I turned to my ex for sex, what about my boyfriend?

The Hamilton Spectator - - GO - el­liead­vice.com

Q . I’ve been dat­ing this re­ally sweet guy for 18 months. He doesn’t like sex, he’s happy only do­ing it once a month and he won’t try dif­fer­ent po­si­tions. I like sex and love try­ing dif­fer­ent ways.

My ex of seven years ago is also in a sex­less mar­riage. We started hook­ing up just for sex and it’s awe­some. But part of me feels re­ally guilty be­cause I’ve al­ways been against cheaters and now I’m do­ing it.

I do care for this guy but I also need good sex. Whom do I choose?

A. Nei­ther. You and your ex have found a mu­tual so­lu­tion but it won’t last.

It can’t be­cause your boyfriend will be hurt/an­gry/mor­ti­fied and end the re­la­tion­ship.

You’ll then want more than some­one else’s hus­band for oc­ca­sional sex. You’ll want a com­mit­ted part­ner in more than sex. The re­al­is­tic choices: 1. Tell your guy you need a more fre­quent and ad­ven­ture­some sex life. If he’s in­ter­ested in stay­ing to­gether, he should try boost­ing his li­bido (e.g. read­ing sex man­u­als to­gether for arousal, see­ing a sex ther­a­pist, etc.). Or ac­cept that you’re not a long-term match.

2. If noth­ing changes, end both re­la­tion­ships. It’ll free you to meet some­one suited to you . . . and not at­tached.

I hate the new guy in my of­fice

Q. I’ve worked for 14 years as law clerk, of­fice man­ager and ad­min­is­tra­tor in a small firm owned by a se­nior lawyer. There are also two fe­male lawyers-in­train­ing.

I’m mostly run­ning the of­fice as the owner’s of­ten in court or teach­ing. He trusts me with money, ac­counts, and of­fice is­sues.

It’s been the best work en­vi­ron­ment . . . un­til a new lawyer re­cently joined the firm.

He’s like­able in some ways, but pro­fes­sion­ally, I hate the kid.

My boss asked how I felt about his hir­ing him. I was very clear. I don’t like that he’s so dis­or­ga­nized, pa­pers fly­ing around ev­ery­where. Files are dis­or­ga­nized.

The boss felt it can all be fixed, but noth­ing’s changed.

He gets the wrong in­for­ma­tion, and he does his own paper work that’s mostly all wrong. He spends hours on the phone speak­ing in his lan­guage. Re­cently, I ended up with the big­gest headache for two days. I have hy­per­ten­sion, which is eas­ily trig­gered.

When I tried to ex­plain or clar­ify things, he doesn’t ac­cept it. When­ever his mis­takes come to light, the boss is pretty chill about it, as long as we can rec­tify the er­rors.

The other girls and I think that be­cause he’s from the Mid­dle East, he doesn’t have any re­spect for any of us ladies.

I’ve been think­ing about look­ing for an­other job. But would I find as good a boss?

I now drag my­self to work. But I don’t know if the pay else­where would be as good, if the peo­ple else­where are go­ing to be hon­est, nice, and friendly, whether the boss would be cool.

A. Most peo­ple fear job changes some­what. But to stay in a work en­vi­ron­ment you find up­set­ting and where you see no chance of im­prove­ment, is self-de­feat­ing.

If you wait too long to leave, you’ll be job-seek­ing when less con­fi­dent and en­er­gized for the move.

This new lawyer ap­pears to bother you largely be­cause he’s young, dif­fers from your own of­fice-style, and has a dif­fer­ent cul­tural back­ground with at­ti­tudes you pre­sume, but don’t know for sure.

All these feel­ings take away from the work en­vi­ron­ment you once loved. Mean­while, your un­der­stand­ing boss is ac­cept­ing this guy as com­pe­tent and worth em­ploy­ing.

Exit with dig­nity be­fore the sit­u­a­tion gets un­bear­able and ex­plo­sive.

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