Lizard peo­ple are grow­ing in num­bers

The Intelligencer (Belleville) - - NEWS - VIC­TOR SCHUKOV

A con­sid­er­able num­ber of peo­ple be­lieve an an­cient alien race of lizards are slowly tak­ing over hu­man bod­ies with the pur­pose of ul­ti­mately rul­ing the world.

Laugh if you must. (In fact, I would ap­pre­ci­ate it.) Those who at­tempt to ex­pose them sud­denly dis­ap­pear in­ex­pli­ca­bly. (That’s why I moved out of Que­bec, Canada’s own ver­sion of In­va­sion of the Body Snatch­ers.)

There are many sub­tle ways of iden­ti­fy­ing these di­a­bol­i­cally in­va­sive green-blooded forces. Some are ob­vi­ous, like the whole On­tario Lib­eral party, and some re­quire a bit more squint­ing, like when some­one at Burger King asks for grasshop­pers on their Whop­per.

We shouldn’t re­ally be shocked to learn some of us are not hu­man. (ie. Tom Cruise and Lady Gaga.) As a species, we are ge­net­i­cally geared to fall into com­pla­cency while the pa­tient lizards har­vest our souls. Granted, even the lizard peo­ple didn’t get it right the first time. Upon land­ing here thou­sands of years ago, they took over the bod­ies of all earth rep­tiles and even­tu­ally got lulled into just sleep­ing on rocks dur­ing the day. They even­tu­ally switched to Plan B: Take over the bod­ies of Ford ve­hi­cles. But after los­ing most of their brethren to rust and faulty trans­mis­sions (while some still sur­vive as Fair­lanes and Rancheros in Ha­vana) they hit upon the cur­rent agenda: Suck out the free will of mankind and in­habit its mor­tal coil. (I think that’s what’s writ­ten on their flag.)

It is my con­tention that we are now sat­u­rated with ex­trater­res­tri­als incog­nito. Have you not no­ticed that there are fewer and fewer cats on the street? And X-file ex­perts will tell you that the aliens have let down their guard by de­vel­op­ing a strong ap­pre­ci­a­tion for ar­guably our so­lar sys­tem’s great­est in­ven­tion: beer. It is no won­der that their Supreme Leader Wynne (You couldn’t pro­nounce her real name) is push­ing to have it all avail­able in su­per­mar­kets. Co­in­ci­dence? I think not.

You may not know this but the clammy body snatch­ers are also tele­pathic. That is why they in­habit all of the up­per man­age­ment of Bell Canada. Have you ever been over­charged on your phone bill? Have you ever waited for­ever for a Bell ser­vice­man? Have you ever had to spend hours on the phone try­ing to clear up their mess? And have you ever been cut off sud­denly when a Bell rep­re­sen­ta­tive puts you on hold? –Lizards. Lizards. Lizards. Lizards.

Lizard dom­i­na­tion is all true, ac­cord­ing to David Icke, a noted author who cer­tainly would not let the ram­pant suc­cess of a money-mak­ing best seller muddy up his as­ser­tion that these shape-shift­ing repo-men from Al­pha Dra­co­nis al­ready oc­cupy the grey mat­ter of such lu­mi­nar­ies as Kevin O’Leary (Like it’s not ob­vi­ous.) and three of my in-laws.

My friend Peter — a good­ness to gra­cious, red-blooded vig­i­lant hu­man with no other friends, for ob­vi­ous rea­sons — thinks we should form a re­sis­tance group called Watch­men for the Ex­punge­ment of In­va­sive Rep­tile De­viants (W.E.I.R.D.) In re­cruit­ing un­tainted mem­bers, he main­tains that we shall go on two ways of iden­ti­fy­ing lizard peo­ple: They feed on hu­man emo­tions, and can­not tell a lie. With proper screen­ing I am con­fi­dent we can fill the ranks of WEIRD with emo­tion­less couch pota­toes and liars. (Peter is work­ing on de­sign­ing a nice logo for his line of WEIRD hats and t-shirts all made out of Al­can alu­minum foil.)

All those in­ter­ested in sav­ing the cats and in­sects of the county may an­swer this piece. Those with green blood need not ap­ply. (We know who you are.)

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