The Hong Kong Home­buyer’s Guide

HK Magazine - - PAGE 3 -

Fan­tas­tic news! Hong Kong is, for the sixth year in a row, the most ex­pen­sive place in the world to buy an apart­ment. That’s just great for all you home­own­ers out there, who are sit­ting on gold­mines if you want to sell up and move to a hell­hole like Detroit. But for those of you not rich enough to own your own place, we’ve got some great tips that will take you from renter to owner in no time at all.

Go into Re­tail.

It’s true: Sell­ing goods is a tough in­dus­try to make money in. But if you do it right, the re­wards are enor­mous. Here’s a case study. A man, L.B., made money by sell­ing the printed word bound into vol­umes. Th­ese words were a com­bi­na­tion of gos­sip and crit­i­cism of cer­tain pow­er­ful peo­ple. This cre­ated a ready mar­ket of peo­ple who wanted to read this kind of ma­te­rial, and were there­fore happy to spend money to pur­chase th­ese vol­umes. This an­gered some mid-level func­tionar­ies of the pow­er­ful peo­ple, who ab­ducted L.B. from his city of res­i­dence and held him over the bor­der while ev­ery­one else won­dered what the hell just hap­pened. And L.B. didn’t have to worry about buy­ing a house ever again, be­cause he was a guest of state se­cu­rity ap­pa­ra­tus in­stead. See? Re­tail is su­per re­ward­ing.

Crash at CY’s Place.

You know that movie “The Ter­mi­nal,” where Tom Hanks gets away with liv­ing in­side JFK Air­port for months on end? Sim­ply pack a bag and move into the vast man­sion that is Gov­ern­ment House. If CY Le­ung gets cu­ri­ous and asks what you’re do­ing there, look im­pe­ri­ous and claim to be from the Li­ai­son Of­fice. He’ll avert his eyes and scuttle back­wards, mut­ter­ing vague apolo­gies in atro­cious Pu­tonghua.

The Clas­sic Time Ma­chine Gam­bit.

Strug­gling to save the 40 per­cent down pay­ment you’ll need to come up with be­fore you can buy an apart­ment? No prob­lem. Ob­vi­ously, this is the per­fect time for the ol’ time ma­chine wheeze. Sim­ply in­vent and con­struct a time ma­chine. Go back in time to the ear­li­est days of Hong Kong and de­posit $500 with a bank, then let com­pound in­ter­est do the work. Zip for­ward to the mod­ern day and col­lect your down pay­ment in one handy lump sum. Al­though given our cra­ter­ing in­ter­est rates you’ll make about $20.

Smash the Sys­tem.

Let’s be real: The gov­ern­ment’s cool­ing mea­sures aren’t work­ing. The only way we’ll be able to af­ford a place is by en­gi­neer­ing the down­fall of the en­tire Hong Kong econ­omy. Thank­fully, this ap­pears to be well in progress: Ram­pant rents, soar­ing prices, in­ad­e­quate wel­fare, use­less public hous­ing and a yawn­ing rich-poor gap are all signs of a fun­da­men­tally bro­ken so­ci­ety. In so­ciopol­i­tics, “ac­cel­er­a­tionism” is the act of en­cour­ag­ing cap­i­tal­ism to ful­fil its self-de­struc­tive ten­den­cies un­til it dis­in­te­grates. This is all too ob­vi­ously the hid­den agenda of Fi­nan­cial Sec­re­tary John Tsang who, far from be­ing a mus­ta­chioed buf­foon, is ev­i­dently a fifth colum­nist bent on bring­ing down the pre­vail­ing sys­tem in or­der to set up an an­ar­cho-syn­di­cal­ist utopia. You’re do­ing a killer job, Com­rade John!

Di­ver­sify.

An in­ter­na­tional sur­vey has found that the me­dian Hong Kong home costs 19 times the me­dian an­nual house­hold in­come. Don’t want to slave away at a desk for 19 years of your life just to scrape to­gether enough for a crappy stu­dio walkup? Simple. Re­mem­ber that time ma­chine you built? Sim­ply go back in time and im­preg­nate your­self 18 times, cre­at­ing 18 clones. 18 clones plus you work­ing for a sin­gle year will rack up that cash no prob­lem. Yeah: same as the gov­ern­ment, we just told you to go screw your­self.

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