Don’t blame your­self for amorous feel­ings

Winnipeg Free Press - SundayXtra - - LIFE / TECH -

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve never had a crush on another woman be­fore, but I can’t pass this off as a “buddy” feel­ing any­more. I met this woman through our mu­tual love of gar­den­ing, and she lives just down the block. She’s newly sep­a­rated and I am di­vorced. I know she’s lonely and don’t want to take ad­van­tage of her mixed-up feel­ings.

The trou­ble is, she likes to gar­den in the briefest of ca­sual clothes and in­vites me to use her pool and hot tub. I swam at her place yesterday and all these strange sex­ual feel­ings came over me and I ended up abruptly leav­ing and run­ning home. I took a cold shower, threw my­self on the bed and cried. I don’t want to be a les­bian. — Fight­ing my Feel­ings, River Heights

Dear Fight­ing my Feel­ings: Stop blam­ing your­self for feel­ings that have come upon you. It’s not un­usual for a per­son of ei­ther sex who is lonely for the hu­man touch to ex­pe­ri­ence an in­ci­dent of at­trac­tion to the same sex at some point. Have you ever been at­tracted to any other woman, or is this to­tally new? Sex­ual pref­er­ence is a con­tin­uum that can ebb and flow in dif­fer­ent cir­cum­stances.

Rather than run from this sit­u­a­tion, you might ask a few ques­tions about your friend’s re­la­tion­ship history with men and women. There could be a rea­son her clothes are so brief and tit­il­lat­ing, or it may mean noth­ing at all. Have you had any hints from her or signs that she might be in­ter­ested in you phys­i­cally? You won’t get a chance to act on your crush if she doesn’t have the same feel­ings of de­sire, be­cause it takes two to tango. Then noth­ing is go­ing to hap­pen.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I took my hus­band out in my new boat and we started to ar­gue over how fast I was driv­ing. I made the mis­take of call­ing him a wimp and he said I was a ball-breaker. I said there was no need to be crude, and that if he felt his man­hood was in ques­tion be­cause I bought a speed­boat then he had big prob­lems.

When he mar­ried me af­ter six months of fa­s­tand-fu­ri­ous dat­ing, he knew I liked sports and fast ve­hi­cles. I fell in love with him be­cause I felt I could be my­self: a strong woman with a lot of ac­tive hob­bies. Now he seems to be back­track­ing. He doesn’t find it cute that I have con­tin­ued be­ing who I am, and that seems to show him up in front of his friends.

I am never go­ing to be a girly-girl, but now I’ve got a wed­ding band on my fin­ger. I do love this man. but how can I con­tinue to be my­self and keep him? — Speed Queen, Crestview

Dear Speed: Your hus­band may not have known how he would feel when you con­tin­ued to be Won­der Woman past the ini­tial phase of your mar­riage. Now you’re in the more dif­fi­cult re­al­ity stage. This is when a new hus­band and wife wheel and deal with the truths of each other and hope­fully come out with a sit­u­a­tion that re­spects both part­ners.

He wasn’t wor­ried about your hob­bies in the be­gin­ning, or else he wouldn’t have mar­ried you, so what’s go­ing on? Ask him if he’s been get­ting some teas­ing from his friends over your new speed­boat pur­chase. Does he feel forced to ride in the pas­sen­ger seat while you whip around the lake? Maybe it’s time to pass the con­trols over to him some­times and let him en­joy the speed and the wind in his hair. He could take some of those friends for a ride with­out you at the wheel.

What do you want from him? No­body is happy when they’re fak­ing it. Are you look­ing for a “manly man” to join you in your hob­bies, or do you just want him to be who he is? You two need to stop the name- call­ing and have a heart-to­heart. Please send your ques­tions and com­ments to love­coach@hot­mail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Win­nipeg Free Press, 1355 Moun­tain Ave., Win­nipeg,

MB, R2X 3B6

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