Cheater not just mak­ing ‘friends’ on dat­ing sites

Winnipeg Free Press - Section G - - ENTERTAINMENT - MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This is in re­sponse to the en­gaged woman who found out about her boyfriend’s se­cret online mes­sages with women. I un­der­stand what she’s go­ing through — wish­ing she’d never found out be­cause she re­ally doesn’t want the re­la­tion­ship to end. When I first found out my ex was still com­mu­ni­cat­ing on dat­ing web­sites, he claimed they were just friend­ships he’d made over the years. I pointed out it’s a “dat­ing” site not a “friends” site. Some friends of mine sent him mes­sages online as women. He fell hook, line and sinker for it. When I con­fronted him, he didn’t have time to get his story to­gether, so he called me “in­se­cure.” Peo­ple like this are a fa­cade with no con­science, and have mas­tered the talk, so as hard as it is, we have to only pay at­ten­tion to their ac­tions be­cause that’s their only truth. This woman de­serves bet­ter and will only find it once she is out of her cur­rent re­la­tion­ship. She prob­a­bly knows in her gut she has to leave him. For me, now, even stormy days are fol­lowed by sun­shine and I’m now with some­one who is ev­ery­thing the “talker” was not and it feels won­der­ful! — Hope Lies Ahead, Winnipeg Dear Hope: Some­times the only thing you can do with a per­son who may be be­tray­ing you is to fake an online pres­ence and trap them in their lies. While it might feel be­neath one’s dig­nity, it’s nec­es­sary for those who need 100 per cent “caught ya!” proof. There’s also a strong ar­gu­ment to be made for punt­ing some­one you sus­pect be­fore you have to go that far. Thanks for tak­ing the time to send this mes­sage. It is im­por­tant for some­one in a dif­fi­cult sit­u­a­tion to hear from peo­ple who have ex­pe­ri­enced the same set of prob­lems and have freed them­selves. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Af­ter 10 years, my re­la­tion­ship ended. The fa­ther of my son is ad­dicted to all kinds of pre­scrip­tion pills. He needs help, but doesn’t think he does. I love him and al­ways did. We are both 30. We have a young son who adores his fa­ther. They have a re­la­tion­ship no one can break. He had a fight with me and I asked him to leave so he did some­thing bizarre while on drugs and got charged by po­lice with pub­lic mis­chief. Af­ter that he kept tex­ting me and telling me he was go­ing to sleep with dif­fer­ent women. I texted back “Have fun!” He cheated on me right af­ter we had our first kid. He got his cousin’s fi­ancée preg­nant at the same time as my sec­ond preg­nancy. I hope my ex can get help. I miss his old self be­fore the pre­scrip­tion pills turned him into a junkie. It’s sad how drugs ruin a per­son and fam­i­lies. I want him to get help or I will be pay­ing for a fu­neral and have a sad, lonely lit­tle boy whose fa­ther is his su­per­hero. I know I can’t change him, but all I can do is pray. — Sad & Con­fused, Winnipeg Dear Sad & Con­fused: You need help to get out of your ro­man­tic dream­ing about your ex and what he could be if he stopped us­ing drugs. Al­low your­self to see clearly. What­ever you do, don’t send that lit­tle boy out with his fa­ther alone, as the man is prob­a­bly ex­pe­ri­enc­ing a roller coaster of highs, lows and with­drawals. Su­per­vised vis­its would be the way to go if he gets the help he needs. For now, you both need to be away from this man, his drug use and bizarre be­hav­iour. This is the per­fect time to take care of your own emo­tional hang­over. Your physi­cian can re­fer you to a psy­chi­a­trist to help you give up on the dream and get over this ad­dict and cheater — psy­chi­a­trists are cov­ered by Medi­care. You should also call the Ad­dic­tions Foun­da­tion of Manitoba (204-9446200) and get con­nected to a group cre­ated for friends, fam­ily and loves of peo­ple ad­dicted to drugs. You were right to ask him to leave. Now take care of your­self to be the best sin­gle par­ent you can be for your boy. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I dis­like the word “boyfriend” be­cause it doesn’t sound very ma­ture or se­ri­ous. We’re not 14 and we live to­gether. I usu­ally say “part­ner,” but on many oc­ca­sions this has led peo­ple to as­sume I’m gay, which is fine, but un­true. I per­son­ally would rather spend money on a home or trav­el­ling than a wed­ding so I won’t be re­fer­ring to him as my fi­ancé or hus­band any­time soon. What are some ways you rec­om­mend I could re­fer to my sig­nif­i­cant other when talk­ing to other peo­ple? — Word­less, Winnipeg Dear Word­less: Sig­nif­i­cant other is a long, awk­ward phrase. “My guy” or “my man,” as they say in Europe, is short and sweet. “My part­ner” makes sense, too. So what if peo­ple have to guess which sex it is? “My boyfriend” is too im­ma­ture for older peo­ple and doesn’t en­com­pass the liv­ing to­gether com­mit­ment. “My lover” is too much in­for­ma­tion and sounds like an af­fair part­ner. It gets an amus­ing re­ac­tion, though. Maybe save that ex­pres­sion for cock­tail party in­tro­duc­tions. Please send your ques­tions or com­ments c/o love­coach@hot­ or mail let­ters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Moun­tain

Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

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