-ase into con­fes­sion about adopted child

Winnipeg Free Press - Section G - - LIFE - MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been sit­ting on a burn­ing se­cret for a long time and don’t know how to fi­nally tell it. I mar­ried the love of my life with­out telling him I had a baby when I was 16. He has no idea and only my fam­ily re­ally knew. They sent me away to an aunt in On­tario where I had the baby and gave it up for adop­tion. I have kept this se­cret so long there is now the dan­ger of the child com­ing to look for me. I am scared to sign the reg­is­ter, al­though I have thought about her ev­ery day of my life. Is it ever too late to tell a truth you have hid­den so long? My hus­band is Men­non­ite and I wasn’t be­fore I met him. I don’t know how he will feel about this. He thought he was mar­ry­ing a vir­gin. — Scared to Con­fess, North Kil­do­nan Dear Scared: Don’t just blurt it out. If he might be as hard and judg­men­tal as you think, you need to soften him up. If you tell him you have some­thing very big that you need to tell him and he might be very up­set, there is a chance he will jump to the ideas that you are se­ri­ously ill or there is an­other man. Tell him you have been afraid to con­fess be­cause you are afraid he will have a ter­ri­ble re­ac­tion. Let him sit on that for a few hours, and stew. Once he has thought of much worse things that could be in the air, you tell him about the baby, that she will soon be old enough to look you up and that you would like to sign the registry so she could find you. He may be re­lieved. You do want to meet her, don’t you? Even if she had a good adop­tive place­ment and a good life, she will have a need to see you at least once. So sign that reg­is­ter with­out any­body’s per­mis­sion. She could turn out to be a plus for both of you. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m very sad. I over­heard my wife tell her girl­friend she thinks she got mar­ried to the wrong guy. I met her just af­ter she broke up with her boyfriend from high school. We were both away in col­lege and she had bro­ken it off with him sim­ply be­cause she was go­ing to an­other prov­ince, not be­cause she didn’t care. I met her and one thing led to an­other and we got mar­ried and it has been great. What I over­heard was that this guy has got­ten in touch with her through Face­book and now he’s ask­ing to see her. She told her friend she was very tempted to meet him. He does busi­ness here a lot now be­cause he is in na­tional sales. I am sick about this and don’t know what to do — Sick to my Stomach, St. Nor­bert Dear Sick to my Stomach: Speak up! Tell your wife you over­heard the whole con­ver­sa­tion and it has hurt you deeply. Ask her not to see this guy and pos­si­bly re­gen­er­ate this re­la­tion­ship. Don’t be afraid to re­mind her that he will be noth­ing like the young guy she once knew and that you have de­vel­oped so much be­tween you — a whole life she could be risk­ing over a high-school ro­mance that failed. How do you know it failed? Be­cause she was quite will­ing to cut him off when she went away to school. She had time be­tween high school and mar­ry­ing you to want him back, or for them to move to the same city, and yet none of that hap­pened. Don’t feel it be­neath you to woo her with flow­ers, ex­tra at­ten­tion, great sex, a ro­man­tic va­ca­tion and fam­ily get-to­geth­ers to show what you have to­gether. Use all the emo­tional am­mu­ni­tion you can. You are bat­tling for your love and this is war. Please send your ques­tions or com­ments c/o love­coach@hot­mail.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Win­nipeg Free Press, 1355 Moun­tain Ave., Win­nipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

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