Of all the sea­sons, fall is my ab­so­lute least favourite

Waterloo Region Record - - Arts & Life - DREW ED­WARDS Drew Ed­wards is a lit­tle salty about the end of sum­mer. He can be reached at drew@drewed­wards.ca

Though it felt more like sum­mer this week, there’s been no short­age of fawn­ing over the ar­rival of fall re­cently. “The tem­per­a­ture is per­fect,” I keep hear­ing, or “the leaves are so pretty,” or “I looooove the Pump­kin Spice Latte.”

This is all just wrong. Not only is fall not the best sea­son, it is the undis­puted worst of the four pos­si­ble op­tions. Here is the de­fin­i­tive list of sea­sons, ranked.

1. Sum­mer

Sum­mer is about sun­shine and warmth, pa­tios and beers, va­ca­tion and re­lax­ation. Burg­ers on the bar­be­cue and beers on the back deck hap­pen in the sum­mer. Shorts and T-shirts and flip-flops and straw hats and sun­glasses are com­fort­able and stylish. Be­ing out­side is most en­joy­able in the sum­mer, when things are gen­er­ally not frozen or muddy. Ev­ery now and again there’s a cool thun­der­storm, then it goes back to be­ing nice. There are some peo­ple who com­plain it’s too hot in the sum­mer, it’s too sticky and un­com­fort­able. That’s ridicu­lous. Crank up the air con­di­tion­ing, sit closer to the fan or just let the sweat trickle down your spine while think­ing back to the atroc­ity that is Fe­bru­ary.

2. Win­ter

Just kid­ding about Fe­bru­ary! The thing about Cana­dian win­ters is that they re­quire a cer­tain stoic per­se­ver­ance that makes me feel like some­one who could en­dure any­thing na­ture could throw at me (even though I’m as soft as the Pills­bury Dough­boy). I feel like I could go to war with a tuque and a shovel if I had to. Win­ter is pretty, the sea­son of snow­men and nights by the fire. Win­ter is Christ­mas and Bing Crosby tunes and a lit­tle Amaretto in the cof­fee just to warm up. It pro­vides a real break from the monotony of sum­mer, spring and fall. I mean, what’s re­ally the dif­fer­ence be­tween them be­yond the need for a sweater now and again? Try that in -30 C and see how it goes.

3. Spring

When it’s still snow­ing in March, it’s time to move on — enough al­ready. Spring is about re­birth, buds on the trees and a cool rain that prom­ises to bring flow­ers. It’s a re­minder that ev­ery­thing will be OK again. But spring is also fickle and un­pre­dictable, prone to re­gres­sions back to frigid­ness and blasts of un­sea­son­able heat. There’s the dirt and de­tri­tus left over from win­ter and mud and muck ev­ery­where. Af­ter months of hi­ber­na­tion, it turns out go­ing out­side isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

4. Fall

Yes, by all means make the nice warm weather go away and usher in all the aw­ful cold. Sure, those leaves may look pretty now, but they’ll soon be ev­ery­where ex­cept in the trees — the branches re­duced to naked, gnarled fin­gers of empti­ness. No­body looks good in or­ange and brown, and a scarf with­out a jacket is the peak of fash­ion pre­ten­sion. And pump­kin spice was fine when it was just an over­priced cof­fee drink with 700 calo­ries’ worth of sugar syrup but it has been be­come an om­nipresent ad­di­tive to just about ev­ery­thing. You know why they carve pump­kins? Be­cause they taste like crap.

Just like the rest of fall.

GETTY IMAGES/IS­TOCK­PHOTO

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