Tell The Bar­racuda what her hubby said

Winnipeg Free Press - Section G - - ARTS & LIFE - MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

DEAR MISS LONE­LY­HEARTS: My ex-hus­band came to my door af­ter I ex­pressly asked him never to come near me, or my house, again. He is al­ready mar­ried to a tough chick I call The Bar­racuda. He said he just came to tell me he still loved me and then he whined, “Baby, you know it was al­ways so good with us.” The “it” meant sex. I picked up the news­pa­per on the doorstep and whacked him with it as hard as I could across the head and said, “Get out of here, you “/$%*!.” He said: “You hit me! That’s as­sault, and I can call the cops on you.” Of course he hasn’t, but he keeps phon­ing and cry­ing for me to come back, the big baby. I don’t know who to ap­peal to for help to get him to stop ha­rass­ing me. I can’t go to the cops and stir up a hor­net’s nest against my­self for as­sault. — To­tally Sick of Ha­rass­ment, Down­town

Dear Sick of Ha­rass­ment: Make con­tact with the per­son you may have thought of as your great­est en­emy and quickly end the tri­an­gle he has tried to create. Ap­peal to The Bar­racuda. Phone her when he won’t be home and tell her ex­actly what he said at your door, to the word. Don’t em­bel­lish it, or he can call you a liar more be­liev­ably. Tell her you don’t want him back, ever, and ask her to please keep him away. As for your own be­hav­iour, striking some­one is just plain stupid be­cause it is il­le­gal. Use well-cho­sen words in­stead, di­rected to the right per­son — the one with the sharp teeth.

Dear Miss Lone­ly­hearts: My co­worker is al­ways late when we meet af­ter work for drinks. Last Fri­day she left me sit­ting there for 25 min­utes and I fi­nally left. She phoned me irate, and said she got tied up in traf­fic — a lie be­cause we travel the same route from work and there’s no traf­fic. I know what she’s do­ing any­how. She’s sit­ting in her car in the park­ing lot at work, spend­ing 20 min­utes sex­ting with her boyfriend who is at home just get­ting out of bed (he works nights and gets up at 5 p.m.) So, I ac­cused her of that, and she de­nied it. I know it’s true, be­cause he told me when he was drink­ing at a golf get-to­gether that’s what she does. Now, she barely talks to me at work, but why should I apol­o­gize to her? — Tense at Work, Ft. Garry

Deat Tense: “Sorry about the fight the other day” is a mild, mean­ing­less apol­ogy that can work won­ders in the work­place. You aren’t say­ing you’re sorry for anything you said, or even backing down from the sex­ting ac­cu­sa­tion. But, you’re truly sorry there’s been a fight. Then give her your thou­sand-watt smile, stick out your hand and say, “Friends again?” She’s 95 per cent likely to shake it be­cause she knows she’s in the wrong. Next time you go for drinks, tell her you have things to do first, but you’ll meet her there at your favourite spot at 5:30 p.m.

Dear Miss Lone­ly­hearts: I’m 19 and wear a padded bra. My new boyfriend has no idea. It is not just a light foam shell, but has ma­jor league pad­ding. I am ac­tu­ally al­most flat. For that rea­son, I have not un­dressed with him fully yet, and he fi­nally asked me what I was hid­ing. I lied and said “a scar from sports” and he said, “I think scars are signs you’ve had an in­ter­est­ing life.” If I dis­robe, he’s go­ing to find out I lied about the scar and I’m just flat. Need your ad­vice quickly! — Pres­sure’s On, Bran­don Mb.

Dear Pres­sure: Next time you see him, wear a bra that fits you, with the flim­si­est bit of pad­ding. Say to him, “There’s some­thing you need to know. The rea­son I’m shy to tàke my bra off isn’t be­cause I have a scar, but be­cause I have a small build. Tonight I’m not wear­ing the in­dus­trial strength pushup bra and this is more the nat­u­ral way I look. If you were in this for the big bo­som, I’m not your girl.” He will prob­a­bly laugh and say he al­ready guessed be­cause the bra cups were so hard and he couldn’t care less, be­cause he’s crazy about you.

Please email your prob­lems for Miss Lone­ly­hearts to love­coach@hot­mail. com or send let­ters to 1355 Moun­tain

Ave. R2X 3B6

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