Whoomp, hair it is

The Packet (Clarenville) - - FRONT PAGE - Steve Bartlett The Deep End Steve Bartlett is an ed­i­tor with SaltWire Net­work. He dives into the Deep End Mon­days to es­cape re­al­ity and sa­lons. Reach him at sbartlett@thetele­gram.com.

“New study re­veals bald men are smarter, stronger and sex­ier.”

I’ve known this for a long, long time. Apolo­gies for not telling you sooner, but I didn’t re­ally want to gloat or share my se­cret.

Upon learn­ing of these bald ben­e­fits, a few of you are likely shak­ing your head, and yelling “Fake News” at your news­pa­per, com­puter, or smart phone.

Could you please do me a BIG favour?

Please scream ‘Fake News about male pat­tern bald­ness!” — re­gard­less of your au­di­ence or lo­cale — at what­ever paper or elec­tronic de­vice you’re read­ing this on.

Then, drop me an email de­tail­ing the re­ac­tion and re­sponse you get. Dis­claimer: If you are fired or jailed, the Cana­dian Broad­cast­ing Cor­po­ra­tion will as­sume all re­spon­si­bil­ity.

Any­way, the open­ing state­ment about bald guys be­ing smart, strong and sexy is 100 per cent ac­tual fac­tual.

It has to be. I dis­cov­ered it on Face­book.

As well, my ex­pe­ri­ence over decades of be­ing fol­li­cally free backs it up.

If you are still read­ing, let’s go through each of the afore­men­tioned bald bonuses.

Bald men are smarter. With­out a doubt, es­pe­cially in terms of money and time man­age­ment.

I spend zero on hair­cuts, hair prod­ucts or frosted flakes … oops, I mean frosted tips. I in­vest those sav­ings on things cof­fee, pizza and the odd beer. (OK, I drink the even beers too.)

And I waste no time comb­ing, curl­ing, dry­ing or try­ing to get my hair like Justin Trudeau or Don­ald Trump.

Bald men are stronger. Strength can be de­fined in a num­ber of ways.

Some peo­ple say re­sist­ing temp­ta­tion is a sign of strength. When it comes to hair, be­ing bald re­moves a lot of temp­ta­tion and, thus, makes the for­tu­nate au­to­mat­i­cally stronger. I’m not at all tempted to try a comb over, a high fade or a slick quiff.

As well, the mul­let of my youth is gone for­ever. Our world is a bet­ter, kin­der place be­cause of that.

And I never, ever have to com­plain about bad hair days, head lice or high hu­mid­ity mak­ing my hair curl or frizz.

Oh, and for me, Split Enz is the name of an ’80s band!

Bald men are sex­ier. The top of my head is the most eroge­nous zone on the planet, so yeah.

Touch the crown of my nog­gin and I melt. Putty in your hands. Yours to do what­ever you wish (be nice, trolls).

I’m re­ally sur­prised teams of sex­ol­o­gists haven’t asked to study my bald spot. I ac­cept all re­search grants if any re­searchers are in­ter­ested. Cash pre­ferred.

Writ­ing this col­umn, I felt a swell of con­fi­dence.

I was bald and beam­ing, and ready to tackle any chal­lenge.

How­ever, my daugh­ter quickly burst that bub­ble, de­flat­ing my bald ego with a sim­ple ques­tion.

“Daddy, could you put my hair in a pony­tail?” she asked.

Cue the hor­ror movie slasher sound.

I be­came over­come with fol­lic­u­lar fear.

My re­ply: “Ahhh … hmmm … Are you sure you want to wear your hair that way?”

Her re­sponse was af­fir­ma­tive, and noth­ing else would do.

I be­gan wrestling with her long locks and she went to day­care with what I dubbed a pony­fail.

Bald men might be smarter, stronger and sex­ier, but they are com­pletely use­less in hairy sit­u­a­tions.

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