Crusty French bread no match for his bendy pret­zel

Winnipeg Free Press - Section E - - ARTS & LIFE - Please send your ques­tions and com­ments to love­coach@hot­ or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Win­nipeg Free Press, 1355 Moun­tain Ave. Win­nipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girl­friend used to be a gym­nast, and I was never even a good dancer, just a spazz on two legs. We love each other’s minds and hearts, but now that I know her bet­ter, she wants to do all th­ese crazy sex po­si­tions be­cause she’s a nat­u­ral con­tor­tion­ist. You should see how she can make a pret­zel out of her­self, and then she still wants it to end up as great sex. I can close my eyes at work and still see her in the strangest of po­si­tions.

And, here’s the worst thing: a lot of the time the fi­nal re­sult isn’t sexy. I mean, I can al­ways find the way to do the thing, but by then I’m kind of cring­ing in­side and then it all goes flat, if you get my mean­ing.

What can you sug­gest for me to say about this to her? She is a very phys­i­cal girl and I don’t want to dis­cour­age that part of her. — De­pend­able But Not Bend­able, Wind­sor Park

Dear De­pend­able But Not Bend­able: If she’s at all sen­si­tive, she should know your manly bits are al­ready speak­ing to her, say­ing, “This con­tor­tion stuff just isn’t do­ing it for me.” Maybe you could work on things so some of the fore­play in­cludes con­tor­tions. But when you get into the fi­nal stage, she un­winds the pret­zel enough to do things that are really hot for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m crazy about my boyfriend, but I hate his ex­otic-pet fetish. I just want a dog or a cat or a fish. He likes rep­tiles and thinks they’re “lov­able and cute.” He’s nice oth­er­wise, but I find this kind of creepy. I al­ways take him to my place rather than sleep­ing over at his house.

Lately, he’s been choos­ing to go home to sleep af­ter hav­ing sex with me be­cause he says he wants to be good to his pets and he’s been ne­glect­ing them at feed­ing times. This makes me feel hurt be­cause he dresses, hus­tles home and leaves me right away af­ter making love. I should be more im­port- ant than lizards! What should I say to him?— Hat­ing Those Slith­ery Things, Win­nipeg

Dear Hat­ing Those Slith­ery Things: At the be­gin­ning of most re­la­tion­ships peo­ple bend the rules and sched­ules for their lives — go to work on five hours’ sleep, slack off from ex­er­cis­ing, ne­glect old friends and some­times feed their pets eight hours late.

That stage is over now for your new man. He needs to get back to a nor­mal life, and that in­cludes feed­ing his rep­til­ian things be­fore they’re des­per­ately hun­gry. Af­ter a couple’s in­fat­u­a­tion stage (the first three to six months), cou­ples go through dis­agree­ments and ne­go­ti­a­tions and see if they want to stay to­gether or not. That’s just nat­u­ral progress. So, have the fights and see if you can work things out, but don’t bother with those stages if you in­tend to de­mand he get rid of his dear pets, be­cause then you’re not a match. No new boyfriend or girl­friend should come at the ex­pense of get­ting rid of one’s pets and he won’t be im­pressed if you sug­gest it.

By the way, a fetish for rep­tiles isn’t the same thing as a fond­ness for rep­tiles — not by a slith­ery long shot.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is a sad ex­cuse for what used to be a fine woman. She stays home, drinks, col­lects her fat monthly cheques from my dad and gam­bles with her rich friends. She used to be a well-ed­u­cated, beau­ti­ful-look­ing lady with a wealthy hus­band, a big house and three kids, al­though my par­ents both drank too much, start­ing at 5 p.m. ev­ery day.

I am the youngest. My mother long ago went through the pa­tience of her first two kids, who moved out of the prov­ince and rarely con­tact her now. I am “the only one who loves her,” as she tells me when she’s drunk. Hon­est to God, she needs to be hauled off to re­hab, but as she points out, she’s not hurt­ing any­body, and (boo-hoo) “What have I got to come home to?”

She says she’s com­fort­able in her house alone, but now I’m un­com­fort­able and turn­ing into the par­ent. I go by her house ev­ery sec­ond day to make sure she hasn’t fallen over and died. She lives in the fam­ily home all alone — I sure don’t want to live there with her. I have my own place nearby and a won­der­ful girl­friend who wor­ries about me and the bur­den known as M-O-M. I’m afraid she won’t marry me be­cause of my mom, al­though I know she loves me. Please help! — Mom’s Care­taker, River Heights

Dear Care­taker: You need help for your­self first, and Al-Anon, the group for friends and fam­ily of alcoholics, is the place to go to help you understand why your mom is not your re­spon­si­bil­ity so you can start liv­ing your own life again. As for your mom’s safety, you could try to talk her into get­ting a ser­vice such as Vic­to­ria Life­line where she could tap a but­ton if she be­came ill or fell, and they would get the mes­sage and call you and other im­por­tant num­bers to get her med­i­cal aid. Then you wouldn’t be so stressed and feel­ing like you should be on con­stant mom pa­trol.

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