Re­assess re­la­tion­ship af­ter ‘hol­i­day’

Winnipeg Free Press - Section G - - ENTERTAINMENT - MAUREEN SCURFIELD

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I went on a “hol­i­day’ with my boyfriend of six months — a worka­holic doc­tor — and found out he’s un­bear­able when he’s not oc­cu­pied with work­ing. He was ag­i­tated, ner­vous, and sure he was miss­ing some­thing back at the hospi­tal in Win­nipeg. He kept want­ing to phone home. Then he wanted sex all the time to ease his ner­vous­ness and I got sick of that. It wasn’t ro­man­tic, not about me at all. When he ran out of stuff to read at the pool, he took up watch­ing women and com­ment­ing on their bod­ies. As if I was one of his old bud­dies! I said, “What am I to you — a non-en­tity with­out any feel­ings? I am not your best male buddy on a hol­i­day with you.” He laughed a strange laugh and mut­tered some­thing like, “Too bad you weren’t.” I couldn’t wait for the two weeks to end and to get home. Now that he’s back home at work, he’s at ease again — like a drug­gie who fi­nally got his fix. In fact, he’s mor­phed back into his old self — busy, but pleas­ant. I don’t know whether I want to be with him, given what I ex­pe­ri­enced of his other per­son­al­ity on hol­i­day. What do you think? — Girl­friend of Jekyll & Hyde

Dear GF of Hyde: A ner­vous worka­holic is bet­ter off tak­ing more hol­i­days, but shorter ones. Would that be OK with you? You might be able to work that out if he was OK with your tak­ing longer hol­i­days with your friends and fam­ily. But what about the dis­re­spect­ful way he was leer­ing at women in front of you? He’s cer­tainly not afraid of los­ing you, is he? Or, is he just ig­no­rant of how women feel? Not ev­ery doc­tor is Dr. Oz-like and “gets” the fe­male sex. Some are just skilled, and awk­ward. Do his cre­den­tials turn you on? For some old-fash­ioned women, a doc­tor hus­band is the ul­ti­mate catch. For sure, their grand­moth­ers’ gen­er­a­tion thought so. If this man had a lower sta­tus job, would you still be hang­ing in there with him af­ter this hol­i­day? Think hard about that one.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My fi­ancée has taken over my friends. They now like her bet­ter than me. We got into an ar­gu­ment at a big din­ner the other night over the Bombers and my friends to­tally sided with my girl­friend who says they suck. Where is their loy­alty? She is gor­geous and has a sexy ac­cent. Be­fore she came along, I was of­ten right in their com­pany. Now I’m a jerk, and she’s the queen. I’ll tell you some­thing that shocks me if I let my­self think about it. My best friend would like to have her to him­self! If we broke up for even a day, I think he’d go af­ter her. He’d prob­a­bly ask me first, be­cause he’s a reli­gious guy, but he’d do it. He’s said things like, “Wow, does she have a sis­ter?” I feel the group of them all like to jump on me and dis­credit me in front of her. I have no in­ten­tions of giv­ing her up, but I don’t know what to say to my so-called friends. — Odd Man Out, St. James

Dear Odd: You might want to call them on it — at least your “best friend’ who’s ob­vi­ously drool­ing, and mak­ing you crazy. Say to him when you’re alone next. “I get the feel­ing you’d like to date my girl­friend your­self. Am I right?” Then count the beats it takes him to for­mu­late an an­swer. The longer it takes him to re­ply, the like­lier you are right. Tell him as­sertively. “She’s my lady and I ex­pect you to back off and re­mem­ber that.” That might sober him up. Right now he’s in­tox­i­cated with fan­tasies about her and be try­ing to make you look like less of a prize — with backup from the rest of the goofs who have crushes on her.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a men­tor of eight years who has helped me along in the busi­ness world. Now I’m about to take a big step and won’t need my men­tor any more and he’s sud­denly be­gin­ning to back­track on things he pre­vi­ously preached to me about my need to “take risks to ex­pand.” This move would mean I’d be on the road and not around Win­nipeg very much. In the be­gin­ning we used to meet a cou­ple times a week as he guided me to­wards suc­cess in my busi­ness. How do you let a men­tor down gen­tly? — Feel­ing Guilty, Fort Garry

Dear Feel­ing Guilty: It’s just like hav­ing kids — you raise them to leave you. That’s what a men­tor needs to do and this men­tor has done the right thing up to now. The fact that you’re get­ting “change back” mes­sages re­cently, is only part of the nat­u­ral break­ing-away ex­pe­ri­ence. If you have it out, do it gen­tly. Try to think how you’d speak to a par­ent as you’re leav­ing home. You know they will miss you ter­ri­bly while you are fly­ing off, look­ing ahead and not miss­ing them. Ad­dress the sep­a­ra­tion anx­i­ety, and as­sure your men­tor you’ll be back with big­ger ques­tions one day soon, and want to main­tain the friend­ship. That will set­tle things down a bit right now. If it doesn’t, then “I need to ex­per­i­ment on my own now,” is a mes­sage you might have to give him as nicely as pos­si­ble.

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