Hey, Sul­tan... don’t be a slave to roles; sub­mit to re­ver­sal

Winnipeg Free Press - Section G - - ENTERTAINMENT - MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

DEAR MISS LONE­LY­HEARTS: I met my lat­est pas­sion at a fetish ball and things were go­ing great un­til she switched fetishes. Now she wants to be the top­per and I’m not so will­ing to be any­one’s love slave. She says she’s go­ing through an ex­per­i­men­tal pe­riod be­cause she’s young and wants to be “ver­sa­tile.” To heck with ver­sa­tile. I just want to be her sul­tan and she can keep belly-danc­ing for me, serv­ing me drinks and pleas­ing me. I love this. Why would I want to change when I’ve got it made? — Her Sul­tan, Win­nipeg Dear Sul­tan: The sub­mis­sive’s power is in say­ing no and stop­ping the whole scene at any time. You should be aware you’re per­ilously close to the tent flap right now. Since you’ve been warned, be a good sport and give the love-slave role a real try. Your girl­friend may be cu­ri­ous, but peo­ple with a sub­mis­sive ten­dency tend to find dom­i­nance a lit­tle too much “work” af­ter a short while. They quickly get tired of com­ing up with all the ideas for scenes and lead­ing the way. Think about it in the long run. If you refuse to hand over the rein of con­trol for a time, you may find the tent folded up and your lady gone — poof! Dear Miss Lone­ly­hearts: I am a sin­gle gay man in his mid-40s deal­ing with lone­li­ness. It has been very dif­fi­cult for me try­ing to find that spe­cial some­one. It has been a long road com­ing to terms with who I am and deal­ing with re­jec­tion from oth­ers. I don’t have a lot of friends and have re­lied upon my fam­ily for sup­port. I’ve al­ways had a dif­fi­cult time meet­ing and mak­ing friends. I’m wor­ried I’m get­ting too old and “late to the party” with no good, hon­est guy left who’d love and ac­cept me. I’ve spent many years mak­ing sure I got a good ed­u­ca­tion and job, but fell short in my per­sonal life. I’ve have al­ways had to do many things on my own so­cially, which can be very hard and lonely. Coun­selling met with lim­ited suc­cess. I’ve tried cour­ses, gym, groups, bars and In­ter­net dat­ing sites with no luck. I tend to feel dis­ap­pointed with my­self and have cried many times, feel­ing lonely and lost. I’m not sure what to do now as I have ex­hausted so many av­enues and feel like giv­ing up. — Lonely, Win­nipeg Dear Lonely: Is it cor­rect to as­sume you are a shy per­son with a fair amount of self-knowl­edge? Let’s go at this from an­other an­gle: what would you say are the stum­bling blocks for you so­cially, not just as a gay man? Do you find it hard to break the ice, or are you OK with small talk, but choke up when it’s time to re­ally get to know some­one one on one? Are you able to ask some­one out for din­ner? Can you cook and en­ter­tain at home for some­one on a date? Do you have your own place or do you still live with fam­ily? What are your hob­bies and in­ter­ests? We need a list. Write back with an­swers to these ques­tions and I can be of much more help with specifics and a plan. Please send your ques­tions or com­ments c/o love­coach@hot­mail.com or mail let­ters to Miss Lone­ly­hearts c/o Win­nipeg Free Press, 1355 Moun­tain

Ave., Win­nipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

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