Woman, daugh­ter must run from abu­sive hus­band

The Hamilton Spectator - - GO - el­liead­vice.com DEAR EL­LIE

Q. Eigh­teen months ago, I moved our en­tire home out one day while my hus­band was at work. The rea­son? Years of men­tal, emo­tional, and phys­i­cal abuse. He was also tak­ing fi­nan­cial ad­van­tage of me and run­ning me into debt.

I moved into my own house with my daugh­ter.

He called for weeks, cry­ing and beg­ging me to re­turn. I fi­nally gave in to see­ing him once only.

He’s worked his way back into my life again, and we’ve been “dat­ing” but not liv­ing to­gether.

Now his con­trol­ling ways have a hold on me again. I hardly see friends or fam­ily. I’ve gained a lot of weight due to stress. He says if I have one night out with any­one, even my mom, he’ll never see me again.

I feel trapped. Yet I can’t stom­ach the thought of him be­ing with any­one else.

A. You still have the smarts and the guts to write this cry for help.

Run! Get to an abused women’s shel­ter with your daugh­ter, af­ter you first make con­tact on­line from a neu­tral com­puter e.g. at a li­brary. They’ll con­nect you with le­gal help. They’ll find you coun­selling help. You’ll soon be men­tally free to re­build the con­fi­dence you had just a year ago.

I re­peat, Run! Make a safe plan and get go­ing.

It’s just a fan­tasy

Feed­back re­gard­ing “Be­yond Fan­tasy” who was con­sid­er­ing turn­ing a fan­tasy ar­range­ment into a real three­some with­out telling his wife in ad­vance:

Reader — “My hus­band told me it turned him on to think of me hav­ing sex with an­other man while he watched.

“I was fine with the fan­tasy, and we car­ried on that way for some years. He would pre­tend to be some­one else that we knew.

“Then, one day, he ex­cit­edly told me that he’d made ar­range­ments with a paid male es­cort for that evening so that I could fi­nally re­al­ize my fan­tasy of be­ing with an­other man.

“I was stunned. He told me to get ready, as we were meet­ing this man at a ho­tel.

“I’ve never felt such panic or dis­may in my life.

“I said I had no in­ter­est in hav­ing sex with an­other man and that he was tak­ing this fan­tasy much too far.

“He got up and made a phone call. That was that, I thought.

“How­ever, every time we went on va­ca­tion, he’d scan the beach or bar and ask me to pick a guy with whom I’d like to have sex.

“When I said I couldn’t find any­one, he’d get an­gry, say­ing I was ru­in­ing the fan­tasy.

“The fan­tasy was one thing but try­ing to make it real was a deal-breaker.

“Our mar­riage was never the same af­ter the es­cort in­ci­dent and my life was mis­er­able.

“We’re no longer to­gether. ‘Be­yond Fan­tasy’ needs to fully un­der­stand what’s at stake if he takes things too far.”

Brother was abu­sive

Q. When I was age eight, the third old­est, my older brother babysat us three sib­lings while our parents went bowl­ing.

He’d take me alone into the base­ment, tie me to a pole un­dressed, and spank me. He’d leave me stand­ing in the dark for an hour, warn­ing me that if I ever told our younger sib­lings or our parents, the spank­ings would be much worse.

I’m now 54, bi­sex­ual, and can’t rid my­self of this spank­ing fetish for which I blame him.

I have de­pres­sion and sui­ci­dal feel­ings, but have never seen a ther­a­pist.

A. Your per­verse brother abused you cru­elly, when you were an in­no­cent child. You must get pro­fes­sional help, and it is avail­able. I urge you to im­me­di­ately call or email a con­fi­den­tial Dis­tress Cen­tre (search Google for a lo­cal one). Ex­pe­ri­enced helpers will lis­ten, un­der­stand your pain, and find the ap­pro­pri­ate coun­selling for you.

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