It’s time to run from cheat­ing hus­band

The Hamilton Spectator - - GO - el­liead­

Q. I re­cently ac­ci­den­tally dis­cov­ered that my hus­band of six months (liv­ing to­gether three years) has been hav­ing two sex-tex­ting re­la­tion­ships.

The se­cond one led to a phys­i­cal af­fair for the past three years.

I im­me­di­ately felt hor­ri­fied and sick, couldn’t eat or sleep.

He’d never in­di­cated any signs of an af­fair.

He has now told me it’s been go­ing on since the day I moved in with him. He slept with one of them a month be­fore our wed­ding.

These were very ac­tive sex-text af­fairs. In one month, his texts to one woman to­talled 960.

I’m sick with grief. He says he’ll stop and he’s dirty. I don’t know what to think.

A. Run! Go get checked for sex­u­ally trans­mit­ted in­fec­tions (STI’s), for a start to deal­ing with this de­ceit bomb.

Any­one who’s that adept at cheat­ing may be hid­ing more sex­ual acts.

Then take your­self on your own to a ther­a­pist, to probe what it was you saw in him, why you mar­ried him, and whether you could ever be­lieve a word from him again.

I didn’t sug­gest cou­ples’ coun­selling be­cause this man is so du­plic­i­tous he’s ca­pa­ble of con­vinc­ing you in ther­apy that he’ll stop, for you.

But he’s been ob­sessed with hav­ing out­side sex­ual con­nec­tions all the time he had you with him.

He also has his con­ve­nient “ex­cuse” of be­ing “dirty” (that’s not easy to change).

He’d need to see a sex ther­a­pist for many ses­sions … and theirs is of­ten the hard­est ther­apy spe­cialty to achieve suc­cess.

Dad’s ‘evil” girl­friend caus­ing grief for the rest of the fam­ily

Q. My boyfriend’s fa­ther has dated a woman on and off for seven years, and their com­pli­cated re­la­tion­ship is de­stroy­ing their fa­ther-son re­la­tion­ship.

The woman uses the fa­ther when she needs help (e.g. yard work or home main­te­nance), then they date for a few months un­til she hastily ends it.

Each time, his fa­ther swears that she’s evil, and he’s mov­ing on, then falls back and de­fends her ac­tions months later when they’re “on” again.

He doesn’t dare bring her to fam­ily events, as his own par­ents have openly said they hate her.

I can’t bear even a ca­sual din­ner with her, and nei­ther can my boyfriend or his brother. We all re­sent her treat­ment of him.

Each time that she re-en­ters their lives, the fa­ther barely sees his sons, and gets an­gry when they don’t want to be with her.

He then says they’re mak­ing his life dif­fi­cult.

His ex­cuse for be­ing with her is, “when it’s good, it’s good.”

My boyfriend feels he’s los­ing his fa­ther, who’s be­ing taken ad­van­tage of. Is there any­thing we can do?

A. His sons can talk to him openly, as they’d want him to talk to them were the sit­u­a­tion re­versed.

If their fa­ther truly loves her “when it’s good,” they need to dis­cuss to­gether why it goes “bad.”

He may need their help to rec­og­nize that she “uses” him. Or, he may lack con­fi­dence in him­self that he can do bet­ter.

The sons need to tell him that the re­la­tion­ship with her is push­ing them and his own par­ents away.

They can ex­plain that, if that hap­pens and she dumps him again, he will be dis­tanced from his clos­est sup­port people.

If they get nowhere, all of you need to re­assess. People fall in love for many rea­sons not al­ways clear to others.

Many par­ents have to ad­just their opin­ions of their chil­dren’s part­ners, to main­tain fam­ily bonds. This sit­u­a­tion is a re­v­erse. How you all han­dle it has longterm con­se­quences.

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