Some points about antlers, off the top of my head
YESTERDAY, I CHECKED A trail camera that I have set out in the deer woods and noticed that I had photos of three bucks. Two were sparring. For a deer hunter, this is the deer-hunting version of a pay-per-view event.
Like a good pay-per-view event, this was basically predictable and boring.
First, both deer looked at each other menacingly. In this case, they were two middle-weight eight pointers who decided to lock horns while a bantamweight six pointer looked on.
There were plenty of head fakes and a whole lot of circling, just like when you see two out of shape men posture over something they should be able to settle like responsible adults.
My photos showed that both deer eventually had enough of the posturing so they locked antlers and began pushing each other around for a few seconds. Then, though I don’t understand the deer language or have audio capability on my camera, I suppose they said insulting things about each other’s mother.
Stuff like: “Your mother is so fat, hunters will need two ATVs to drag her out.”
Followed by “Oh, yeah! Your momma is so fat they call her a dough.”
You get the idea. There was a lot of trash talk going on. Then there was more pushing.
Watching photos of sparring was interesting, but more than anything else it made me happy to be part of a species that does not grow antlers.
As far as I can see, antlers serve no other purpose than to get the owner in trouble.
No good ever came from owning a big set of antlers. Hunters target you. Other bucks constantly challenge you. You always have to fight because of them. They are heavy and get caught in fences and clothes lines. They often look gaudy. Then, just when everyone gets used to that look, they fall off and you have these unsightly bases on the top of your head, which wouldn’t be so bad if deer wore hats. But, as far as I know, they don’t.
Oh, sure, if you have a big set of antlers and a heavy, muscular body to back it, you might win the right to be the dominant buck, which means you’ll be able to breed more does than others. The down side is this uses too much energy and burns off fat just before winter which is when you need it the most. Secondly, in spring, every fawn in the woods would be hitting you up for money for a school trip.
If humans had antlers, a lot of things would be different. For one, we’d all have to drive convertibles or vehicles with sun roofs during the antler growing season.
Plus, a good set of antlers would make fly casting more difficult and would probably mean that you’d have to sit in front of your wife when she is trying to wrap her yarn. Company Christmas parties would also be hell because we’d all be expected to decorate our points. They’d also be hard on ceiling fans and chandeliers, although they would make head stands easier and ring toss more fun.
And, god help you, if you had a spindly little set, because like deer, we’d probably attach way to much importance on that, rather than hands.
Basically, antlers are trouble and we’re lucky we don’t have them.
On the other hand, they’d make football a lot more interesting.