A Mary Berry-proof guide to what is NOP (Not Posh)

You’re probably aware that Bake Off judge Mary Berry has ruled dunking Jaffa Cakes to be not polite; and owning a deep-fat fryer beyond the pale. So there you have it. A clear statement of what’s NOP — Not Posh — in confusing times.

Back when Jilly Cooper was first plying her trade, there were so many tiny and not-so tiny class clues that you could have written volumes on the subject. Indeed, people did just that. Now, it is much harder to pin down what separates the Posh from the Not Posh. And everyone is dying to know just in case they are doing something aggressively unposh without realising it — which is why we are grateful to Mary, who is one of the very few people the British public accepts as an authority on such matters. If anyone can tell us what’s not done, in a firm yet not patronising way, Mary can.

But why stop with fryers and dunking? So, for what it’s worth, here is a quick update as to what’s NOP (probably) in the autumn of 2016.

Certainly not one nestled next to the garage at home. Obviously, a novelty hot tub on your verandah on holiday, or the one at Richard Branson’s place on Necker Island, is a different thing.

1 2 A hot tub. Man bling, especially giant gold crucifixes.

We are thrilled to include this because Tony Blair’s second ambition, after being the lead singer of a world-famous rock band, was surely to be Posh. Now he has well and truly blown that with his new “fit Philip Green” look (conker tan, shades, designer swimming trunks, man jewellery).

Not supposed to be caring that much. Similarly, “the tour” of the house, unless it’s Chatsworth.

3 4 Shoes off at the front door. Mayo in a dish, as opposed to out of the jar.

We know this to be true thanks to Miriam Clegg reporting that Sam Cam serves Hellmann’s from the jar and chicken on a board. And that’s when ‘entertaining’. Fanciness at a table — too many special spoons and twinkly bits of crystal — is Not Posh. But don’t try putting a litre bottle of Pepsi in the middle of the table, either.

It is so tempting to itemise the cheese, especially as everyone is dying to know whether the comté really is comté or manchego, but it’s Not Posh to do so as it smacks of pretension. Similarly, announcing the fine wine you are in the process of serving, unless it is an 1812 brandy.

5

Dog clothes. Dog carriers. Special gourmet dog food. Dog classes. The concept of a “dog-walking” holiday. And then having a very poorly trained dog. NOP.

6 Itemising the cheese. Doggie preciousness.

This may be reviewed, what with so many thesps being ex-public schoolboys who have had extensive brightening work. However, at the time of going to press, perfect flashing tombstone teeth, generally Not Posh.

7 8

(Though Lady Mary Charteris is extremely posh and she got married half-naked ... there is no second-guessing the aristos.)

11 Very white teeth. Personalised number plates.

Obviously NOP.

Bought coleslaw. Shouting or speaking loudly in public,

was informed of this while shouting in the sea by a someone whose aunt lives in a castle, so can confirm this is right up-to-date.

12 for it

Like cheeseitemising, it serves a useful purpose but still on the NOP list.

13 Plastered-on make-up in situations where there can be no call

(say, at the beach or on a walk).

Air freshener.

9 10 Very revealing wedding dresses.

What is posh? Well, that’s a whole other list for another time, but Piers Morgan recently described his background as “posh but poor”, and to clarify explained “we definitely had an Aga”.

So there you go. None of the above, plus an Aga. Sorted.