You’ve spoiled her, but don’t get used
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have been living with someone for about a year, and for the most part, it’s been great, but it’s starting to feel like she is enjoying herself at my expense. I do most of the housework and all of the yard work. But because I know she’s been in these awful relationships before me, with guys who did nothing for her, I just wanted her to know what it felt like to be looked after and spoiled a little. But now it feels like she is taking advantage of it, and when I try to bring it up, she gets this look of hurt and I go right back to doing everything so she can feel loved. What can I do without hurting her feelings or without her thinking I don’t care for her? —Annoyed and Exhausted, E.K.
Dear Annoyed: Tell her exactly what you told me. Your intentions were good but now you have grown annoyed and exhausted and feel used. Do add you enjoyed spoiling her at first, but it can’t go on and on. Say that you’re sorry if you misled her somewhat, but you are not really a willing forever house servant and would now like a 50/50 deal. What’s going on now is wearing down the good feelings in the relationship and she needs to know that.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in response to “Feeling Guilty, St. James.” While reading this submission, I almost felt as though it was me who sent it in, the difference being my ex isn’t on her deathbed. I was married to an abusive woman for five years. She was belittling, unappreciative, demanding and narcissistic. Even to this day, I’m sure she will say she was a perfect wife and treated me wonderfully. This man does not owe his ex-wife anything, least of all forgiveness. My opinion would be to tell his friends to mind their own business — they weren’t married to the shrew and were not abused by her. — In the Same Boat, SE Winnipeg
Dear Same Boat: Thanks for writing in and showing support for this person who doesn’t want to visit an abusive spouse on her deathbed. Many people don’t want to see their abuser again, dead or alive, and forgiveness is not in the cards just because they are unwell.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When I first start having sex with a guy, I never get my cookies. He gets his all right, but it takes a little exploration to find the way to the little button in my brain that goes haywire with pleasure. After I’ve faked it a few times, it seems a little late to bring up the fact he hasn’t done the trick. I hate teaching a guy what to do. I’m afraid if I act like he couldn’t take me to heaven the first time, there won’t be a second and third time. Please advise. — Not Hitting the Sexual Heights, Wolseley
Dear Not Hitting: Tell him that the initial fact of having new sex with him got you there initially, but now that novelty has dissipated and you need more stimulation in the right spots to get to the point where you are ready for blastoff. This is a co-operative effort, so show him what you mean about where and when by gently moving his hand or showing him through murmurs and such when he is getting to the right spots. Make it fun! Trade tips back and forth and find out what you can do to please him more, too.