Think­ing about NYE kisses driv­ing her ba­nanas

Winnipeg Free Press - Section D - - ARTS & LIFE -

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I want to go out to this old-fash­ioned 1950s New Year’s Eve party our friends are hav­ing, but I don’t want to kiss any­body at mid­night ex­cept my boyfriend. We’re both 21. I’ve asked my boyfriend to go home with me and be in bed at 11:45 p.m. “making hot mon­key love” as the year turns to 2016. He said, “No way, and miss all the fun? I’m not fall­ing for that dodge.” What should I do? — Ner­vous About Mid­night, Fort Garry

Dear Ner­vous: The choice is to go with him and stake your claim on his lips at mid­night, or send him off alone to that party while you stay home and worry. Hmm. I think you’d best go with him and nail down his kissy lips for five min­utes at mid­night. If he in­sists on kiss­ing an­other woman or two, pick the sec­ond and third best guys for you, for a lit­tle peck of your own. Be­yond that, make a fuss. Enough is enough.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a great boyfriend: he takes me every­where, is great in bed, likes my mom and dad and wants to have kids one day. Per­fect!

Un­til the other day, I thought it was OK to have a girl­friend as well. I have a long­time best friend, and some­times we sleep to­gether and make out. Big deal. You can’t get preg­nant from it. It’s more about af­fec­tion and lov­ing each other than sex and ro­mance. We’re not ro­man­tic at all. I hap­pened to men­tion stay­ing at her place overnight and sleep­ing in the same bed “where she al­ways hogs the cov­ers.”

He got sus­pi­cious and asked what we do in bed be­sides sleep. I joked, “I prac­tise up for see­ing you!” He was not amused. In fact — and I can still hardly be­lieve this — he had tears in his eyes. Then he got in his truck, and gunned it down the road. The next day I fi­nally got through to him. He asked why I didn’t tell him I was bi­sex­ual. I said, “Be­cause I’m not. She’s not my lover, you are!”

How do I get it through his thick head that I love him and him only in the ro­man­tic way? But she and I have been best friends for so many years. We know each other’s lives, in de­tail. We started making out in ju­nior high to get prac­tice kiss­ing with boyfriends in the fu­ture, and it went from there. How can I get him to stop making such a big deal out of this? The last thing he said was, “And when will she be gone — never?” I just looked at him and said, “There’s no need to make me choose. She will have her own guy too, one day.”

I don’t understand why he’s so deeply up­set with me that he’s talk­ing about break­ing up un­less she’s gone. Please help! He’s my ideal man and she’s my clos­est friend. — All Messed Up, East Win­nipeg

Dear All Messed Up: First, it would be good to get clear about your sex­u­al­ity. You enjoy sex with both sexes, al­though it may just ex­tend to this one girl­friend in your whole life, but he isn’t OK with you be­ing with other peo­ple, even a woman. He may end it with you over this.

The next time you get to­gether with a po­ten­tial boyfriend, you need to tell him you oc­ca­sion­ally sleep with an old girl­friend. Lots of guys would find this idea tit­il­lat­ing, even if they’re never go­ing to be in­vited into the bed. That’s the kind of guy you need.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I overeat, es­pe­cially with a freezer full of bak­ing and stuff my mother — a fan­tas­tic cook — stocks in there. Our whole fam­ily — three girls and our mom — are all to­tally fat, not just “pleas­ingly plump,” as my mom says. Be­tween us we could make an­other per­son.

I de­cided I wanted to start dat­ing in­stead of pig­ging out and play­ing board games and stuff with my sis­ters. I went on a healthy diet and now I’m start­ing to have a body — a lit­tle ex­er­cise to tighten it up and I’m go­ing to look hot by Valen­tine’s Day.

So what do you think has hap­pened? The rest of the fam­ily started tempt­ing me by bak­ing brown­ies, deluxe na­chos, chocolate-chunk cook­ies — all my favourites — and lay­ing them out there be­side me on the play­ing ta­ble. Fi­nally I screamed, “Why do you want me to fail?” and they said, “We don’t, but why should we go with­out treats be­cause you want to be a skinny min­nie?” I feel like I have to move out now, like I’m not part of the Chub Club. Ei­ther I let them sab­o­tage me or I lose the close­ness. — Don’t Want Bad Temp­ta­tion, West End

Dear Don’t Want Temp­ta­tion: Two can play this game. Why don’t you try to con­vert one of your sis­ters and get her to start get­ting fit in the new year. Or your mother. Get your mom work­ing out with you and you’ve dis­abled the ma­jor baker. Get get her making some low-calo­rie sub­sti­tutes as treats. If they’re as tasty as the other stuff, you might be able get the whole gang in­ter­ested.

It’s not fun to be so over­weight you miss out on hav­ing a reg­u­lar so­cial and dat­ing life. You don’t have to be a skinny min­nie, but you do have to be rea­son­ably fit for dat­ing and for your gen­eral health.

As for mov­ing out, how old are you now? Most girls in the city move out when they’re in their early to mid-20s. You might con­sider it, not as a way to get rid of your sis­ters, but it may be time to ex­pand your friend­ships and avoid so much temp­ta­tion.

Please send your ques­tions and com­ments to love­coach@hot­ or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Win­nipeg Free Press, 1355 Moun­tain Ave., Win­nipeg,

MB, R2X 3B6


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