about other things that have gone wrong for him.

She needs to go be­yond the break-up drama to rec­og­niz­ing what kind of per­son he re­ally is, no mat­ter how great the con­cert may be.

Q - I had to have reg­u­lar spe­cial­ist check-ups with a doc­tor in his 20s. The more I went there, the more I liked him. I dreaded when I wouldn’t have the monthly vis­its to look for­ward to.

Af­ter the last one, I felt I’d em­bar­rassed my­self and he didn’t re­ally want to see me any­more.

It up­set me. I found him on In­sta­gram, but it’s pri­vate so I was an­noyed.

I’ll never see him again be­cause he’s not my fam­ily doc­tor. Maybe I should just fol­low him on so­cial me­dia, but he may be weirded out by it.

Hav­ing him block me will make me feel worse, but af­ter two weeks I can’t get him out of my head.

Sad End­ing

A - Get a grip, or your day­dream­ing can turn into a night­mare. You’re al­ready in stalk­ing mode and itís un­healthy for you emo­tion­ally, and dan­ger­ous be­cause it’s a pun­ish­able crime.

The doc­tor gave no in­di­ca­tion (as he shouldn’t) that he had any in­ter­est in you be­yond pro­fes­sional.

Do NOT fol­low this man in any way or he’ll be obliged to in­form po­lice.

If you still ob­sess on him, call a Dis­tress hot­line for help.

Q - My hus­band of 25 years had an on­line re­la­tion­ship for years and lied to me about it sev­eral times. I don’t trust him any­more. I found out about it over two years ago and can’t get past it or for­give him.

Am I be­ing un­fair? Stuck

A -T here are too few de­tails here for both of us.

For you, it mat­ters whether the on­line re­la­tion­ship was with some­one he knew from be­fore, whether their com­mu­ni­ca­tion was sex­ual only, or also lov­ing.

It mat­ters too whether he apol­o­gized and ex­plained why he did it.

The only ad­vice I can give with such sparse in­for­ma­tion, is this: If you love him, share fam­ily to­gether, and want to grow old to­gether, then try to for­give him. Coun­selling can of­ten help in such cases, but much de­pends on the miss­ing de­tails.

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