Boyfriend goes tit-for-tat with body-part in­sult

Winnipeg Free Press - Section G - - ARTS & LIFE - MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I pointed out, with some at­tempt at hu­mour, that one of my boyfriend’s tes­ti­cles is quite a bit big­ger than other and he should get the big one checked out for can­cer. He went to the doc­tor and doesn’t have tes­tic­u­lar can­cer or can­cer of any kind, but now he’s self-con­scious about hav­ing one ball big­ger than the other, and my see­ing it. I could care less. Tes­ti­cles are not that in­ter­est­ing to women. I said: “I was just try­ing to be help­ful when I told you.” He made a face. This morn­ing he took great plea­sure in telling me my right breast is big­ger than my left one. I said, “I’m per­fectly aware of that and have had the mam­mo­grams. I am just fine.” Then he said in a sar­cas­tic voice, im­i­tat­ing me, “I was just try­ing to be help­ful.” Last night we slept on op­po­site sides of the bed. Please help with this stupid spat. — Shiv­er­ing in the Cold, St. Vi­tal Dear Shiv­er­ing: The fight is over, but both of you feel wounded and em­bar­rassed by the way the other per­son spoke. Lovers have to be very care­ful about not in­sult­ing each other’s bod­ies in any way, es­pe­cially sex­ual parts. Jokes are not wel­come. Yes, you needed to alert your man to a pos­si­ble health dan­ger, but you joked about it in­stead of be­ing sweet and con­cerned. And how did he tell you about one breast be­ing big­ger than the other? He copied your style. When he ob­jected to the way you spoke to him, you flipped out the trump card: “I was just try­ing to be help­ful.” That’s why he threw the phrase back in your face when he got the chance. Apolo­gies for the in­sen­si­tive ways you two spoke are needed all round, and they should start with you. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: For three years I’ve been in­volved in an on-again, off-again re­la­tion­ship with a woman who has two very big prob­lems: drugs and her other on-again, off-again boyfriend. It’s a nev­erend­ing cy­cle with her. When we first met, she was clean and sober, and things were great. Then her exboyfriend got out of jail for the umpteenth time and she dropped me like a hot potato. Six months went by and, sure enough, he went back to jail. She came cry­ing to me with a new lease on so­bri­ety for her­self and beg­ging me to take her back, so I did. Another year went by and things were great again, un­til her ex got out of jail again. A few months went by, she re­lapsed and her boyfriend went back to jail yet again. I took her back and re­peated the cy­cle all over. Her other boyfriend is out of jail again and I’m left high and dry for the third time since we met. What’s a guy to do? — The Other Guy, North Kil­do­nan Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Stay away from this woman for good! You are not a boyfriend to her, but some­one to use. You’re a soft place to fall when the real love of her life — the jail­bird — isn’t around to thrill her and do drugs with her. You ful­fil a se­ries of func­tions for her. When he’s be­hind bars, you com­fort her, drive her around, amuse her, fill her time, buy her food and prob­a­bly give her money. Mean­while, you can bet she’s al­ways in con­tact with him via let­ters and jail vis­its. Did you know there are women who love the drama of a jail-house ro­mance? In fact, they almost pre­fer it when the guy’s back be­hind bars for a while so they can be the one in con­trol again, star in the jail-visit soap opera and get to­tal ro­man­tic at­ten­tion from a guy who is lonely, jeal­ous and 100 per cent fo­cused on her. Now let’s talk turkey about your will­ing­ness to swal­low her sto­ries. She’s a user in ev­ery sense. She’s into drugs when she’s with him and re­lapses are a way of life for her. What does that do to you? Do you keep her company, help her score, drive her around or take part in get­ting high with her? Surely, at this point, you have learned your les­son to stay away from this user, or you’re not as bright as your writ­ing style says you are. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I woke up this morn­ing be­side my hus­band of seven months and thought, “Who is this stranger? What have I done?” We had a fight the night be­fore and makeup sex, but in the cold light of day I rolled over and thought, “I wouldn’t have mar­ried you if I knew you’d turn out like this.” I felt like I had fallen out of love the same way I fell into love. For me, it was love at first sight. He was ab­so­lutely gor­geous, lots of fun, easy­go­ing, with a loving na­ture and a big smile. When I told him how I felt, he thought it over for 24 hours, and then said he loved me back. We were mar­ried a few months later. He doesn’t ex­pect much out of life, and he doesn’t care if he works or not. This week he walked out on another job where the boss didn’t like him smoking mar­i­juana on his breaks and then smelling like it. Last night, when he came home un­em­ployed again, he said, “Hey, sales jobs are a dime a dozen. I’ll just take month off, do some fish­ing, and get another job. Don’t worry. I got rent and food money.” I felt my­self sneer­ing. I have a real ca­reer as a nurse and he’s de­pend­ing on my steady money to support his grasshop­per life­style. What am I do­ing mar­ried to a guy who’s job­less and go­ing fish­ing for the next month? — So Turned Off! St. Boni­face Dear Turned Off: You made flaky de­ci­sions about this guy and now you’re mad at him for be­ing a flake. His hand­some looks plus his happy-go-lucky na­ture had you spout­ing the big L-word be­fore it made any sense to do so. But, be­ing a guy who goes with the flow, he de­cided he’d jump into that big warm pool of love you of­fered. Nei­ther one of you took any time to get to know each other to any depth be­fore you ex­changed wed­ding rings. Now, you must work back­wards. You need to have the talks you should have had in the months after meet­ing, and the stakes are so high (di­vorce) it would be best to have them in a re­la­tion­ship coun­sel­lor’s of­fice. By the way, how does he feel about you? Is he still in love? Was he ever? Would he like to an­noy you enough that you let him go free, or do his feel­ings run deep, although his am­bi­tion is lack­ing com­pared with yours? Does he need some post-sec­ondary ed­u­ca­tion to get a ca­reer go­ing? Would he even be will­ing? Would you be able to help him with that fi­nan­cially? Maybe he doesn’t re­ally care about work, and will al­ways find it sec­ondary to hav­ing fun. Call a coun­sel­lor to­day, set up an ap­point­ment and start work­ing this out, one way or the other. This may have been your “starter mar­riage” and it’d be best to end it be­fore you get preg­nant and com­pli­cate things. Please send your ques­tions or com­ments to love­coach@ hot­ or mail let­ters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Win­nipeg Free Press, 1355 Moun­tain Ave., Win­nipeg,

MB, R2X 3B6

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