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Dumb an­swer

My sis­ter didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed­u­ca­tional test as she’d hoped. It might have had some­thing to do with how she com­pleted this sen­tence: “When the ______ is dead, the car won’t start.” She wrote: “Driver.”

Spot­ted on Face­book

Stu­dent: I don’t un­der­stand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my re­search pa­per? Teacher: Ac­tu­ally, you didn’t turn in a re­search pa­per. You turned in a ran­dom as­sem­blage of sen­tences. In fact, the sen­tences you ap­par­ently kid­napped in the dead of night and forced into this vi­o­lent and ar­bi­trary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Read­ing your pa­per was like watch­ing un­fa­mil­iar, un­com­fort­able peo­ple in­ter­act­ing at a cock­tail party that no one wanted to at­tend in the first place. You didn’t sub­mit a re­search pa­per. You submit­ted a hostage sit­u­a­tion.

Worst Claims Ever

If you were an auto in­surer, would you have paid these ac­tual claims? “In an at­tempt to kill a fly, I drove into a tele­phone pole.” “I didn’t think the speed limit ap­plied af­ter mid­night.” “The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.”

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