Ride ki­netic en­ergy with some springs on swing

Winnipeg Free Press - Section E - - ARTS & LIFE -

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My younger sec­ond wife al­most broke my leg hav­ing sex in the swing the other night. She was a gym­nast for years and has an amaz­ing lit­tle body, so it’s not sur­pris­ing she’s into all kinds of ac­ro­bat­ics in the bed­room. I like her moves when she does them for me, but a few weeks ago she came home with a sex swing that we had in­stalled by her male buddy, to my em­bar­rass­ment. She got some scenes out of a book about it and we tried them — and it was ridicu­lous.

On top of that, I lost my abil­ity to main­tain what was needed for the sex end of things while try­ing to con­cen­trate on the swing ac­tion. Last night she wanted to try again. I was a sport about it. She had some crazy idea and we tried it and my leg got hurt. I don’t want any more of this. What hap­pened to good old-fash­ioned sex? Works for me. — Her Old Hus­band, Tuxedo

Dear Her Old Hus­band: Good old­fash­ioned sex went out the win­dow when you chose your sec­ond wife, the gym­nast. She wants phys­i­cal ad­ven­ture and va­ri­ety, and is de­ter­mined to take on the re­spon­si­bil­ity of in­tro­duc­ing you to ex­per­i­ments.

So did you two fol­low the in­struc­tions, or was your wife go­ing rogue when you got hurt? Be­ing older, take on the job of read­ing the safety in­struc­tions. Se­cure mount­ing is im­por­tant to avoid in­jury to the sus­pended part­ner from an un­ex­pected fall. You didn’t say what hap­pened to your leg ex­actly, but in­stalling springs (they may be sup­plied in the kit) re­duces phys­i­cal shock when bounc­ing in the swing.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Here comes what I call hor­ri­ble sea­son, my boyfriend’s favourite time of the year. He’s a camper. I hate blown-up mat­tresses and bit­ing my hands so the neigh­bours don’t hear through the thin tent walls. I would like to get a small trailer, but he’s a for­mer boy scout who grew up in the coun­try, and that would be city-boy stuff. I’m also deathly afraid of ticks and I at­tract lots of mos­qui­toes, the same ones that avoid him. I told him him yes­ter­day that half the sum­mer was for me and I’m only go­ing camp­ing with him ev­ery sec­ond week. He was crushed. “But I need you with me!” he whined, like a lit­tle kid.

Then he tried ev­ery method of co­erc­ing me he could think of. I re­mained firm af­ter last year’s ex­pe­ri­ences. He said, “I wish you’d told me ear­lier so I could have made some other plans.” I think he was hint­ing at find­ing an­other girl­friend. Maybe he should do that! What do you think? Can some­thing as dumb and unim­por­tant as camp­ing break up a cou­ple? Maybe we’re not re­ally in love if he wants to call in a re­place­ment camper babe. Be­fore I hit the roof and stay there, what do you think of this? — Hate Camp­ing, Mad at Him, St. Vi­tal

Dear Hate Camp­ing, Mad at Him: Let this sim­mer down for a week or two. At least go camp­ing once this sea­son. On a deeper note, you need to think hard if this is the man you want to marry, have ba­bies with and make a whole life. Love isn’t enough. You need to be com­pat­i­ble. If he is a ded­i­cated camper and this is go­ing to mean trou­ble ev­ery sum­mer, maybe he does need to find an out­doorsy camp­ing mate and you need to find a city boy who’s more like you and says “Ewww” to camp­ing. “Let’s get a ho­tel.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my hus­band dearly and he is won­der­ful in al­most ev­ery way. We are a mid­dleaged/older cou­ple who both work hum­ble jobs and have no chil­dren at home. Only one area brings me con­cern: he is an older man who feels that one of a woman’s roles is to be the pri­mary care­taker of the home. He is very well­re­spected by many, and per­haps feels he is above house­work.

While he does most of the out­side work, and oc­ca­sion­ally in­side the house, the im­bal­ance (in hours) be­tween his re­spon­si­bil­i­ties and mine seems to be un­fair. Many evenings, es­pe­cially dur­ing the win­ter, he lies on the couch, naps and watches TV for the whole evening. While his evenings are leisurely, mine are filled with cook­ing and house­work and pre­par­ing for the next day. If he was busy do­ing bona-fide work, in­side or out­side, at the same time, I wouldn’t mind, but it both­ers me when he does leisurely things for hours while I’m do­ing jobs that need to be done. Can two old dogs learn new tricks? — Sad Dog, Man­i­toba

Dear Sad Dog: First, demon­strate clearly there’s been a change in your life to­gether. Go out and get busier out­side the house at fun clubs or ac­tiv­i­ties at least two nights a week. Then cheer­fully ad­vise him that be­cause of the change, you are no longer able to carry the load of do­ing most of the house­work. Men like lists to make things con­crete, so write a list of what needs to be done at home for a sev­en­day pe­riod and your sug­ges­tions for di­vi­sion of labour.

A guy who is on the couch is a good can­di­date for tak­ing on the laun­dry two nights a week, in­clud­ing chang­ing the bed­ding. He can also un­load the dish­washer, put dishes away and take out the garbage in the morn­ing. He could also be re­spon­si­ble for two meals a week, whether they are recipes he makes or take­out from a restau­rant. It’s a cou­ple of meals you don’t have to worry about on the evenings you are out and busy with your new ac­tiv­i­ties. Please send your ques­tions and com­ments to love­coach@hot­mail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Win­nipeg Free Press, 1355 Moun­tain Ave., Win­nipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

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