Li Ao’s Witticisms
On men and women
Sometimes the reason a man doesn’t want to become a bigamist is not because he doesn’t want to marry two women, but because he doesn’t want to have to look two mothers-in-law in the face.
The top priority for a 200- pound person is not weight loss, but to stand in front of a 205-pound person.
Men who have been married many times are more enjoyable than men who have been married for many years, but men who have been married for many years are better off.
The moment the smart est woman gets involved in matters of the heart she becomes an idiot; the moment the smartest man becomes involved in matters of the heart he becomes a philosopher.
There are no ugly men, only bad men; there are no ugly women, only lazy women.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in the eye of the beauty there is only herself.
Veteran soldiers won’ t die in battle, but will die wolfing down food; hot women won’t die of starvation, but will die of indigestion.
There are five kinds of men out there for a woman: the ones in her heart, the ones in her eye, the ones in her hand, the ones in her embrace and the ones in her dreams. The men who assume there is only one kind of man for a woman are fools.
On social life
Enemies are actually trustworthy in some small way— they will never change, they will never forget you like friends usually do, and they will never ever leave you.
You always have to fight with your enemies; you only have to fight with friends from time to time.
Friends who hook up for dinner at a restaurant are just people taking a bathroom break in the middle of combat.
A good neighbor only greets you from behind the wall and never crawls over it.
What’s the difference between a life insurance purchaser and a gambler? An insurance purchaser will win when he dies, and a gambler can’t die until they win.
I finally realized what the generation gap meant when I found out my accountant was using a calculator while I couldn’t assure myself of the reliability until I recalculated it using a pen.
The happiest thing in life is doing whatever you think you can’t do. The second happiest thing in life is doing what others think you can’t do.
When I was young I took people by the hand and made them run with me; when I got old I took people by the hand and made them stop running. Is this progress or retrogress? I still don’t know.
Some people wear branded clothes and they look like off- brands you bought from some street vendor; some people wear off-brands from some street vendor and they look like name brands; and then there are some who look the same either way, like the American President Roosevelt, who didn’t care about the clothes he wore, and the Chinese writer, Mr. Li Ao, who looks the same in anything he wears.
I have no guard to keep up, I just have a hammer to keep people off me; and I have no backup, I just have a backbone.
(From TheFirst , Translation: Chase Coulson)