Crusty French bread no match for his bendy pretzel
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend used to be a gymnast, and I was never even a good dancer, just a spazz on two legs. We love each other’s minds and hearts, but now that I know her better, she wants to do all these crazy sex positions because she’s a natural contortionist. You should see how she can make a pretzel out of herself, and then she still wants it to end up as great sex. I can close my eyes at work and still see her in the strangest of positions.
And, here’s the worst thing: a lot of the time the final result isn’t sexy. I mean, I can always find the way to do the thing, but by then I’m kind of cringing inside and then it all goes flat, if you get my meaning.
What can you suggest for me to say about this to her? She is a very physical girl and I don’t want to discourage that part of her. — Dependable But Not Bendable, Windsor Park
Dear Dependable But Not Bendable: If she’s at all sensitive, she should know your manly bits are already speaking to her, saying, “This contortion stuff just isn’t doing it for me.” Maybe you could work on things so some of the foreplay includes contortions. But when you get into the final stage, she unwinds the pretzel enough to do things that are really hot for you.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m crazy about my boyfriend, but I hate his exotic-pet fetish. I just want a dog or a cat or a fish. He likes reptiles and thinks they’re “lovable and cute.” He’s nice otherwise, but I find this kind of creepy. I always take him to my place rather than sleeping over at his house.
Lately, he’s been choosing to go home to sleep after having sex with me because he says he wants to be good to his pets and he’s been neglecting them at feeding times. This makes me feel hurt because he dresses, hustles home and leaves me right away after making love. I should be more import- ant than lizards! What should I say to him?— Hating Those Slithery Things, Winnipeg
Dear Hating Those Slithery Things: At the beginning of most relationships people bend the rules and schedules for their lives — go to work on five hours’ sleep, slack off from exercising, neglect old friends and sometimes feed their pets eight hours late.
That stage is over now for your new man. He needs to get back to a normal life, and that includes feeding his reptilian things before they’re desperately hungry. After a couple’s infatuation stage (the first three to six months), couples go through disagreements and negotiations and see if they want to stay together or not. That’s just natural progress. So, have the fights and see if you can work things out, but don’t bother with those stages if you intend to demand he get rid of his dear pets, because then you’re not a match. No new boyfriend or girlfriend should come at the expense of getting rid of one’s pets and he won’t be impressed if you suggest it.
By the way, a fetish for reptiles isn’t the same thing as a fondness for reptiles — not by a slithery long shot.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is a sad excuse for what used to be a fine woman. She stays home, drinks, collects her fat monthly cheques from my dad and gambles with her rich friends. She used to be a well-educated, beautiful-looking lady with a wealthy husband, a big house and three kids, although my parents both drank too much, starting at 5 p.m. every day.
I am the youngest. My mother long ago went through the patience of her first two kids, who moved out of the province and rarely contact her now. I am “the only one who loves her,” as she tells me when she’s drunk. Honest to God, she needs to be hauled off to rehab, but as she points out, she’s not hurting anybody, and (boo-hoo) “What have I got to come home to?”
She says she’s comfortable in her house alone, but now I’m uncomfortable and turning into the parent. I go by her house every second day to make sure she hasn’t fallen over and died. She lives in the family home all alone — I sure don’t want to live there with her. I have my own place nearby and a wonderful girlfriend who worries about me and the burden known as M-O-M. I’m afraid she won’t marry me because of my mom, although I know she loves me. Please help! — Mom’s Caretaker, River Heights
Dear Caretaker: You need help for yourself first, and Al-Anon, the group for friends and family of alcoholics, is the place to go to help you understand why your mom is not your responsibility so you can start living your own life again. As for your mom’s safety, you could try to talk her into getting a service such as Victoria Lifeline where she could tap a button if she became ill or fell, and they would get the message and call you and other important numbers to get her medical aid. Then you wouldn’t be so stressed and feeling like you should be on constant mom patrol.