Tell The Barracuda what her hubby said
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My ex-husband came to my door after I expressly asked him never to come near me, or my house, again. He is already married to a tough chick I call The Barracuda. He said he just came to tell me he still loved me and then he whined, “Baby, you know it was always so good with us.” The “it” meant sex. I picked up the newspaper on the doorstep and whacked him with it as hard as I could across the head and said, “Get out of here, you “/$%*!.” He said: “You hit me! That’s assault, and I can call the cops on you.” Of course he hasn’t, but he keeps phoning and crying for me to come back, the big baby. I don’t know who to appeal to for help to get him to stop harassing me. I can’t go to the cops and stir up a hornet’s nest against myself for assault. — Totally Sick of Harassment, Downtown
Dear Sick of Harassment: Make contact with the person you may have thought of as your greatest enemy and quickly end the triangle he has tried to create. Appeal to The Barracuda. Phone her when he won’t be home and tell her exactly what he said at your door, to the word. Don’t embellish it, or he can call you a liar more believably. Tell her you don’t want him back, ever, and ask her to please keep him away. As for your own behaviour, striking someone is just plain stupid because it is illegal. Use well-chosen words instead, directed to the right person — the one with the sharp teeth.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My coworker is always late when we meet after work for drinks. Last Friday she left me sitting there for 25 minutes and I finally left. She phoned me irate, and said she got tied up in traffic — a lie because we travel the same route from work and there’s no traffic. I know what she’s doing anyhow. She’s sitting in her car in the parking lot at work, spending 20 minutes sexting with her boyfriend who is at home just getting out of bed (he works nights and gets up at 5 p.m.) So, I accused her of that, and she denied it. I know it’s true, because he told me when he was drinking at a golf get-together that’s what she does. Now, she barely talks to me at work, but why should I apologize to her? — Tense at Work, Ft. Garry
Deat Tense: “Sorry about the fight the other day” is a mild, meaningless apology that can work wonders in the workplace. You aren’t saying you’re sorry for anything you said, or even backing down from the sexting accusation. But, you’re truly sorry there’s been a fight. Then give her your thousand-watt smile, stick out your hand and say, “Friends again?” She’s 95 per cent likely to shake it because she knows she’s in the wrong. Next time you go for drinks, tell her you have things to do first, but you’ll meet her there at your favourite spot at 5:30 p.m.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 19 and wear a padded bra. My new boyfriend has no idea. It is not just a light foam shell, but has major league padding. I am actually almost flat. For that reason, I have not undressed with him fully yet, and he finally asked me what I was hiding. I lied and said “a scar from sports” and he said, “I think scars are signs you’ve had an interesting life.” If I disrobe, he’s going to find out I lied about the scar and I’m just flat. Need your advice quickly! — Pressure’s On, Brandon Mb.
Dear Pressure: Next time you see him, wear a bra that fits you, with the flimsiest bit of padding. Say to him, “There’s something you need to know. The reason I’m shy to tàke my bra off isn’t because I have a scar, but because I have a small build. Tonight I’m not wearing the industrial strength pushup bra and this is more the natural way I look. If you were in this for the big bosom, I’m not your girl.” He will probably laugh and say he already guessed because the bra cups were so hard and he couldn’t care less, because he’s crazy about you.
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