Can I blow my load twice in one con­dom?

HK Magazine - - PAGE 3 - Dan Sav­age

I’m in my mid-40s, straight, never mar­ried. Ten months ago, my girl­friend of three years dumped me. She got bored with the re­la­tion­ship and is gen­er­ally not the mar­ry­ing type. The breakup was am­i­ca­ble. I still love her and miss her. Last week, I wrote her a let­ter say­ing that I still love her and want us to get back to­gether. She wrote me a nice let­ter back say­ing she doesn’t feel pas­sion for me and we’re never get­ting back to­gether. Over the past few months, I’ve started dat­ing an­other girl. She’s pretty, smart, sexy, and kind. If I pro­posed, she’d prob­a­bly say yes. I want to get mar­ried. The prob­lem is that I don’t have the pas­sion for her that I had for my pre­vi­ous girl­friend. So do I “set­tle” for Girl­friend #2 or start my search all over? Please don’t give me the bull­shit that love can hap­pen at any age. At my age, the num­ber of sin­gle women with­out kids is low. How many mar­ried peo­ple “set­tle” for some­one who is a good per­son but not their true love? – No Clever Acro­nym

There is no set­tling down with­out some set­tling for. Please make a note of it. Also, NCA, while pas­sion is a great feel­ing—to­tally in­tox­i­cat­ing—it also tends to be ephemeral. It’s a hard feel­ing to sus­tain over the long haul, and mar­riage is the­o­ret­i­cally the long­est of long hauls. You felt strongly about your ex, but she didn’t share your feel­ings. You don’t feel quite as strongly about your cur­rent girl­friend, but you would like to be mar­ried—to some­one, maybe her—and Girl­friend #2 seems like a good can­di­date. I wouldn’t sug­gest propos­ing, as you’ve been see­ing her for only a few months and most sane women view early, im­pul­sive pro­pos­als as red flags. And fi­nally, NCA, the specter of a “true love” wait­ing for us out there some­where, ei­ther lost or not yet found, snuffs out more good-and-lovin­gand-to­tally-worth-set­tling-for re­la­tion­ships than any­thing this side of cheat­ing.

My girl­friend has started see­ing other part­ners. It makes her happy, and in turn I’m happy for her. It’s tak­ing me a bit of time to ad­just to the new sit­u­a­tion, but she’s hap­pier than she’s been in ages. We love each other and are crazily com­pat­i­ble. To­day she came back from a ho­tel with bite marks on her breasts. I know she’s been with a few peo­ple over the last few weeks, but be­ing re­minded of it each time I look at or touch her makes me un­com­fort­able. What’s more, the guy who did it knew she was part of a long-term cou­ple. Do I need to get over it for the sake of my girl­friend or do I make an is­sue of hick­eys? – Boy Re­ally Un­nerved In See­ing Ev­i­dence

If you and the girl­friend have a don’t ask, don’t tell pol­icy about her hookups with oth­ers, BRUISE, then hick­eys and other kinds of slow-fad­ing marks vi­o­late the spirit of that agree­ment. Those kinds of marks amount to a non­ver­bal “tell.” You have a right to calmly point that out to your girl­friend, and she has a re­spon­si­bil­ity, in the fu­ture and in the mo­ment, to re­mind/warn her out­side sex part­ners that leav­ing slow-fad­ing marks on her breasts, neck, thighs, fore­head, in­soles, eye­lids, etc., is out of bounds. For your part, BRUISE, don’t in­spect your girl­friend post-hookup for the kinds of marks that fade quickly af­ter sex, as that would amount to a non­ver­bal ask.

My first re­frac­tory pe­riod—the time it takes me to get ready to have sex again af­ter my first or­gasm—is shorter than the time it takes me to lose my erec­tion. I was in a re­la­tion­ship and wasn’t us­ing con­doms any­more by the time I fig­ured this out, so it was just gen­er­ally good times—I’d blow my load, take less than a minute to catch my breath, and be ready to go again. But now that I’m sin­gle and en­ter­ing the dat­ing pool, I’m go­ing to be wrap­ping it again. Ob­vi­ously. But I’m not 100 per­cent sure it’s safe to blow two loads into one con­dom. I’m not sure how much ejac­u­late I’m pro­duc­ing the sec­ond time I come, but it’s surely less than the first time. I’m not con­fi­dent that “sec­ond” erec­tion would sur­vive the whole tak­ing-off-the-con­do­mand-ty­ing-it-up-and-then-putting-on-an­oth­er­con­dom ex­er­cise, but I would like to avoid that rig­ma­role if pos­si­ble. So is it safe to blow two loads in a sin­gle con­dom? – Two Pump Champ

The fail­ure rate for con­doms when used cor­rectly is low (2 per­cent), TPC, but the fail­ure rate for con­doms when used in­cor­rectly is high (18 per­cent). Leaks are the most com­mon way con­doms fail, and slam­ming your cock in and out of some­one with a fully loaded con­dom wrapped around it will re­sult in leaks. Even if your sec­ond load con­sists of noth­ing but good in­ten­tions, TPC, reusing a con­dom the way you de­scribe is a recipe for dis­as­ter, im­preg­na­tion, dis­ease trans­mis­sion, or all of the above.

I have to put my two cents in about Heart­bro­ken And Dev­as­tated, the man who dis­cov­ered that his wife has been cheat­ing on him the en­tire time they have been to­gether. Her con­stant and self­ish be­trayal is egre­gious. In­stead of be­ing hon­est and giv­ing him a chance to be in an open re­la­tion­ship, she chose to make a fool out of him. She is self­ish and a slut. Not to men­tion that she could have given him an STD, AIDS, you name it. I dis­agree with you about the con­cept of monogamy—I don’t think it is a fantasy. I be­lieve there is some­thing that sep­a­rates us from the animals, and that’s called in­tegrity and self-con­trol. I am hap­pily mar­ried to a beau­ti­ful woman. I am a singer in a band, I get hit on all the time, but I don’t act on it. Be­cause some of us have a con­science and don’t be­tray the ones we’ve made a COM­MIT­MENT TO. I wish HAD the best of luck, but I hope he moves on and finds some­one who will ap­pre­ci­ate him. – Monog­a­mous And Proud In Port­land

I have a few ques­tions for you, MAPIP, but first: I agree that HAD’s wife be­trayed him in an ex­treme and egre­gious way, and I made that clear in my re­sponse. (“The scale, du­ra­tion, and psy­cho­log­i­cal cru­elty of your wife’s be­tray­als may be too great for you to over­come.”) Now here’s my ques­tion for you: What did you make a COM­MIT­MENT TO? Was it to your wife or was it to an ideal? Did you com­mit to a fal­li­ble hu­man be­ing or did you com­mit to a prin­ci­ple? Let’s say your wife screwed up and cheated— which hap­pens all the time, it could hap­pen to you (you do re­al­ize you’re whistling past the world’s most densely pop­u­lated grave­yard), women cheat now at pretty much the same rate men do—and let’s say it was a far less egre­gious be­trayal than the one HAD is suf­fer­ing through. Let’s say it was a one-off, years from now, or maybe a two-off. Would you stay and try to save your mar­riage or would you leave your wife? Stay­ing and try­ing to save your mar­riage says, “I com­mit­ted my­self to this per­son,” leav­ing says, “I com­mit­ted my­self to this ideal.” If your ideals are more im­por­tant to you than your spouse, I think you’re do­ing mar­riage wrong. But you’re free to dis­agree.

On the Love­cast, ex-Mus­lim sex blog­ger Eiy­nah: sav­agelove­cast.com.

Find the Sav­age Love­cast (my weekly pod­cast) ev­ery Tues­day at thes­tranger.com/sav­age.mail@sav­agelove.net

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