SAV­AGE LOVE

HK Magazine - - MARKET PLACE - Dan Sav­age

I’m a 27-year-old, feminist, con­ven­tion­ally at­trac­tive, straight­ish, GGG woman.

Over time, my tastes have changed, and now I find my­self more of a kinkster. A few years ago, my de­sire for kinkier sex and my will­ing­ness to take a chance came to­gether in a mu­tu­ally ben­e­fi­cial, ex­cit­ing D/s re­la­tion­ship. I’ll be hon­est: I wasn’t as smart as I could have been. I met this guy on Tin­der, and af­ter ver­i­fy­ing his iden­tity,

I told some friends where I’d be and I met up with him. He was great for a while, but a big move took me away from the area and I grew tired of his con­ven­tional gen­der ideals. I as­sumed I would find an­other part­ner in the fu­ture as func­tion­ally great as him but maybe a bet­ter con­ver­sa­tion­al­ist. Fast-for­ward to to­day. I’ve dab­bled with pain and sub­mis­sion play with a few boyfriends with no great suc­cess. (A sub­se­quent part­ner who didn’t re­spect my safe word, in fact, as­saulted me.) I’m now greatly dis­cour­aged in my search. The cy­cle al­ways goes like this: I get horny and want kink, I go look­ing for it on­line, and I am then buried in a land­slide of creepi­ness, ty­pos, and ag­gres­sion. There are just so many men out there who hate women. These men are more in­ter­ested in be­ing con­de­scend­ing to me and boss­ing me around than they are in power ex­change. It was rec­om­mended to me to join the lo­cal cen­ter for sex positivity in Seat­tle, but that costs money. I want to en­gage in kink to re­lieve stress, not to cut into my al­ready tight bud­get. Are my only op­tions per­se­ver­ance or an ex­tra grand ly­ing around? – Per­se­ver­ance Or With­drawal, Eter­nal Re­grets

I def­i­nitely think you should keep hack­ing your way through the creeps, ty­pos, and ag­gros, POWER, and, more im­por­tantly, your pussy thinks so too— ex­cuse me, that’s crude. Per­haps I should say: Your erotic imag­i­na­tion and your libido think so too. But you may find the search for kinky play part­ners a lit­tle less frus­trat­ing if you de­vote a few hours a week to it—set a reg­u­lar sched­ule: two hours a night, twice a week—in­stead of wait­ing un­til horni­ness and des­per­a­tion drive you back on­line. If you search for kinky guys only when you just gotta have it, POWER, your in­abil­ity to find it im­me­di­ately is gonna be that much more frus­trat­ing.

And you might wanna get out there and find a kinky guy now, POWER, while you still can.

“Uh-oh, kinksters: Sex cops could be com­ing for you next,” El­iz­a­beth Nolan Brown writes at Rea­son.com. “Ac­cord­ing to a new fed­eral court de­ci­sion, Amer­i­cans have no con­sti­tu­tional right to en­gage in con­sen­sual BDSM be­cause ‘sex­ual ac­tiv­ity that in­volves bind­ing and gag­ging or the use of phys­i­cal force such as spank­ing or chok­ing poses cer­tain in­her­ent risks to per­sonal safety.’ Thus of­fi­cials could con­sti­tu­tion­ally ban or reg­u­late such ac­tiv­ity in the in­ter­est of ‘the pro­tec­tion of vul­ner­a­ble per­sons,’ the court held.”

In 2003, the US Supreme Court ruled that Amer­i­cans have a con­sti­tu­tional right to get their asses fucked, and one day soon we could be ask­ing the Supreme Court whether Amer­i­cans have a con­sti­tu­tional right to get their asses spanked.

Fi­nally, POWER, I’m a huge fan of Seat­tle’s Cen­ter for Sex Pos­i­tive Cul­ture (thec­spc.org). And I’m an even big­ger fan of peo­ple get­ting out there, meet­ing up IRL, and mak­ing face-to-face con­nec­tions with like-minded kinksters. I’m such a big fan that I’m go­ing to pick up the ex­pense of your first year’s mem­ber­ship at the Cen­ter for Sex Pos­i­tive Cul­ture. While there are ad­di­tional charges for most events at the cen­ter, POWER, there are also tons of vol­un­teer op­por­tu­ni­ties—and there’s no bet­ter way to get to know the lo­cal kinksters than to pitch in and help out. I’ll e-mail you di­rectly about your shiny new mem­ber­ship. And speak­ing of safe words…

You messed up in your re­sponse to THINK, the man whose wife wanted to en­gage in con­sen­sual role-play rape scenes de­spite hav­ing been sex­u­ally as­saulted by a pre­vi­ous part­ner who didn’t stop “when she said ‘no.’” THINK said he wor­ried “the same thing could hap­pen” to him. Due to some am­bigu­ous word­ing, you thought he doubted his wife’s ac­count and was wor­ried the “same thing” he was wor­ried about was “be­ing falsely ac­cused of rape.” I think he was ac­tu­ally wor­ried about ac­ci­den­tally mak­ing his wife re­live that trauma in a non-sexy way. Al­though it was poorly worded, I don’t think his in­ten­tions were mo­ti­vated by the fear of be­ing falsely ac­cused. His wor­ries were based in the am­bi­gu­ity of when does con­sen­sual rape play cross the line in this very del­i­cate sce­nario. The other thing you for­got, the most im­por­tant thing you for­got, the thing that should never be for­got­ten when talk­ing about rough-sex role-play, con­sen­sual rape scenes, power ex­change, bondage, or SM: a SAFE WORD!

– Sim­ple And Fre­quently Ef­fec­tive Word Omit­ted Re­cently, Dan!

THINK’s wife told him she was raped by an ex who re­fused to stop when she said no, SAFEWORD, and here’s how THINK de­scribed his con­cerns: “I’m over here won­der­ing if her pre­vi­ous trauma was a re­sult of her en­cour­ag­ing force­ful sex and re­gret­ting it later, and I worry the same thing could hap­pen to me.” [Em­pha­sis added.] Awk­wardly worded, yes, but THINK’s mean­ing seems clear: He didn’t want to go for it, like that other guy may have, and be ac­cused of rap­ing his wife if she came to re­gret it later. That doesn’t seem am­bigu­ous to me.

But you’re right to ding me for fail­ing to ad­vise Mr. and Mrs. THINK to agree on a safe word. And I didn’t just leave “get a safe word” out of my re­sponse, SAFEWORD. It was worse than that:

I deleted “get a safe word” from my re­sponse. There were two very sim­i­lar para­graphs in the orig­i­nal draft of my re­sponse to THINK, both on the me­chan­ics of mak­ing it hap­pen, and I had to delete one para­graph for space. In an un­be­liev­ably stupid move, I deleted the one with “get a safe word” in it. I should’ve caught that, I didn’t, and I’m grate­ful to SAFEWORD and ev­ery­one else who did.

And re­mem­ber, kids: We have a new uni­ver­sal kink/BDSM/power-ex­change safe word: scalia.

I am the only lib­eral in my fam­ily. I love them, but there is no talk­ing to them on the is­sues. I have come up with the idea of a Planned Par­ent­hood jar. It is like a swear jar, but I will put money in it when I am too chick­en­shit or con­flict-avoidant to have a hard con­ver­sa­tion. Every time one of my fam­ily mem­bers puts up a stupid, ill-in­formed ar­ti­cle on Face­book and I don’t say any­thing, I will put money in the jar. Any time they tell me why Hil­lary Clin­ton is the devil, I will put money in the jar. It will as­suage my guilt and make those mo­ments eas­ier be­cause I can smugly think: “Keep talk­ing, the only one you are help­ing is Planned Par­ent­hood.” Is this a cop-out or a nar­rowly tai­lored, ap­pro­pri­ate penance? – Fear­ful And Mil­que­toast, I’m Lean­ing Yel­low

Can’t some­thing be a cop-out and a cre­ative, ap­pro­pri­ate penance? But whether it’s one or the other or both, FAM­ILY, I’m strongly in fa­vor of any­thing that ben­e­fits Planned Par­ent­hood. For those who don’t want to go through the mo­tions of fill­ing a jar with money be­fore mak­ing a do­na­tion, just go to planned­par­ent­hood.org and click Donate.

On the Love­cast: Squeeeee! It’s Abbi and Ilana from TV’s “Broad City!” Lis­ten at sav­agelove­cast.com.

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