Hus­band tak­ing fam­ily, work calls on hon­ey­moon

The Hamilton Spectator - - Go Arts & Life - EL­LIE Read El­lie Mon­day to Satur­day. Email el­lie@thes­ Visit her web­site, el­liead­ Fol­low @el­liead­vice.

Q: My fi­ancé and I are soon get­ting mar­ried in a trop­i­cal lo­ca­tion, with­out friends or fam­ily present.

This is our de­ci­sion — to make it about us and not have all the stress that comes with the “big wed­ding.” We’re an older cou­ple, both pre­vi­ously had tra­di­tional mar­riage events.

My fi­ancé wants to con­duct busi­ness while on our hon­ey­moon. He’s in the fi­nan­cial plan­ning and in­sur­ance busi­ness.

Also, he plans on mak­ing/ac­cept­ing phone calls to/from “Daddy’s girl” while on our hon­ey­moon.

I’m frus­trated that he’s un­able to sep­a­rate him­self from his adult chil­dren for a week! Am I un­rea­son­able? Trop­i­cal Bride

A: You’re some­what un­rea­son­able about his daugh­ter, plus start­ing off on a neg­a­tive foot­ing by re­fer­ring to her (even if just in your own mind) as “Daddy’s girl.”

With non-tra­di­tional wed­dings now com­mon, it’s equally com­mon that adult chil­dren at­tend their par­ents’ sec­ond wed­dings.

Your choice oth­er­wise is fine, but it’s un­rea­son­able that he shouldn’t be able to have a chat with his daugh­ter that week.

The more in­clu­sive, pos­i­tive way to han­dle this is to sug­gest that, af­ter the cer­e­mony, you both speak to all adult chil­dren and re­ceive con­grat­u­la­tions. I strongly sug­gest that you speak to his daugh­ter, too.

If you raise this ap­proach, it’s then log­i­cal to say that, given you’re away only one week, you’d pre­fer if you both lim­ited fam­ily calls to just that one (bar­ring emer­gen­cies).

As for his work calls, he’s in a busi­ness that could have him oc­cu­pied for hours daily, talk­ing to clients.

Gen­tly sug­gest that he make only es­sen­tial con­tacts, and give time to ex­plor­ing your trop­i­cal des­ti­na­tion, re­lax­ing to­gether and ap­pre­ci­at­ing the lux­ury of a brief hon­ey­moon respite from stress. Q: I’m a man, 66, stuck be­tween a sixyear re­la­tion­ship and start­ing a new one. The old re­la­tion­ship isn’t go­ing as be­fore and is be­com­ing a prob­lem, with her moved into a re­tire­ment home and al­ways want­ing me to run there and see her a lot.

She’s not giv­ing me any space to en­joy life and see other peo­ple and places.

I’m not mar­ried to her. I want to be happy with a very spe­cial per­son, which isn’t easy to find.

How do I han­dle this rough time? Caught Be­tween

A: Your let­ter shows that for some peo­ple, the search for hap­pi­ness some­times never ends.

The chal­lenge for most of us through­out life, how­ever, is know­ing for sure what brings hap­pi­ness, and what de­creases or shat­ters it.

Ap­par­ently, you were happy with the first woman for sev­eral years, but her move to a re­tire­ment home has re­stricted your sense of free­dom.

You feel pres­sured to see her there, in­stead of wher­ever you choose, and pre­vented from see­ing your friends who live else­where, go­ing to events, etc.

If you care for her as a per­son (why else be to­gether for six years?) you must re­al­ize that she’s now much more re­stricted than you are, and she’s try­ing to ad­just.

But you’ve al­ready started mov­ing on. There’s some­one else whom you want in your life, in­stead.

These things hap­pen, though it sounds some­what harsh for the woman who must ac­cept be­ing left be­hind just when she most needed her once-clos­est com­pan­ion.

Nev­er­the­less, that re­la­tion­ship is al­ready over in your mind, so tell her.

Be hon­est and be kind. Say that your lives are in dif­fer­ent modes now, that you care about her and will visit her oc­ca­sion­ally, if she still wants that (mean it, at least for a while). El­lie’s tip of the day

A wed­ding should in­clude gen­eros­ity of thought re­gard­ing each other’s chil­dren from pre­vi­ous re­la­tion­ships.

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