Look for part­ner with same qual­i­ties

Winnipeg Free Press - SundayXtra - - LIFE / SCIENCE - MAU­REEN SCURFIELD

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I went through a long sex­ual desert — a dry spell of al­most two years. I am a univer­sity stu­dent, but in a male­dom­i­nated fac­ulty. Then, two women came along at al­most the same time, and I loved them equally. I loved one be­cause she was ex­cit­ing, dar­ing and sex­u­ally amaz­ing, and I loved the other be­cause she was kind and sweet, loves an­i­mals and is warm and sen­sual in bed. I would like to roll them to­gether, make one per­son and marry her, but they are two sep­a­rate be­ings, and now my worst night­mare has hap­pened: they found out about each other and spoke to each other in per­son two days ago.

They had a cof­fee, which turned into din­ner dis­cussing me. They both de­cided they didn’t want a liar like me in the long run, so they weren’t go­ing to fight over me. I didn’t set out to do that! I met them both within a week and started dat­ing them ca­su­ally, and within a month I was sleep­ing with one and then the other. I was try­ing to de­cide and just didn’t con­fess to ei­ther one. Now I have lost both, and don’t know who I miss most. What can I do? — Stabbed Twice in the Heart, Win­nipeg

Dear Stabbed Twice in the Heart: You have a very loose def­i­ni­tion of “love,” and you un­wit­tingly did some stab­bing your­self. Things are not re­ally as bad as they seem. Nei­ther one of them was the an­swer. Now you must look for a woman who com­bines both their char­ac­ter­is­tics, to a cer­tain de­gree, and maybe marry her. If you find that sweet and spicy com­bi­na­tion in one woman, date only her and be true.

Lots of mod­ern, dar­ing women also have a very sweet, warm and nur­tur­ing side. Your chal­lenge is to make it safe for her to show both of those sides to you.

There are mis­takes you can make, though. If she’s one step more dar­ing than you are sex­u­ally, don’t ever call her down for it, or that wild side may shut down on you. If she’s one step softer or less con­fi­dent than you, don’t call her down for that ei­ther, or that emo­tional open­ness will dis­ap­pear. Women have to be loved and sup­ported un­con­di­tion­ally to keep both sides happy and trust­ing you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a man with a dog I fell for, much more than for him. I’m find­ing him a bit bor­ing and self-cen­tred, and I sense he’s not to­tally thrilled with me ei­ther. I am an ex­tremely high-en­ergy chatty per­son, and he’s men­tioned that. I know it sounds stupid to say I’m in love with a dog, but I’ve put off end­ing this so-so re­la­tion­ship be­cause I can’t leave the dog. It would break her heart. She was an abused dog, and although she trusts him, it’s me she re­ally shows her love to. Would it be too much to break up with him and ask if I could keep her? I would of­fer to buy him a new dog or a puppy. — The Nerve of Me? West­wood

Dear The Nerve of You: Does he love this dog deeply, or is he just be­ing a good dog owner? If you’re ever go­ing to ask for her, it can’t be at the same time as you break up with him, but it would also be mean if it was later when she’s been suf­fer­ing with­out you. And how at­tached is this man to you? Is he bored of you, too, and can see you and the dog have a spe­cial bond? He might go for the of­fer of a new puppy, at your ex­pense, who will bond to him more than to you. If that won’t wash, you could sug­gest a dog-walk­ing and babysit­ting sit­u­a­tion, kind of like par­ents who get di­vorced and share cus­tody of the kids. Please send your ques­tions and com­ments to love­coach@hot­mail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Win­nipeg Free Press, 1355 Moun­tain Ave., Win­nipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

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