You’ll need counselling if you want to change
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been dating online for three years. Sometimes I think I’d be happier relationshipjumping than committing to any one individual. Although I think I want long-term, I don’t know if I really believe in true love — or at least not one that lasts forever. Maybe it’s a guy thing or an age thing but I was wondering if, in your years of answering questions, you have gotten a sense on that big question. — Commitment Phobic? Osborne Village
Dear Phobic: The Don Juan complex refers to people who are addicted to the infatuation stage of a relationship, where you don’t know much about your new partner, so he or she seems perfect. Everything is in high gear — sex, affection, admiration, uncertainty. You feel excited and lucky to see the person again. That makes for a fiery experience. But then, when life intrudes and things start to be revealed that are less than perfect — and you’re now able to see the person as much as you want, and you sense there is no competition — it’s less exciting. Does this sound like you? If it does, and you want to change this way of thinking, you need to see a psychologist. If you don’t want to change, and you love the adrenalin highs, you’ll likely remain a relationship-jumper. As to whether true love exists, it certainly does, but not for people who crave the beginning of a relationship and find the rest a bore.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m really shocked to find out my girlfriend of 18 months has a shady past. Although it was a long time ago, she went to jail for embezzling. I am already hooked on her emotionally and sexually. She didn’t reveal this to me; someone else had to tell me. I contacted her immediately and then she told me her story. I had been wondering why she was averse to travel, and now she tells me she’s afraid of being turned back at borders because of her past. When I asked her why she did it, she said she was angry at the company that used and abused her and paid her next to nothing for all her extra work she did for them. When I asked her why she didn’t look for a better-paying job and quit, she just shrugged and said, “I was young and stupid, and thought I had turned it into a better-paying job.” Then she said, very seriously, “I learned my lesson.” She swears she has never been in trouble since. Still, I worry. I have a lot of money and her last boyfriend had a lot of money. Is this a theme in her life? Go where the money is? She likes nice things and she has an apartment with furniture that would knock your eyes out. Her job doesn’t lend itself to that kind of money. I wonder if her previous boyfriend paid for it, and in my darkest thoughts, I wonder if she was a kept woman, or worse. Am I overreacting? If I ask her, “Where did you get the furniture on your salary?” she will think I am pointing the finger. Maybe she worked hard for it and got it legitimately, but she lies by omission, so how would I ever know? Should I stay or go? — Downtown Accountant, Winnipeg
Dear Downtown: As an accountant, you would be more sensitive to this kind of crime, and suffer more if anything happened in your personal life to connect you to financial dishonesty. Clearly, this is not the right girlfriend for you. Plus doubt has crept in about everything else she has told or not told you. It’s also embarrassing when someone else tells you this kind of thing and watches your face fall. No one can blame you for not knowing. This is not something you would ever think to ask about. When people get to a certain age, they all have a past and baggage, and some of it they may not be proud of. But this kind of past is simply the type you can’t afford to have as part of your life — your career and your own money and property could be in jeopardy.