Look for an ul­te­rior mo­tive when ex is party guest

Winnipeg Free Press - Section G - - LIFE - MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met an amaz­ingly in­tel­li­gent good-look­ing guy at a party as he was stand­ing against a wall. He was very elo­quent and seemed to have it all to­gether. He was drink­ing scotch and the host kept top­ping up his drink with a bot­tle as she went by. When he asked me if I’d like to go out­side for a smoke, I said, “I don’t smoke. So sorry you do! Smok­ing is bad for your health and out of date.” Then he looked at me and his face trans­formed into a nasty devil look, and he said some­thing so crude to me I can’t even tell you in the news­pa­per. I was up­set and spoke to the host­ess who had been giv­ing him the never-end­ing liquor. She said, kind of fondly, “Oh, that’s my ex-hus­band. You might as well get to know what he’s re­ally like. If he comes to my par­ties and stays sober some­body else might be fooled like I was.” So why in­vite your ex-hus­band at all? What is wrong with her head? I don’t get it. Can you ex­plain it for me? — Shak­ing My Head, Win­nipeg Dear Shak­ing: She may still love the guy and could sleep with him at the end of the party, or more likely, the next morn­ing when he wakes up and is ca­pa­ble. Exes with ma­jor faults some­times stay to­gether as friends and part-time lovers. This is prob­a­bly the sit­u­a­tion you ran into. By keep­ing her ex well-oiled at the party, she keeps him off the mar­ket. She knows women will be at­tracted to him, but he’ll be rude and crude at some point. Don’t waste any more time try­ing to fig­ure out this woman and her re­la­tion­ship with her ex. If there was noth­ing left be­tween them, she wouldn’t be hav­ing him over for her par­ties. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Three women at work make a big deal of me and tease me about how sexy I look. I am a 25-year-old weightlifter and about 15 years younger than these women. I’m al­most young enough to be their son! Last night one of them phoned me at home, af­ter mid­night. She must have got­ten my phone num­ber from the one who is the sec­re­tary. She wanted to come over from the bar. I told her my girl­friend was over, and she said, “Don’t lie to me: you don’t have a girl­friend.” I replied, “Well then, take the hint!” and hung up. At work to­day she was be­ing very un­co­op­er­a­tive with projects we have to work on to­gether. She can make things very dif­fi­cult for me at this job. She is not my boss, but she has power at the of­fice through her two friends. Help! What should I do? — No­body’s Boy Toy, Win­nipeg Dear No­body’s Boy Toy: Let this cool off. She will pout for a few days or a week, but she has to know she was mak­ing a booty call, which is low-class and in­ap­pro­pri­ate, even if you weren’t a co-worker. Don’t over­value your work­ing re­la­tion­ship to the point where you bow down to sex­ual ha­rass­ment. Let her know she has no busi­ness (and say this clearly) “ha­rass­ing” you and that you won’t put up with it from any­body. The H-word com­ing out of the mouth of a guy will be enough to shock her and she will quickly re­peat it to her two bud­dies. Once they see you’re not afraid to fight back they will lose in­ter­est in try­ing to play with you at work or af­ter the bar closes. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am a woman who adores golf. I dream about it when I can’t play it in the win­ter. My hus­band likes golf enough for once a week in the sum­mer but he doesn’t crave it the way I do. He re­fused to take a golf­ing va­ca­tion with me this win­ter and ev­ery win­ter. I’ve had it! I have told him he he has two weeks to make up his mind and then I am go­ing to pur­chase a ticket and go with my golf­ing girl­friends to Florida. He just laughed at me and said, “You wouldn’t dare do that.” Oh yes I would. He doesn’t know I have a lot of money socked away and he thinks he holds the purse strings in this fam­ily. I could plop down $10,000 and go on a month’s golf tour if I wanted to, eas­ily. I have saved a ton of money he doesn’t know about. Both my par­ents kept giv­ing me (qui­etly) sums of money be­fore they died. I don’t re­ally need his money to live on, but I kept my money se­cret so it wouldn’t emas­cu­late him. He’s old school and 20 years older than I am. I haven’t loved him for a long time. What should i do? — End of My Rope, Win­nipeg Dear End of my Rope: There’s more go­ing on here than a golf­ing prob­lem. This dif­fer­ence in sport­ing tastes is also a power strug­gle about to erupt. Other is­sues like free­dom to travel, dis­ap­point­ment in the mar­riage, dif­fer­ing ages and emerg­ing equal­ity for you in the mar­riage are some of the things that are about to to spew. It sim­ply can’t stay the same. He wants to deny you your pas­sion — and you won’t take it any more. You’re not afraid of his leav­ing or threat­en­ing you with los­ing fi­nan­cial sup­port ei­ther. Do you still have a job? I’m guess­ing you don’t. Prob­a­bly the wis­est thing you could do at this point is get an­other job, or start your own busi­ness, be­cause things are about to change, es­pe­cially once you start spend­ing your own money and tak­ing golf hol­i­days with­out him. If you are think­ing of a split, see a do­mes­tic lawyer and an in­de­pen­dent ac­coun­tant be­fore you travel. Your hus­band could ac­com­plish a lot in two weeks, and if he’s fu­ri­ous, you could come home to the doors locked. Please send your ques­tions or com­ments c/o love­coach@hot­mail.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Win­nipeg Free Press, 1355 Moun­tain

Ave., Win­nipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

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