女人 :天生的侦探

Special Focus - - Hu­mor - 文|吴玲瑶

聊到婚外情,大家总爱说: “哪个猫儿不偷腥?男人就像猫一样,只是比猫高一点儿。唉,天下乌鸦一般黑。”

“在单身酒吧里的男人有一个共同特点,那就是他们都是已婚的。”

“男人觉得办公室的恋情很难拒绝,可以一边赚钱,一边谈恋爱,反正用的都是公司的时间。”

有一位女士说,她已经厌烦了花心丈夫老缠在三角关系中,不能自拔。结婚数年,先生一直都在谈恋爱,只是太太不知道“她”是谁。有一次,她心情很不好,对家里年轻的女佣说:“我怀疑先生和女秘书有染。”“不会吧,”女佣回答,“你是不是故意说了让我嫉妒的?”

每个女人发现先生出轨的线索都不同。衬衫领口的唇印,来路不明的女人头发,晚归却没有好借口,午餐一吃三小时,信用卡上买的东西都没带回家等等,都是可疑的线索。还有太太接起就被挂的怪电话,先生电话里的声音出奇的温柔,说些“我好想你,我想握握你的手……”之类的话,还辩称说是和他妈妈聊天。

我有一朋友,她说小时候放学回家都在当侦探,在纸屑篓里翻翻,就知道自己上学时,妈妈给在家的妹妹什么好东西吃,自己也可以据理力争,争回点儿好处。 妈妈不在家时,她可以从她是穿了拖鞋还是皮鞋外出,来研究她走多远,会不会回来做饭。凭着从小训练出来的侦探才华,她认为每件事都有线索可寻。

“这个电话一直响了23声没有人接,那他一定在家。”

不知道这是什么逻辑,怪不得有人感叹说,男人花了几千年发展出来的一套逻辑观念,女人能在几分钟之内破坏无遗,但气人的是,常常是她对。

“他看到我那么高兴,那么殷勤,一定是另外有别的女人。” “他忘了系领带,一定是……”似乎每件小事都逃不过她的慧眼,虽然没有学过科学辩证法,却又料事如神。不需指纹分析、化学实验、测谎仪,却能用手边的工具来做侦测的器材,借助一本电话簿、烟蒂、手帕,她都能找到证据来证明她的想法。

后来她结了婚,由蛛丝马迹中发现先生有外遇,很奇怪这次她没自己去査案,而是找了私家侦探:“我请你们日夜跟着我先生和那女人,最重要的是找出那女人看上我先生哪一点,因为我看不出来。”

(摘自《幽默女人麻辣烫》中国长安出版社)

The clues dis­cov­ered to ex­pose a hus­band’s un­faith­ful­ness are dif­fer­ent for ev­ery woman. Lip­stick on a shirt col­lar, uniden­ti­fi­able woman’s hair, re­turn­ing home late with­out a good ex­cuse, a lunch that lasts three hours, credit card ex­penses for things that never seem to be taken home are all sus­pi­cious clues. Calls hung up when the phone is picked up by the wife, the hus­band’s voice turn­ing ex­cep­tion­ally ten­der in the phone, say­ing things like, “I miss you, I want to hold your hand……” and then de­fend­ing him­self say­ing it was his mother on the other end.

A friend of mine said when she was lit­tle she would go home af­ter school and pre­tended that she was a de­tec­tive. Rum­mag­ing through the trash­can, she could know that when she was away at school her mom had given her lit­tle sis­ter some­thing good to eat and wanted good grounds to ar­gue on, hop­ing that she could gain some “re­wards”. When her mom wasn’t at home she would look to see if she had worn her san­dals or leather shoes to fig­ure out how far she was go­ing and whether she would be com­ing home to make din­ner or not. Based on those de­tec­tive skills that she de­vel­oped, she reck­oned that there are threads to pull at for ev­ery­thing.

“I phoned him and heard the phone ring twenty-three times in a row and no one picked up, he’s def­i­nitely at home.”

I’m not sure what kind of logic that is, and it is no won­der that peo­ple lament say­ing that men have spent thou­sands of years work­ing on a set of log­i­cal con­cepts only to be bro­ken by women within a few min­utes, and most an­noy­ingly, the woman is of­ten right.

“He’s that happy to see me and so at­ten­tive, he must have a woman on the side.”

“He for­got to tie his tie, it must be that……”

Seem­ingly noth­ing could get past her ‘ all see­ing eyes,’ she seems to foretell the fu­ture like a god. She has no need for finger­print anal­y­sis, chem­i­cal ex­per­i­ments, or lie de­tec­tors.He is able to turn the tools be­side her into de­tec­tion equip­ment— tak­ing

clues from a phone book, a ci­garette butt, or a hand­ker­chief— ev­ery­thing be­comes the ev­i­dence needed to prove her point. Later she mar­ried, and in the clues and traces she re­al­ized that her hus­band was hav­ing an af­fair, but weirdly enough this time she didn’t go in­ves­ti­gat­ing her­self, in­stead she hired a de­tec­tive, say­ing, “I’m hir­ing you to fol­low my hus­band and that woman night and day. The most im­por­tant thing is to find out what that woman sees in him, be­cause I can’t see it.”

(From Witty Women’s Hot Pot, China Chang’an Press. Trans­lated: Sam Bowden)

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