Li Ao’s Wit­ti­cisms

李敖妙语录

Special Focus - - Contents - Li Ao 李敖

On men and women

Some­times the rea­son a man doesn’t want to be­come a bigamist is not be­cause he doesn’t want to marry two women, but be­cause he doesn’t want to have to look two moth­ers-in-law in the face.

The top pri­or­ity for a 200- pound per­son is not weight loss, but to stand in front of a 205-pound per­son.

Men who have been mar­ried many times are more en­joy­able than men who have been mar­ried for many years, but men who have been mar­ried for many years are bet­ter off.

The mo­ment the smart est woman gets in­volved in mat­ters of the heart she be­comes an idiot; the mo­ment the smartest man be­comes in­volved in mat­ters of the heart he be­comes a philoso­pher.

There are no ugly men, only bad men; there are no ugly women, only lazy women.

Beauty is in the eye of the be­holder, and in the eye of the beauty there is only her­self.

Vet­eran sol­diers won’ t die in bat­tle, but will die wolf­ing down food; hot women won’t die of star­va­tion, but will die of in­di­ges­tion.

There are five kinds of men out there for a woman: the ones in her heart, the ones in her eye, the ones in her hand, the ones in her em­brace and the ones in her dreams. The men who as­sume there is only one kind of man for a woman are fools.

On so­cial life

En­e­mies are ac­tu­ally trust­wor­thy in some small way— they will never change, they will never for­get you like friends usu­ally do, and they will never ever leave you.

You al­ways have to fight with your en­e­mies; you only have to fight with friends from time to time.

Friends who hook up for din­ner at a restau­rant are just peo­ple tak­ing a bath­room break in the mid­dle of com­bat.

A good neigh­bor only greets you from be­hind the wall and never crawls over it.

What’s the dif­fer­ence be­tween a life in­surance pur­chaser and a gam­bler? An in­surance pur­chaser will win when he dies, and a gam­bler can’t die un­til they win.

I fi­nally re­al­ized what the gen­er­a­tion gap meant when I found out my ac­coun­tant was us­ing a cal­cu­la­tor while I couldn’t as­sure myself of the re­li­a­bil­ity un­til I re­cal­cu­lated it us­ing a pen.

The hap­pi­est thing in life is do­ing what­ever you think you can’t do. The sec­ond hap­pi­est thing in life is do­ing what oth­ers think you can’t do.

When I was young I took peo­ple by the hand and made them run with me; when I got old I took peo­ple by the hand and made them stop run­ning. Is this progress or ret­rogress? I still don’t know.

Some peo­ple wear branded clothes and they look like off- brands you bought from some street ven­dor; some peo­ple wear off-brands from some street ven­dor and they look like name brands; and then there are some who look the same ei­ther way, like the Amer­i­can Pres­i­dent Roo­sevelt, who didn’t care about the clothes he wore, and the Chi­nese writer, Mr. Li Ao, who looks the same in any­thing he wears.

I have no guard to keep up, I just have a ham­mer to keep peo­ple off me; and I have no backup, I just have a back­bone.

(From TheFirst , Trans­la­tion: Chase Coul­son)

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