You’ll need coun­selling if you want to change

Winnipeg Free Press - Section G - - ENTERTAINMENT - MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

DEAR MISS LONE­LY­HEARTS: I’ve been dat­ing on­line for three years. Some­times I think I’d be hap­pier re­la­tion­shipjump­ing than com­mit­ting to any one in­di­vid­ual. Although I think I want long-term, I don’t know if I really be­lieve in true love — or at least not one that lasts for­ever. Maybe it’s a guy thing or an age thing but I was won­der­ing if, in your years of an­swer­ing ques­tions, you have got­ten a sense on that big ques­tion. — Com­mit­ment Pho­bic? Os­borne Vil­lage

Dear Pho­bic: The Don Juan com­plex refers to peo­ple who are ad­dicted to the in­fat­u­a­tion stage of a re­la­tion­ship, where you don’t know much about your new part­ner, so he or she seems per­fect. Ev­ery­thing is in high gear — sex, af­fec­tion, ad­mi­ra­tion, un­cer­tainty. You feel ex­cited and lucky to see the per­son again. That makes for a fiery ex­pe­ri­ence. But then, when life in­trudes and things start to be re­vealed that are less than per­fect — and you’re now able to see the per­son as much as you want, and you sense there is no com­pe­ti­tion — it’s less ex­cit­ing. Does this sound like you? If it does, and you want to change this way of think­ing, you need to see a psy­chol­o­gist. If you don’t want to change, and you love the adrenalin highs, you’ll likely re­main a re­la­tion­ship-jumper. As to whether true love ex­ists, it cer­tainly does, but not for peo­ple who crave the be­gin­ning of a re­la­tion­ship and find the rest a bore.

Dear Miss Lone­ly­hearts: I’m really shocked to find out my girl­friend of 18 months has a shady past. Although it was a long time ago, she went to jail for em­bez­zling. I am al­ready hooked on her emo­tion­ally and sex­u­ally. She didn’t re­veal this to me; some­one else had to tell me. I con­tacted her im­me­di­ately and then she told me her story. I had been won­der­ing why she was averse to travel, and now she tells me she’s afraid of be­ing turned back at bor­ders be­cause of her past. When I asked her why she did it, she said she was an­gry at the com­pany that used and abused her and paid her next to noth­ing for all her ex­tra work she did for them. When I asked her why she didn’t look for a bet­ter-paying job and quit, she just shrugged and said, “I was young and stupid, and thought I had turned it into a bet­ter-paying job.” Then she said, very se­ri­ously, “I learned my les­son.” She swears she has never been in trou­ble since. Still, I worry. I have a lot of money and her last boyfriend had a lot of money. Is this a theme in her life? Go where the money is? She likes nice things and she has an apart­ment with fur­ni­ture that would knock your eyes out. Her job doesn’t lend it­self to that kind of money. I won­der if her pre­vi­ous boyfriend paid for it, and in my dark­est thoughts, I won­der if she was a kept woman, or worse. Am I over­re­act­ing? If I ask her, “Where did you get the fur­ni­ture on your salary?” she will think I am point­ing the fin­ger. Maybe she worked hard for it and got it le­git­i­mately, but she lies by omis­sion, so how would I ever know? Should I stay or go? — Down­town Ac­coun­tant, Win­nipeg

Dear Down­town: As an ac­coun­tant, you would be more sen­si­tive to this kind of crime, and suf­fer more if any­thing hap­pened in your per­sonal life to con­nect you to fi­nan­cial dis­hon­esty. Clearly, this is not the right girl­friend for you. Plus doubt has crept in about ev­ery­thing else she has told or not told you. It’s also em­bar­rass­ing when some­one else tells you this kind of thing and watches your face fall. No one can blame you for not know­ing. This is not some­thing you would ever think to ask about. When peo­ple get to a cer­tain age, they all have a past and bag­gage, and some of it they may not be proud of. But this kind of past is sim­ply the type you can’t af­ford to have as part of your life — your ca­reer and your own money and prop­erty could be in jeop­ardy.

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