He may be a father but he sure ain’t a dad
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I wrote you recently about my dad being a young father and how he has a new wife and kids, but has forgotten about me — his first child. Well, I took your advice. I gave him a call, told him I missed him very much and asked to go out for lunch. We were supposed to go last weekend but Saturday night he texted me saying he was “sick” and couldn’t do lunch, so we rescheduled for the next weekend. I waited around all weekend — no text or call. I’m very hurt and upset that a father could do this to his own child! I really wanted a relationship with my dad, but now it seems like he doesn’t care for me at all. I’m just getting sick of his choosing his new family over me. He was MY dad first. Don’t I get to decide if I want to share him ? I may sound selfish, but that’s just how I feel. Should I just forget about my deadbeat dad, or should I keep trying ? Please help me! — Hurt Daughter, Winnipeg
Dear Hurt: I think it’s time now to look for a substitute dad. You have tried everything you could try, and this man, who is unworthy of the name Dad, has not responded. Do you have an uncle or grandfather who would appreciate the love and attention you have tried to show your deadbeat dad? “Dad” is a role. Your dad is not fulfilling that role with you. Therefore he is a bio-dad, but not a real, participating father. He’s no longer deserving of your trying to engage him. It’s time you started slowly and casually looking at a replacement in someone else, or just letting it be. Frankly, he’s being a jerk and it makes me angry, as an adult and mom, that this has happened. My deepest apologies from the good parents of the world. One thing you can do for a happy future? Make sure you marry a solid family guy who will be a great husband to you and father to your children one day. Note: He does not have to be older than you, just mature for his years, steady and loving.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I hate what I have become. I used to be a trusting, loving, happy-go-lucky guy who happened to be gay. Then along came my nemesis — a lying, cheating heartbreaker who pretended to be like me but was actually a scorpion underneath. After he was through with my heart, it was full of holes. Now I have become a suspicious, unloving, uptight man always looking out for No. 1. I don’t get hurt anymore, but I don’t fall in love anymore. I have lots of money, a house, a cottage and my choice of partners if I want one. But I am deeply unhappy. What can I do? Where should I go? I don’t want to be lonely like this anymore. — No Love In My Good Life, Osborne Village
Dear No Love: The scorpion not only stung you and wounded you badly while he was with you, he continues being part of your brain, through negative thoughts and beliefs. You need reprogramming back to the guy you were before. You will never be as trusting, and that’s good, to an extent. But you can get back to giving new people the benefit of the doubt while proceeding slowly to know the character under their personality. What you need is the best psychologist you can find who is gay or gay-friendly and understands the whole scene here. Cancel your casual sex/love life for a month and go intensively for sessions and then gradually start seeing people again, while still having the shrink as your coach. You have memory of what it was like to be the man you enjoyed being before this trauma. You can get back to it.