Of all the seasons, fall is my absolute least favourite
Though it felt more like summer this week, there’s been no shortage of fawning over the arrival of fall recently. “The temperature is perfect,” I keep hearing, or “the leaves are so pretty,” or “I looooove the Pumpkin Spice Latte.”
This is all just wrong. Not only is fall not the best season, it is the undisputed worst of the four possible options. Here is the definitive list of seasons, ranked.
Summer is about sunshine and warmth, patios and beers, vacation and relaxation. Burgers on the barbecue and beers on the back deck happen in the summer. Shorts and T-shirts and flip-flops and straw hats and sunglasses are comfortable and stylish. Being outside is most enjoyable in the summer, when things are generally not frozen or muddy. Every now and again there’s a cool thunderstorm, then it goes back to being nice. There are some people who complain it’s too hot in the summer, it’s too sticky and uncomfortable. That’s ridiculous. Crank up the air conditioning, sit closer to the fan or just let the sweat trickle down your spine while thinking back to the atrocity that is February.
Just kidding about February! The thing about Canadian winters is that they require a certain stoic perseverance that makes me feel like someone who could endure anything nature could throw at me (even though I’m as soft as the Pillsbury Doughboy). I feel like I could go to war with a tuque and a shovel if I had to. Winter is pretty, the season of snowmen and nights by the fire. Winter is Christmas and Bing Crosby tunes and a little Amaretto in the coffee just to warm up. It provides a real break from the monotony of summer, spring and fall. I mean, what’s really the difference between them beyond the need for a sweater now and again? Try that in -30 C and see how it goes.
When it’s still snowing in March, it’s time to move on — enough already. Spring is about rebirth, buds on the trees and a cool rain that promises to bring flowers. It’s a reminder that everything will be OK again. But spring is also fickle and unpredictable, prone to regressions back to frigidness and blasts of unseasonable heat. There’s the dirt and detritus left over from winter and mud and muck everywhere. After months of hibernation, it turns out going outside isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Yes, by all means make the nice warm weather go away and usher in all the awful cold. Sure, those leaves may look pretty now, but they’ll soon be everywhere except in the trees — the branches reduced to naked, gnarled fingers of emptiness. Nobody looks good in orange and brown, and a scarf without a jacket is the peak of fashion pretension. And pumpkin spice was fine when it was just an overpriced coffee drink with 700 calories’ worth of sugar syrup but it has been become an omnipresent additive to just about everything. You know why they carve pumpkins? Because they taste like crap.
Just like the rest of fall.