This Way Up


ZOOMER Magazine - - CONTENTS - By Mike Criso­lago

Peaks and val­leys in the jour­ney. Plus mu­sic, movies and books

We can al­ready hear the com­mer­cial jin­gle now – “I want to lay you down on a bed of rosé” Rocker Jon Bon Jovi, 56, gets into the wine game with his own rosé.

And you thought your days of pee­ing on a stick and wait­ing for the re­sults were be­hind you Chi­nese sci­en­tists say they can iso­late a marker in urine to tell a per­son’s true bi­o­log­i­cal age, as op­posed to their chrono­log­i­cal one.

70-year-old Florida woman wins a conch shell-blow­ing con­test and then re­ceives a marriage pro­posal from a fel­low com­peti­tor, 73, be­fore both cel­e­brate with a conch duet Their loved ones are thrilled for them while si­mul­ta­ne­ously dread­ing the mu­sic at the wed­ding.

Two Rus­sian women, age 64 and 60, go vi­ral with a twerk­ing video in protest of poor liv­ing con­di­tions for se­niors as well as the coun­try’s po­lit­i­cal lead­er­ship Rus­sian Pres­i­dent Vladimir Putin, fu­ri­ous about the video, shouted at his com­puter be­fore gal­lop­ing out of the room, shirt­less, atop a griz­zly bear.

Dave, the aging Bronx Zoo kan­ga­roo fea­tured on the An­i­mal Planet se­ries The Zoo, re­ceives com­pli­men­tary cryother­apy to al­le­vi­ate arthri­tis The story charmed on­line read­ers, ex­cept for one anony­mous com­menter who asked, bit­terly, “Oh sure, how much twerk­ing did he have to do to get that sweet deal?”

A nurs­ing home in Mon­treal hon­ours the 20 cen­te­nar­i­ans who live there with a mas­sive birth­day bash Guests loved the cake, though it took a while to un­tan­gle the cen­te­nar­i­ans af­ter that spon­ta­neous game of Twister broke out.

“I was mean, sure,” Si­mon Cow­ell said, “but I never drove any­one to this” An 89-year-old nun who op­posed the sale of her con­vent’s prop­erty to pop star and Amer­i­can Idol judge Katy Perry col­lapses and dies while ar­gu­ing the case in court.

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