Dis­ap­point­ing search for love needs a big shove

Winnipeg Free Press - Section G - - LIFE - MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a gay male in my early 40s. I get­ting very tired try­ing to find love on In­ter­net dat­ing sites. It seem most gay males are not look­ing for a re­la­tion­ship, just a one night stand, or some­times their stan­dards are ac­tu­ally too high. I’m a good per­son with a child in my life, but my child doesn’t live with me. Maybe some gay guys don’t like to have a child in their lives — I don’t know. I try the bars, gyms, Rain­bow Re­source Cen­tre and other groups just to meet some­one, but I’ve had no luck. I’m a blue-col­lar worker and love in what I do. I have a hard time us­ing words like a pro­fes­sional some­times, but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I don’t make a high in­come like some other guys out there. Winnipeg does have a good amount of gay peo­ple, but some are mar­ried or have a girl­friend and are cheat­ing on them. I don’t want that. My ex-part­ner cheated on me and I know how it feels. I fear I’m go­ing to be sin­gle for the rest of my life! What can I do? I have so much love to give, but no one seems to want it. — Giv­ing Up On Love, Winnipeg Dear Giv­ing Up: Don’t give up. The best way to get to know a big group is to get into the vol­un­teer or or­ga­ni­za­tional as­pect of it. Then every­body gets to know you, and you get to know peo­ple as friends first. When you sim­ply show up and at­tend events here and there, you re­late to the lead­ers and vol­un­teers and hope to get to know oth­ers on a hit or miss ba­sis. You’re a use­ful blue-col­lar guy, so roll up your ca­pa­ble sleeves and get to work within some groups you find in­ter­est­ing. Ask about how you can get in­volved in char­i­ta­ble ef­forts at­tached to the Rain­bow Re­source Cen­tre and Club 200. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I read with in­ter­est the re­ply you pub­lished about Stuck ad­dressed to the fam­ily doc­tor re­gard­ing an asex­ual per­son you thought needed psy­chi­atric coun­selling. The doc­tor main­tained the per­son did not need a psy­chi­a­trist or a psy­chol­o­gist and I agree, but nei­ther of you sug­gested the cheap­est and pill-free pre­scrip­tion of all: ex­er­cise. Anx­i­ety, stress and low self es­teem, can be helped in spades by go­ing for a long walk, jog­ging, join­ing a gym, etc. The re­sults are feel­ing and look­ing bet­ter, and also meet­ing peo­ple who do not judge you, as you might find they may have had some of the same prob­lems. I used to work in a very stress­ful job I loved. To unwind and re­lieve the stress, I started run­ning, joined a gym and have never taken any med­i­ca­tion. I am now into my 70s and still work out, walk lots, have a won­der­ful so­cial life, do not feel my age and I am told do not look my age. No pills, no psy­chi­a­trists, no psy­chol­o­gists and very rarely a doc­tor. — Feel­ing Great, Winnipeg Dear Feel­ing Great: The im­por­tant asex­ual is­sue for Stuck is ig­nored in your let­ter, al­though ex­er­cise can cer­tainly im­prove the ap­pear­ance prob­lem she also re­ferred to. I sug­gested a physi­cian and psy­cho­log­i­cal help to de­ter­mine if the woman is re­ally asex­ual or just feel­ing lack of de­sire (pos­si­bly a hor­mone im­bal­ance) or lack of con­fi­dence about her looks and pre­sen­ta­tion with prospec­tive love part­ners, i.e. the “scared to get naked” syn­drome. Hav­ing said this, a very small por­tion of the pop­u­la­tion is truly asex­ual — just not in­ter­ested in sex — al­though they may be cud­dly and af­fec­tion­ate. It’s im­por­tant to find out if you are truly part of that group or not. Try­ing to find a ro­man­tic part­ner when you’re truly asex­ual is dif­fi­cult un­less she searches an older de­mo­graphic than her­self. If there’s a lo­cal asex­ual so­cial club, I would like read­ers to write to the ad­dress be­low with in­for­ma­tion and con­tacts. Please send your ques­tions or com­ments c/o love­coach@hot­mail.com or mail let­ters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Moun­tain

Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

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