Oh, OK, you obsessives, here’s your Duchess of Sussex cover. Sorry, but it’s mostly about her family, who are sad to be estranged from her despite calling her “Princess Pushy” and “jaded, shallow (and) conceited.” Half-sister Sam gave a mysterious letter to a palace guard; I bet a phrase like “even one little jewel would really help me out” shows up. Also, Meghan made a secret visit to Toronto. So it really was her you saw at Sneaky Dee’s at 1 a.m.
Lean without greens: Kelly Clarkson has lost 30 pounds with a system that lets her eat fried chicken and cake but is wary of ... plants. If this works, it’s the biggest story of the week. Yes, bigger than Biggs.