Love tri­an­gle has be­come a four­some

Winnipeg Free Press - SundayXtra - - LIFE / SCIENCE -

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a lover. I’m not do­ing any harm. His “sick” wife has given him per­mis­sion to find sex some­where else as long as he still loves her, too. I used to feel kind of sad for her and un­der­stood how cold and empty his love life had been be­fore I came along. He will never desert her. At least that’s what I thought. Now she has found a “friend.” It is an old boyfriend of hers, who moved back to the city af­ter his wife died.

Ap­par­ently, he vis­its her “as a friend” when­ever he can, and it’s usu­ally when her hus­band is away vis­it­ing me. I know it sounds strange, but I’m un­com­fort­able about this. I un­der­stood it when it was three peo­ple, even though it was strange she ac­tu­ally ap­proved. It seems very weird to me that she now has an­other man when she was too sick for sex be­fore. Why should my lover con­tinue to love and sup­port her when she has a sec­ond man? Why can’t he come live with me?

He has made no men­tion of chang­ing any­thing. My nose is re­ally out of joint about this, and I am tiffy when he comes over, like I’m spoil­ing for a fight when what I re­ally want to say is, “Why don’t you leave her now that she has a guy and be with me?” Do you think he re­ally loves his wife and he’s kind of jeal­ous of her friend? If he re­ally loved me, wouldn’t he want to live here now? I don’t un­der­stand it! Please ex­plain. — Con­fused Lover, Down­town Dear Con­fused Lover: Be­fore this new man en­tered the pic­ture, you could tell your­self your lover was too good a man to leave his sick wife, but he re­ally loved you more, and cer­tainly you were his ro­man­tic love.

Now this other guy has shown up, and your lover feels some com­pe­ti­tion un­der his own roof. He isn’t say­ing, “Whew! Now I can get out of my mar­riage, and this old boyfriend can look af­ter my wife.” In fact, he’s not mov­ing closer to you at all. This might make you won­der if he ever loved you more than his wife; if she re­ally was too sick, or if that was just a story he fed you; or what their deal re­ally was. Was it an open mar­riage on both sides, or a dis­cus­sion of sex with an­other part­ner?

That would be a dis­con­cert­ing feel­ing, and no won­der you are so up­set. Since this has be­come a game of chess, your next move is to ask him to move in with you. That’s a check, and pos­si­bly a check­mate. Then see what hap­pens. He may just run. A talk with his wife would be in­ter­est­ing at that point. Write back, and tell us how this goes. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: It’s al­most cot­tage time, and I’m get­ting ner­vous. The sin­gle woman who moved into the cabin next to mine last year was get­ting way too friendly in the fall. Then we closed up our cot­tages, and went our sep­a­rate ways.

What she doesn’t know is I’m a gay man. When I would have a guy up to the cot­tage for the week­end, she started pop­ping in to visit. In Septem­ber, she started bring­ing over food, such as pies she baked. The big ques­tion this spring is should I tell her I’m gay, or should I just tell her I’m not in­ter­ested in her? It’s none of her busi­ness that I’m gay, and I don’t need gos­sip among other cot­tagers. How do I get her to stay away? — Dread­ing the Sight of Her, Win­nipeg

Dear Dread­ing: Tell her you’re not in­ter­ested in her ro­man­ti­cally. She might say she isn’t in­ter­ested ei­ther, just to hold onto her pride, but she won’t be back with pies any­more or try other ways to in­ter­est you. Tell her nicely, but don’t of­fer to be her friend. You want pri­vacy on the week­end, so don’t give her drop-in-any­time sta­tus.

Let her fig­ure out you’re gay, if she ever does. Hope­fully, she’ll have set her sights on some­one else by then. She might have even met a man over the win­ter and won’t be in­ter­ested at you at all this sum­mer. Please send your ques­tions and com­ments to love­coach@hot­mail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Win­nipeg Free Press, 1355 Moun­tain Ave., Win­nipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

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