AIDS pageant in Uganda seeks to stem stigma
Dear Amy: When I was growing up, my father called me terrible names, almost always centered on insulting my intelligence (calling me “stupid,” a “nitwit,” etc.). When I did well in college, he questioned how challenging my school was.
My mother also insulted me, usually about my appearance (calling me “fat,” etc.), and questioned why a man would ever be attracted to me. I am adopted and both parents seemed to think that my many flaws were genetic.
Now, my parents are senior citizens living in a nursing home, and I am 50 years old.
The rude comments continue. I’ve been quiet about it over the years, out of respect for my parents. But the last straw came today when my Dad said to me, “Enough of your stupid writing. You need to quit that and get a real job.” Amy, I’ve been a freelance writer for eight years. I love what I do, and I’m good at it.
Prior to my writing career, I spent many unhappy years in a different career, and my Dad made snide comments about that, too.
I am at the breaking point. If anyone else was this verbally abusive, snarky and insulting to me, I’d tell them off and cut them out of my life.
I am not a doormat and will not put up with disrespect, but I don’t know how to handle this.
I’m thinking that for my sanity, cutting my parents out of my life might be the only option. Can you help? — DAUGHTER AT A LOSS Dear Daughter: Before walking away from your parents altogether (which would be your last resort), you should start to speak your truth in a way where you would at least feel you’ve stood up for yourself.
These two people are not likely to change substantially, although you may be able to retrain them.
The next time you are outright insulted, you say, “Mom and Dad, you’ve insulted me off and on my whole life, and I’m asking you to stop.”
Expect them to be bewildered by this sudden change in you. Give them a few examples of what you will no longer tolerate. Tell them, calmly, “I am always kind to you. I expect the same. I’m letting you know that in the future, if you insult me, I’m going to get my coat and leave. Do you understand?”
And then — let it lie. Give them an opportunity to behave differently. And always have your coat handy.
Dear Amy: I’m separated from my husband right now and living with my family. I’m not really fond of this situation because the house is crowded.
My husband and I separated because it got to the point where we couldn’t talk to each other respectfully.
Since I’ve been back home, I’ve been thrown under the bus by my grandmother at church, had remarks made about me and my husband and now I’m being accused of not making any effort to talk to anyone while I’m here.
This is making me miss my husband!
How do I deal with the pain of feeling used — but not wanted — while I’m here, trying to fix my marriage?
— FEELING REJECTED AND USED
Dear Feeling: If your family’s home is so crowded, maybe other family members aren’t all that thrilled about having another person in the household, especially one who is “working on herself.” Are you being used? Because your family members may feel they are being used.
Have you conveyed your gratitude? Are you going the extra mile to be helpful? Or are you so focused on your situation that you have forgotten that other people also have needs and problems?
Trying to see this from their perspective might help you to communicate, thus making it less like Hell and more like home.
KAMPALA, Uganda — When she was younger, Tryphena Natukunda’s mother discouraged her from swallowing her antiretroviral medicines among strangers or even distant relatives.
Because the girl had AIDS, which can fuel stigmatization and invite harsh judgment, the mother wanted her daughter’s condition kept a secret within the family.
Yet as she grew older, Natukunda, now 18 and the latest winner of a beauty pageant for young Ugandan women with the virus that causes AIDS, yearned to live openly, even if it meant people saying harsh things behind her back.
Natukunda was crowned Miss Young Positive during a boisterous affair at a Kampala hotel early Sunday, besting nine other contestants in an annual competition organized to enlighten people about the dangers of discriminating against people with AIDS. A similar competition is held for young men.
“If my mother was not with me, I couldn’t go any place where they didn’t know my status,” Natukunda recalled late Saturday. “What we used to fear was people seeing me taking my drugs and then asking, ‘What are those drugs for?’ ”
It’s a question that haunts other AIDS patients in this East African country, where experts warn that discrimination remains an obstacle to preventing new HIV infections. Many Ugandans still regard an HIV diagnosis as proof of irresponsible sexual behaviour and a source of shame.
Mothers suffering from AIDS have been known to breastfeed their infants in public places, exposing their children to HIV because they don’t want a bottle and formula to make others suspect they are infected.
Organizers of the HIV-themed beauty pageant, which launched in 2014, say one way of curbing the irrational fear of AIDS that fuels discrimination is for more people living with HIV to open up about their status rather than conceal it.
Whoever wins the pageant is expected to become a roving ambassador in the fight against AIDS, Nakayiza said. Instead of physical attributes or special talents, contestants were judged on their knowledge of HIV, including basic questions such as the term for which HIV serves as an acronym.
The Ugandan government has been campaigning to persuade more people to get tested for HIV, since experts believe those who know their status are more likely to abstain from risky sexual behaviour. The HIV prevalence rate in Uganda stood at 7.1 per cent in 2015 among adults aged 15 to 49, according to the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS.
In 2005 the prevalence rate was 6.4 per cent, down from the double-digit figures in the 1990s that inspired behaviour-change campaigns for which Uganda was known globally. However, tens of thousands still get infected with the virus each year.