You’ve spoiled her, but don’t get used

Winnipeg Free Press - Section G - - ENTERTAINMENT - MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have been liv­ing with some­one for about a year, and for the most part, it’s been great, but it’s start­ing to feel like she is en­joy­ing her­self at my ex­pense. I do most of the house­work and all of the yard work. But be­cause I know she’s been in th­ese aw­ful re­la­tion­ships be­fore me, with guys who did noth­ing for her, I just wanted her to know what it felt like to be looked af­ter and spoiled a lit­tle. But now it feels like she is tak­ing ad­van­tage of it, and when I try to bring it up, she gets this look of hurt and I go right back to do­ing ev­ery­thing so she can feel loved. What can I do with­out hurt­ing her feel­ings or with­out her think­ing I don’t care for her? —An­noyed and Ex­hausted, E.K.

Dear An­noyed: Tell her ex­actly what you told me. Your in­ten­tions were good but now you have grown an­noyed and ex­hausted and feel used. Do add you en­joyed spoil­ing her at first, but it can’t go on and on. Say that you’re sorry if you mis­led her some­what, but you are not re­ally a will­ing for­ever house ser­vant and would now like a 50/50 deal. What’s go­ing on now is wear­ing down the good feel­ings in the re­la­tion­ship and she needs to know that.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in re­sponse to “Feel­ing Guilty, St. James.” While read­ing this sub­mis­sion, I al­most felt as though it was me who sent it in, the dif­fer­ence be­ing my ex isn’t on her deathbed. I was mar­ried to an abu­sive woman for five years. She was be­lit­tling, un­ap­pre­cia­tive, de­mand­ing and nar­cis­sis­tic. Even to this day, I’m sure she will say she was a per­fect wife and treated me won­der­fully. This man does not owe his ex-wife any­thing, least of all for­give­ness. My opin­ion would be to tell his friends to mind their own busi­ness — they weren’t mar­ried to the shrew and were not abused by her. — In the Same Boat, SE Win­nipeg

Dear Same Boat: Thanks for writ­ing in and show­ing sup­port for this per­son who doesn’t want to visit an abu­sive spouse on her deathbed. Many peo­ple don’t want to see their abuser again, dead or alive, and for­give­ness is not in the cards just be­cause they are un­well.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When I first start hav­ing sex with a guy, I never get my cook­ies. He gets his all right, but it takes a lit­tle ex­plo­ration to find the way to the lit­tle but­ton in my brain that goes hay­wire with plea­sure. Af­ter I’ve faked it a few times, it seems a lit­tle late to bring up the fact he hasn’t done the trick. I hate teach­ing a guy what to do. I’m afraid if I act like he couldn’t take me to heaven the first time, there won’t be a sec­ond and third time. Please ad­vise. — Not Hit­ting the Sex­ual Heights, Wolse­ley

Dear Not Hit­ting: Tell him that the ini­tial fact of hav­ing new sex with him got you there ini­tially, but now that nov­elty has dis­si­pated and you need more stim­u­la­tion in the right spots to get to the point where you are ready for blastoff. This is a co-op­er­a­tive ef­fort, so show him what you mean about where and when by gen­tly mov­ing his hand or show­ing him through mur­murs and such when he is get­ting to the right spots. Make it fun! Trade tips back and forth and find out what you can do to please him more, too.

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