Ever hear of the two-minute drill in baseball?
OK, baseball-marathon critics: Is 69 seconds fast enough for you? That’s how long it took for Florida International to take the field Sunday and, four pitches later, get a game-ending ground out and a 4-3 win. The Conference USA game had been suspended Saturday night with one out to go after dense fog rolled in.
At TheOnion.com: “Clogged drain causes Orioles’ dugout to overflow with chewing to bacco spit.”
YAYS AND BOOZE
San Diego Pale Ale .394, in honour of the late Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn, has proven to be a bestseller in his hometown. So what’s next — Wayne Gretzky 99-proof whiskey?
With tennis star Maria Sharapova back from her 15-month drug ban, the question is this: Will she return to superstar form, or will she be just another grunt?
McCain Foods has recalled Wegmans O’Brien Hash Browns because they might have pieces of golf balls in them. In other words, golf balls have gone from the greens to the browns.
Smack-talking LaVar Ball claims his Big Baller brand will one day rival Nike’s. Though he’ll probably draw the line at Air Ball sneakers.
NOT COMING CLEAN
Nordstrom’s is selling jeans made to look like they’re covered in dirt for $425 a pair. So what would a pair of Pete Rose game-worn pants be worth?
TALKING THE TALK
Brewers journeyman Eric Thames, to reporters, not worried by drug tests in light of his sudden power surge this season: “If people keep thinking I’m on stuff, I’ll be here every day. I have lots of blood and urine.”
Snippet from Christine Kockinis’ obituary in the Sacramento Bee: “Christine requested that six players from the Sacramento Kings be her pallbearers so that they could let her down one last time.”
TBS’s Conan O’Brien, on plans for a “Game of Thrones” theme night at some MLB ballparks: “Instead of bobbleheads, fans will receive actual severed heads.”
SLIDER IN THE DIRT
Giants ace Madison Bumgarner might miss two months or more because of rib and shoulder injuries suffered in a dirt-bike accident. In other words, he’s sitting for the cycle.
San Francisco is naming a street MontanaClark Drive in honour of “The Catch” made by the 49ers’ Dwight Clark in 1981 vs. the Cowboys. “When they put the sign up they’ll have to lower the speed limit,” noted Hall of Fame QB Joe Montana, “because everyone knows Dwight wasn’t very fast.”
At SportsPickle.com: “White House announces the Patriots love it there so much they’ll play entire 2017 season on the South Lawn.”
At TheKicker.com: “Harbaugh screams at Pope for calling the wrong prayer.”
OK, WE’LL BITE
“How old are the San Antonio Spurs?” asked Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) WorldHerald. “A pregame playoff meal was an early-bird special.”
Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on Tiger Woods’ Top 25 finishes in PGA tournaments since the start of the 2014 season — four — equalling the number of back surgeries he’s undergone: “I will go out on a limb and suggest that is not a positive equation.”
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on Cubs third baseman Kris Bryant boasting MLB’s bestselling jersey: “The least popular jersey? The United Airlines softball uniforms.”
Jim Barach of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va., after Red Sox reliever Matt Barnes drew a four-game suspension for throwing at the Orioles’ Manny Machado: “If that was the rule in the old days, Don Don Drysdale and Bob Gibson wouldn’t have had more than three starts in a season.”
Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the jettisoned Sharks and floundering Giants: “Apparently sports gods feel Warriors are enough for Bay Area.”
Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, on Phil Jackson’s floundering NBA team: “Jackson is starting to look more and more like former Knicks president Isiah Thomas without the sexual-harassment charges.”
Gary Bachman, on Facebook, after ESPN’s Mike Golic said linebacker Reuben Foster hits anything that moves: “So Tom Brady has nothing to worry about.”
NBC’s Jimmy Fallon, on ex-Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter and ex-Florida governor Jeb Bush angling to buy the Miami Marlins: “That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush.”
RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on why his wife wanted to watch the World Mixed Doubles Curling Championship: “To see a man do his share of sweeping.”
Questions about journeyman Eric Thames power spike this season? ’I’m here every day.’
Just what every Pope needs: a football helmet and a pair of Jordans.