Treacherous Trip Tips
Two members of the pro-mainland China-Australia Legal Exchange Foundation were forced to resign this week, after media reported on them enjoying themselves in a KTV lounge with unidentified women while on an official trip to Beijing. The boys are in trouble—but the thing is, they were just doing it wrong. Here’s how you should navigate treacherous China trips.
At a large banquet or meal, you will be expected to eat a bit of everything and drink a large amount of alcohol as everyone sitting around the table is toasted with a hearty “ganbei!” However, it is frowned upon to request tequila, lime and salt instead of maotai or Chivas.
You will be taken to see many items you are not interested in seeing. Stick with it, because it is rude to blow off your hosts. Just keep your mind on the prize: All those hot, hot KTV hostess girls no one will ever find out about.
Just as in Hong Kong, business cards are not to be taken lightly. Accept and present them out with two hands, and leave the card on the table during a meeting or meal. That way if the meeting goes badly, you can theatrically set fire to the small pile you’ve accumulated on the table before storming out.
Again, just as in Hong Kong, the giving and receiving of
“face” is vital. Fortunately, the rise of global online business makes giving gift cards from Korean plastic surgery clinics easier than ever. Guanxi.
Chinese business and politics works on “guanxi”—that mix of personal connection and loyalty that can only be gained by frequent wining-and-dining and relationship-building. To truly lock in your guanxi, consider framing your counterpart for an illegal activity which you can subsequently make disappear, earning you undying loyalty. Have you considered filming them in flagrante with a KTV hostess?
Maybe… just don’t say anything about this for any reason. Why even would you?
This is the big one. The way you comport yourself at KTV is the difference between political success and career suicide. KTV hostesses will be charming and you will be tempted to reciprocate their attentions, which could have potentially disastrous consequences. Avoid the issue by making use of the new Facebook Live video streaming function. By broadcasting the iniquity of your colleagues in real-time to the whole world, then at least YOU won’t appear in the video. Your future success is guaranteed.