So tired

Blurred lines be­tween night and day

The Prince George Citizen - - SPORTS -

Some­times there is no ex­pla­na­tion for waking up at 4 a.m. Some­times, like today, I have wo­ken in a panic claw­ing my way through a ridicu­lous dream wherein my hus­band and I are run­ning bare­foot in our back­yard. There are wolves chas­ing us and the wolves have glow­ing blue eyes, not un­like the white walk­ers from Game of Thrones.

When I woke with my heart pound­ing, I dis­cov­ered that I was hot as hell, jammed in be­tween my son and my hus­band who were sleep­ing peace­fully on ei­ther side of me.

Slowly ex­tract­ing my­self from in be­tween them, I made cof­fee re­al­iz­ing that sleep will not be found and I started my day in the wee hours of the morn­ing. Be­ing up in the mid­dle of the night is not new to me but that doesn’t mean I like it.

When you first get preg­nant, peo­ple will hap­pily pro­vide un­so­licited ad­vice about all sorts of things about rais­ing a baby. When the child is born, more opin­ions ar­rive; some so­licited, mostly not.

Largely, opin­ions abound around the idea of chil­dren sleep­ing: what you should do, what you shouldn’t do, what never to do. Then, when you are just get­ting to the point where you are feel­ing rel­a­tively com­fort­able that you will not ac­ci­den­tally kill your baby by breath­ing on it wrong, you dis­cover the truth that many par­ents have dis­cov­ered be­fore: you have no idea what you are do­ing and you are so, so very tired.

That feel­ing doesn’t go away. For me, I am only sure about a few things with re­gard to par­ent­ing.

For one, I have no idea what I am do­ing and sec­ond, I am sorry for what­ever it is that I did in a past life to have chil­dren who don’t sleep well. All peo­ple are unique and so too are chil­dren. What that means is that some chil­dren sleep and some, re­ally, do not.

Not all peo­ple re­quire the same amount of sleep and all that I know for sure is that it would ap­pear that my chil­dren are sleep­less ro­bots. There is no other ex­pla­na­tion.

Our daugh­ter is al­most four years old and from the very be­gin­ning of her life, she has not slept well. I have even brought her in to the doc­tor in a blurry-eye daze to try and find so­lu­tions to her lack of deep sleep but I tend to come across as a hys­ter­i­cal mother so the ap­point­ments do not go well. She sleeps so lightly that if you ex­hale too loud she will wake scream­ing.

It is su­per-fun at night at my house. My son has grown out of most of his sleep is­sues and (mostly) will sleep un­in­ter­rupted (ex­cept for last night – and some other nights).

How it is that he doesn’t hear his sis­ter’s blood­cur­dling screams, I have no idea and but I am grate­ful when even one child sleeps. I am not sure why the kids crawl into the bed with us in the mid­dle of the night and I am con­tin­u­ally per­plexed as to why the chil­dren walk all the way around the bed to climb in on my side and then lie down on my hair.

I am not com­plain­ing, (that was a lie), I would just like peo­ple to be fore­warned when I start to bab­ble in­co­her­ently or weep­ing un­con­trol­lably. I am just so very tired and I don’t even re­mem­ber if I used to be a morn­ing or an even­ing per­son. I think I have be­come a “would use any ex­cuse or rea­son to have a nap” type of per­son.

I have heard that even­tu­ally they grow out of it and will sleep through the night. Maybe, when they are 30.

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