Ride kinetic energy with some springs on swing
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My younger second wife almost broke my leg having sex in the swing the other night. She was a gymnast for years and has an amazing little body, so it’s not surprising she’s into all kinds of acrobatics in the bedroom. I like her moves when she does them for me, but a few weeks ago she came home with a sex swing that we had installed by her male buddy, to my embarrassment. She got some scenes out of a book about it and we tried them — and it was ridiculous.
On top of that, I lost my ability to maintain what was needed for the sex end of things while trying to concentrate on the swing action. Last night she wanted to try again. I was a sport about it. She had some crazy idea and we tried it and my leg got hurt. I don’t want any more of this. What happened to good old-fashioned sex? Works for me. — Her Old Husband, Tuxedo
Dear Her Old Husband: Good oldfashioned sex went out the window when you chose your second wife, the gymnast. She wants physical adventure and variety, and is determined to take on the responsibility of introducing you to experiments.
So did you two follow the instructions, or was your wife going rogue when you got hurt? Being older, take on the job of reading the safety instructions. Secure mounting is important to avoid injury to the suspended partner from an unexpected fall. You didn’t say what happened to your leg exactly, but installing springs (they may be supplied in the kit) reduces physical shock when bouncing in the swing.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Here comes what I call horrible season, my boyfriend’s favourite time of the year. He’s a camper. I hate blown-up mattresses and biting my hands so the neighbours don’t hear through the thin tent walls. I would like to get a small trailer, but he’s a former boy scout who grew up in the country, and that would be city-boy stuff. I’m also deathly afraid of ticks and I attract lots of mosquitoes, the same ones that avoid him. I told him him yesterday that half the summer was for me and I’m only going camping with him every second week. He was crushed. “But I need you with me!” he whined, like a little kid.
Then he tried every method of coercing me he could think of. I remained firm after last year’s experiences. He said, “I wish you’d told me earlier so I could have made some other plans.” I think he was hinting at finding another girlfriend. Maybe he should do that! What do you think? Can something as dumb and unimportant as camping break up a couple? Maybe we’re not really in love if he wants to call in a replacement camper babe. Before I hit the roof and stay there, what do you think of this? — Hate Camping, Mad at Him, St. Vital
Dear Hate Camping, Mad at Him: Let this simmer down for a week or two. At least go camping once this season. On a deeper note, you need to think hard if this is the man you want to marry, have babies with and make a whole life. Love isn’t enough. You need to be compatible. If he is a dedicated camper and this is going to mean trouble every summer, maybe he does need to find an outdoorsy camping mate and you need to find a city boy who’s more like you and says “Ewww” to camping. “Let’s get a hotel.”
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my husband dearly and he is wonderful in almost every way. We are a middleaged/older couple who both work humble jobs and have no children at home. Only one area brings me concern: he is an older man who feels that one of a woman’s roles is to be the primary caretaker of the home. He is very wellrespected by many, and perhaps feels he is above housework.
While he does most of the outside work, and occasionally inside the house, the imbalance (in hours) between his responsibilities and mine seems to be unfair. Many evenings, especially during the winter, he lies on the couch, naps and watches TV for the whole evening. While his evenings are leisurely, mine are filled with cooking and housework and preparing for the next day. If he was busy doing bona-fide work, inside or outside, at the same time, I wouldn’t mind, but it bothers me when he does leisurely things for hours while I’m doing jobs that need to be done. Can two old dogs learn new tricks? — Sad Dog, Manitoba
Dear Sad Dog: First, demonstrate clearly there’s been a change in your life together. Go out and get busier outside the house at fun clubs or activities at least two nights a week. Then cheerfully advise him that because of the change, you are no longer able to carry the load of doing most of the housework. Men like lists to make things concrete, so write a list of what needs to be done at home for a sevenday period and your suggestions for division of labour.
A guy who is on the couch is a good candidate for taking on the laundry two nights a week, including changing the bedding. He can also unload the dishwasher, put dishes away and take out the garbage in the morning. He could also be responsible for two meals a week, whether they are recipes he makes or takeout from a restaurant. It’s a couple of meals you don’t have to worry about on the evenings you are out and busy with your new activities. Please send your questions and comments to firstname.lastname@example.org or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6