He has to be taught to find her sweet spot

Winnipeg Free Press - Section G - - ARTS & LIFE - MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: How do I tell my hus­band he’s re­spon­si­ble for a fail­ure to launch me, since Day 1? I am from a con­ser­va­tive Men­non­ite fam­ily. I got mar­ried this last year and still don’t know what an or­gasm feels like. I was a vir­gin when I got mar­ried, but I’d read the sex man­u­als al­ready. My hus­band read noth­ing and said it would “just come nat­u­rally.” It didn’t. He isn’t very good at sex so I gave him a time­line — Dec. 31 — to im­prove him­self, and then I de­cided I’d say some­thing about it on New Year’s Day. That day is com­ing fast. What do I say? — Ready To Tell Him, Win­nipeg Dear Ready: Give it one more month be­fore you say any­thing. Buy a man­ual that teaches you dif­fer­ent tech­niques to give your­self an or­gasm, then you will cre­ate those nec­es­sary path­ways in your brain. You will know when things are start­ing to ac­cel­er­ate and pro­ceed in the di­rec­tion of a cli­max. Once you know, you can teach him ex­actly what will please you and get you all the way there, with your phys­i­cal help, too. If you crit­i­cize him and tell him he’s a fail­ure as a lover he will lose con­fi­dence. For most men, self-con­fi­dence, plus knowl­edge, is what they need for suc­cess. Sex is not about him work­ing on you to bring you to a cli­max, it is about bring­ing each other to the fire­works to­gether. Leave your best man­ual ly­ing around in the bath­room (where ev­ery­body knows peo­ple will read any­thing) and he will se­cretly pick it up and in­ves­ti­gate. Don’t dev­as­tate your young hus­band. Trick him into be­ing suc­cess­ful. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is a re­sponse from one pur­ple-haired, suc­cess­ful 28-year-old women to the one who wrote about her mom’s dis­ap­proval. Keep the pur­ple hair and laugh off your mother’s com­ments. De­fend your look and you sound un­sure; make a light joke and change the sub­ject and you take away her power. Say some­thing like, “OK, mom, like you don’t want to rock pur­ple hair.” Throw in a wink, then say, “So do you know what you are bak­ing for Christ­mas? Did you need any help with din­ner?” Not only did you make a light joke while chang­ing the sub­ject, but now you are a help­ful daugh­ter. If she is look­ing for a fight, don’t give her the re­ac­tion she is ex­pect­ing and she’ll have to re­spond dif­fer­ently. As we get older, we ac­cept them and their flaws and they ac­cept us as we are. Worry less about chang­ing her mind and more about her see­ing the won­der­ful woman you are, pur­ple hair in­cluded. Of course, if they want to see their grand­chil­dren one day, they’ll have to just pre­tend they like us for a few more years. Haha! — Ms. Grape, Win­nipeg Dear Ms. Grape: Thanks for your ex­cel­lent in­put! Another tech­nique to use with par­ents is to put your arm around them and say, “Then we’ll just have to agree to dis­agree on this one,” and change the sub­ject to some­thing safer and more fun. If the par­ent keeps harp­ing on the sub­ject, you then say firmly: “You’ve brought this up three times now and I won’t be mov­ing my stance on it, so we’re wast­ing a lot of time. I love you guys. We’ll have to talk about other things from now on.” Then you are tak­ing the reins, and they will know it. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just have to re­spond to the woman not know­ing what to do this sea­son. You men­tioned adopt­ing a pet. Al­most three weeks ago we had to put down our beloved cat be­cause of age and ill health. My hus­band hadn’t laughed or smiled for al­most two months, know­ing what was com­ing. I learned of the hu­mane so­ci­ety’s fos­ter par­ent pro­gram and was thrilled at the prospect of help­ing nur­ture an­i­mals that need a home tem­po­rar­ily. In the last week my hus­band has laughed and smiled more than I have seen in a long time thanks to the ad­di­tion of sev­eral kit­tens. We have the love and home to pro­vide what they need to pre­pare them for a life­time of love, af­fec­tion and at­tach­ment with a new fam­ily one day. We also look for­ward to pro­vid­ing a safe place for cats that have been in­jured. It’s only one an­i­mal at a time (un­less it’s a lit­ter) but it sure makes life more mean­ing­ful. It’s the best de­ci­sion we have ever made. — Home is Where the Heart Is, Win­nipeg Dear Home: I have also fos­tered pets in the past and can at­test that it is a great ex­pe­ri­ence, and agree it is a great stop-gap mea­sure for a per­son who isn’t sure if they’d like the full­time re­spon­si­bil­ity of pet own­er­ship. The first day the kit­tens (who had no mom) were so ter­ri­fied they to­tally dis­ap­peared. I looked every­where and fi­nally found the three of them cud­dled in my bot­tom drawer full of sweaters. When I took them back to D’Arcy’s A.R.C. (a no-kill shel­ter on Route 90) they were so­cial­ized enough to be adopted quickly, I am proud to say. I heartily rec­om­mend do­ing this.

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