End the affair, come clean

The Welland Tribune - - Arts & Life - DEAR EL­LIE el­liead­vice.com

Q. I’m 28, in a re­la­tion­ship for seven months (best friends for 10 years). We’ve talked about mov­ing in next year, kids, mar­riage.

How­ever, a cou­ple of months ago, I saw on his phone that he was look­ing on­line for bi-ex­per­i­men­ta­tion.

While he never went through with it, it shocked me based on sit­u­a­tions in my past re: cheat­ing and ly­ing.

He’s since been see­ing a sex ther­a­pist, be­cause he has a much-lower li­bido than me, and to sort out his is­sues re­gard­ing sex.

With me, he wor­ried that due to his lower sex drive, he wasn’t pleas­ing me.

When I dis­cov­ered his emails, I went crazy, feel­ing hurt and lost. That week, I started an affair. It’s still on. I feel like crap some­times be­cause I’m so op­posed to cheat­ing. But I’m al­most re­lieved that I could have this side, and this me time.

I feel badly be­cause he’s work­ing hard on him­self, de­voted to me and our fu­ture. I just don’t know why I don’t feel bad enough to end this affair.

A. You’re not ready to plan a fu­ture, not with some­one you feel no guilt about be­tray­ing. Sue, he was the first to err … through on­line cu­rios­ity, NOT cheat­ing. Now he’s ad­dress­ing his sex­ual is­sues for you, while you have it off with some­one else.

You’ve walked blithely into an affair, like you’re owed it be­cause of past hurts. Never mind the man you claim to love.

Get to your own coun­selling, fast. Drop the affair and come clean with your guy.

If you can’t do that, break up.

Ad­vice to par­ents-in-law: Zip it

Q. My univer­sity-ed­u­cated daugh­ter-in­law doesn’t tidy up, cook, do laun­dry. She has a reg­u­lar clean­ing ser­vice.

Her child, age four, is con­stantly re­buffed be­cause mom spends most of her time on­line. The house is lit­tered with her shoes and soiled cloth­ing. She buys ex­pen­sively, then loses, breaks, and tosses them like trash.

She claims she’s too ex­hausted af­ter her desk-job work day to do “any more.”

My son does all of the house­hold, yard work, and child-rear­ing.

He’s very tired and disillusioned. I’m afraid he’ll lose love for her.

She re­fuses coun­selling. I help him with the laun­dry and babysit four evenings weekly so she can go to the gym. I’ve never had a dis­agree­ment with her, but have lost so much re­spect, it’s hard to keep si­lent.

A. The ex­pres­sion among wise par­entsin-law is this: Zip it.

That refers to your crit­i­cal com­ments. The worst thing you can do for your grand­child is to cre­ate an en­emy of her mother.

Your son’s cop­ing. He must’ve known she was un­tidy and care­less about pos­ses­sions, from dat­ing her.

Mean­while, she works. There’s a clean­ing ser­vice. They’re not liv­ing in dire straits.

Lots of par­ents are seem­ingly on­line con­stantly. Their child will be, too.

The cou­ple may dis­cover that it’s health­ier for their child to have some re­stric­tions on screen time and per­sonal de­vices. But that’s their bat­tle to fight, not yours.

When you babysit, read to her. Buy her books and art sup­plies. Be lov­ing and at­ten­tive. That’s your best role.

Wel­come to wed­ding sea­son

Reader’s Com­men­tary: Re­gard­ing the woman whose son’s girl­friend isn’t in­vited to his friend’s wed­ding:

Reader: “The mother acts like this is the end of the world. Why does she think she has a say in a wed­ding to which she wasn’t in­vited? Why was the guest list even dis­cussed with her? What kind of adult tat­tles to his mommy that his new girl­friend wasn’t in­vited to a wed­ding?

“It’s some­one else’s wed­ding that she and her sons are not re­lated to, so there should be ab­so­lutely no judg­ment or spec­u­la­tion about the guest list.

“The son needs to grow up.

El­lie: Wel­come to wed­ding sea­son when critics emerge in full bloom.

Thank­fully, oth­ers stay mind­ful that wed­ding costs and fam­ily dif­fer­ences can turn a hoped-for happy event into a cir­cus of petty squab­bling. Their si­lent un­der­stand­ing is greatly ap­pre­ci­ated.

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