WHO COULD BE THE NEXT GG?
Not content to let the United States get all the attention for swapping out its Commander-in-chief, on Thursday it emerged that Canada's Governor General, Julie Payette, would be resigning after allegations of a toxic workplace at Rideau Hall. That means we'll soon need to find someone else to act as the Queen's representative on our shores. The National Post's Tristin Hopper has some suggestions:
ANOTHER RETIRED ASTRONAUT
Astronaut selection is an extremely rigorous process that finds candidates who not only hold scientific and athletic ability, but who are calm enough to handle the rigours of public relations and the maddeningly tight quarters of space travel. It just so happens we picked the one short-fused astronaut. So the general idea is still good. Maybe Chris Hadfield?
ANDREW SCHEER
Remember when Scheer was Speaker of the House, and not one of the most uninspiring conservative leaders of modern times? The man excelled at procedural government stuff, but not so much when he had to actually talk to normal people. Modern-day governors general are usually picked for their ability to stand aside from politics, but Scheer is one better: Someone who can't do politics even when he tries.
NIKI ASHTON
If there's one thing that unites the Liberal government and their Conservative opposition, it's distrust for the NDP. So why not put a ring on that point of commonality by imprisoning one of Canada's Ndp-est politicians in Rideau Hall? Something similar was tried in 1979, with the appointment of former Manitoba NDP premier Edward Schreyer. The result? Schreyer and his family were utterly miserable.
PRINCE HARRY
In the long-ago days of the British Empire, overseas Governor Generalships were an excellent place to exile upstart children of the sovereign, and it's frankly a convention that needs to be rebooted. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are clearly tired of the stuffy lives of London royals, but they do seem to like living in luxury while doing very little actual work. This job is honestly tailor-made for them.
JODY WILSONRAYBOULD
Wilson-raybould would be an excellent choice. She's trained in law, will clearly value principle over politics in difficult decisions, and her Indigenous background makes her a powerful symbolic choice as the representative of the Crown. Trudeau would never, ever recommend her for the post, of course, but it would be fun to hear him explain why.
KIM CAMPBELL
She's available! While Campbell was a Progressive Conservative prime minister for a brief period when Jurassic Park was in theatres, her Twitter account has lately made it eminently clear that she doesn't seem to retain all that many Tory sentiments. So, the Liberals would get to look like they're picking a non-liberal partisan even though they aren't really.
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
Regal bearing? Check. Great-grandson of a prime minister? Check. Has a track record of being parachuted in as an 11th hour replacement for scandal-ridden predecessors? Checkmate. At age 91, Plummer doesn't belong in the Ferrari-driving, Botoxed world of Hollywood. He deserves to be at home in the Great White North; warm and comfortable in the slightly medicinal-smelling halls of the Governor General's residence.
TAREQ HADHAD
A former medical student in Syria, Hadhad came to Canada as a refugee, settled in small-town Nova Scotia and founded the high-minded confectionary Peace by Chocolate. Trudeau's wildest fever dream could admittedly not concoct a more cinematically appropriate Governor General. Hadhad would also restore some much-needed facial hair to the role.
THE GREAT ONE
Well, we know Wayne Gretzky is looking for a new place to live. Gretzky is remarkably well-practised at one of the most important parts of being a Governor General: Smiling and standing where your handlers tell you to stand. The same man who has spent 40 years feigning interest next to chocolate bars, breakfast cereal and cheap beer could easily do the same next to the Deputy Ambassador of Estonia.
ONE OF THE OLD GOVERNORS GENERAL
Retired governors general sort of have a bad habit of billing their former employer into oblivion. Adrienne Clarkson, for one, still hits up the Canadian taxpayer for up to $100,000 a year in office expenses. So why not put her back to work?
A CHINESE SPY
Let's just say that Canada doesn't have the best reputation of late at standing up to the People's Republic of China. So, we might as well just own it and put an agent for Beijing in the job. Cameron Ortis, a former RCMP intelligence officer arrested for allegedly turning over secrets to China, is already in custody, so moving him to Rideau Hall could be framed as a lateral move.
A TORN-DOWN STATUE OF JOHN A. MACDONALD
A controversial choice, to be clear, but Canada has a long political tradition of getting rid of inconvenient figures via patronage appointments. So, by consigning Macdonald's brass visage to the murky depths of Governor Generaldom, opponents no longer have to see him looming over their civic parks, and supporters can take solace that the appointment is technically an honour. It's a win-win, really.
MARGARET ATWOOD'S ROBOT PEN
Canada could do well to automate a job whose core responsibilities involve signing things the prime minister gives them. In 2006, author Margaret Atwood invented the Longpen, a robotic pen that would allow her to attend book signings remotely. There's no reason it couldn't also be programmed as a purveyor of royal assent.