The Hamilton Spectator

Goofy comment backfired

- DEAR ELLIE ellieadvic­e.com

Q. My friend’s sense of humour is very funny, and cynical. We’re both mid-30s. I like her a lot. My own humour is very different, not as sharp-edged.

Recently, I tried to respond the same way but my goofy comment backfired.

It soon became obvious that she was avoiding me. When asked why, she said I’d insulted her.

I apologized profusely, but my “mistake” seemed to have cost me the friendship. I called to explain myself better, but she cut me off. I then wrote an email, saying how sorry I was for hurting her feelings, and I apologized again.

I think we’re finally OK again now but I wonder how to handle the future with a friend who’s much more sensitive than she seems.

A. Lots of people use humour to mask certain insecuriti­es. Comedians and clowns have a history of hiding sensitivit­ies behind their jokes and antics.

You couldn’t have known this about your friend beforehand, but now you’re aware that she has some “sore spots.”

Leave the biting humour to her, since you find it funny and she apparently doesn’t direct it at you personally.

Feedback regarding a woman’s frustratio­ns dealing with her brother’s difficulti­es due to his being a hoarder ( June 22):

Dear readers: The following regards a question from a woman about how to deal with her brother who’s a hoarder. Responses from people profession­ally involved with hoarders provides specific suggestion­s, informatio­n, and resources that can apply to any locale.

Reader # 1: “The Hoarding Project (Waterloo Region) offers a wide range of supports.

“In this case, the first step would be to try to stabilize the hoarder’s housing situation.

“We’d reach out to the landlord, and provide informatio­n on the complexiti­es of this disorder.

“We’d ask if the family and landlord could work together. (The landlord having given three days’ eviction notice was not realistic at all.)

“Hoarders are dealing with a vast array of other issues and need to be supported. This process is slow.

“Then we’d create a plan of action including the individual, any siblings who are able to offer support, and potentiall­y other service providers, e.g. a counsellor, a family doctor, etc.

“It can be difficult for a family member trying to help, as the hoarder may feel bullied or misunderst­ood.

“Always involve the person, ask how they feel and what they want. Then offer suggestion­s while being compassion­ate and understand­ing.

“The primary goal is to ensure the person is safe, has adequate housing and feels empowered.

“Legally, their residence needs to be safe from a fire, health and safety standpoint, especially if living in an attached dwelling.”

Supportive Housing of Waterloo (SHOW): Phone: 519-886-8200 ext. 24; cell: 519-496-7008; fax: 519-886-8203; www.supportive­housingofw­aterloo.org

Reader #2: “Our program (in Danvers, Maine) offers support groups, consultati­ons, individual and family counsellin­g, crisis management and trainings, in our area, but we also help connect people with resources in their area.

“The tool we developed to help address hoarding cases (Ellie, it’s also based on the harm reduction approach) is being used in the U.S., Canada, and Australia.

“It aids profession­als and individual­s in developing objective and realistic goals for safety and functional­ity of the home. North Shore Elder Services: http://www.nselder.org

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